Single:
A Self-Portrait --
The Single Season
By Cara Baker
July 17, 2000
This
is the first in a series about the season of singleness. To follow are topics on
dating, purity, spiritual growth and finding a mate.
I
call Mom from a conference. She asks the inevitable, predictable first question:
"Did you meet any nice new boys?"
Ahhhh.
Every time without fail Mom will ask the
question, followed by my sigh of frustration. She might as well ask if Prince
Charming materialized out of a children's book in Barnes & Noble and asked
for my hand in marriage.
These days everyone seems
preoccupied with my single status, like it's an illness. Delicately, people ask
me, "So... are you dating anyone yet?" with the same demur tone as,
"So... did you get the biopsy results back?” Their faces of concern
change to pity as I confirm I still check the "single" box when
filling out government paperwork.
Singleness is a season
I'm
not sure how the word single, in
reference to anything other than hamburgers, developed
a negative connotation. Some think singleness is a sign of weakness or
incompleteness. It’s a one-track loop, “You go from your parents' house to
your own home with your spouse. Don't worry yourself with education, career or
the personal maturity that comes with living on your own. If you're single, you
should be looking, because getting married is logical. Start a family and repeat
the cycle.”
However,
God's purpose for being single drastically differs from this. Singleness is a
season of life, just as any other, and should be experienced completely, not
rushed through like algebra homework an hour before class. "If you are
single today, the portion assigned to you for today
is singleness," writes Elisabeth Elliot in Quest for Love. "It is God's gift. Singleness ought not to be
viewed as a problem, nor marriage as a right. God in His wisdom and love grants
either as a gift."
First
off, we must consider God's will for any of us may not include marriage. As
Elliot writes, singleness is a gift, just like marriage. "No Christian
ought to put himself outside the possibility that this is his assignment. The
claims must be considered," Elliot writes in Passion
and Purity.
Paul
writes, "It is good for a man not to marry." (1 Corinthians 7:1) "Now
to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as
I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better
to marry than to burn with passion." (1 Corinthians 7:8-9)
While most of us aren't burning
out of control with passion, most of us desire companionship, even if we're not
in a hurry to get married. If we're not careful, we can become consumed with
feelings of loneliness and become preoccupied with pursuing romantic
relationships.
I
remember my first crush. I was 6. Steve was 33. Sure, he was a little older than
me, but I was pretty mature for a first grader. I had even experienced chicken
pox already. He was everything I was looking for in a man: tall (true, to a
6-year-old everyone's tall), dark hair (which complimented my bouncy, youthful
blond ringlets) and drove his own car (this would prevent my father driving for
our dates).
After
much begging, one Sunday night Mom let me sit with him in church. I was hooked.
I didn't even take a nap during the sermon that night. My thoughts became filled
with him day and night. I'm not sure when I finally got over him, but I'm sure
it happened soon after he opted to date someone born nearer the decade of his
birth. Apparently, I was out of my league.
We
have to be careful not to be consumed with something God has reserved for the
future. "God doesn't use our singleness to punish us," Christian
speaker Joshua Harries writes in I Kissed
Dating Goodbye. "He has created this season as an unparalleled
opportunity for growth and service that we shouldn't take for granted or allow
to slip by." Being young and single, we have the energy and lack of
responsibilities to wholly pursue and develop our relationship with God. It was
designed that way by Him.
I'm
not advocating swearing off dating and the opposite sex altogether by abandoning
Friday nights to prayer and fasting in sackcloth and ashes, but we should have
our priorities in order. Seek God first. Singles who desire marriage in the
future need to prepare spiritually, mentally, emotionally and physically now.
Instead of looking for Mr. or Ms.
Right, we need to become Mr. or Ms.
Right. We won't have anything to offer a relationship if we're lacking
ourselves.
While it's fine to desire
companionship, be content with what God has allotted at this time. "Whether
you're single or married; whether you're liked, loved, or lonely; the key to
contentment is trust," Harris writes. "Believe it or not, if we are
discontented with singleness, we'll more than likely face discontentment when
we're married."
Wow.
There's a thought! I've heard countless girls say if they were just married,
they would be completely happy. I doubt it.
Wait on God
Whether
you think you've met your mate or are still looking, wait for God's direction.
"It is our duty and our privilege to wait upon the Lord in service, in
worship, in expectancy, in trust all the days of our life," 19th century
English preacher Charles Spurgeon said. "Our faith will be a tried faith,
and if it be of the true kind, it will bear continued trial without yielding. We
shall not grow weary of waiting upon God if we remember how long and how
graciously He once waited for us."
I'm
not very good at waiting. I always stop the microwave with one or two seconds
left. (Like I'm really beating the system and saving time!) The food's not
noticeably colder and I don't have to sit through the announcement beep from my
rectangular radiation machine. Yet at the same time, I have to sit there and
watch for the timer to run down while I could be putting ice in my glass,
grabbing some silverware and a napkin. I guess I should be putting my time to
better use.
After
every dating disappointment or heartache, I see that I've wasted time and
emotional energy on an unproductive relationship when I should have been waiting
for direction from God. At those moments, I feel like an infatuated 6-year-old
who finally realizes what I desire isn't meant to be. What I want isn't always
what I need.
The
hardest part of my season of singleness is letting go of control, and with it,
my desires. Raised to be pretty independent, I have been taught if you want
something, you make it happen. Passivity gets you nowhere; be aggressive and
take control. Unfortunately, what makes for a good academic or career philosophy
makes for terrible spiritual advice. I have to learn to step back and let God
have control, to not only pray for God's will, but desire it as well. His will
meets our needs and not the instant gratification of our fleeting desires.
Give it to God
The
method of staying content with feelings of loneliness and anxiety about our
future is to offer them up to God in prayer. He gives us those feelings. They're
acceptable as an offering. "If the yearnings went away, what would we have
to offer up to the Lord?" Elliot writes. "Aren't they given to us to
offer? It is the control of passion, not its eradication, that is needed. How
would we learn to submit to the authority of Christ if we had nothing to
submit?"
Submission,
sacrifice and trust in God is key. If it's His will for us to be single for a
season, then enjoy it. Why should we entertain feelings of loneliness that lead
to depression? Cynthia Heald writes in the devotional, Abiding
in Christ: "To sacrifice means to surrender, relinquish, or yield. When
we make a sacrifice, we are offering up a gift. It encourages me to know that my
praise is often a sacrifice -- a gift to God and a release for me."
I
know a woman approaching her late 20s who is full of anxiety. She feels stuck,
with no prospects of marriage or career. It's not God's will for her to suffer
with her feelings of loneliness. Even her health suffers from the anxiety and
stress. She feels marriage would complete her. "Refuse self-pity,"
Elliot encourages. "Refuse it absolutely. It is a deadly thing with power
to destroy you ... Accept your loneliness. It is one stage, and only one stage,
on a journey that brings you to God. It will not always last."
I
wish she could see herself as others do¾a
beautiful young woman full of potential and incredible talent. In fact, that's
how God sees her. It's up to her how she uses this season because God can only
work in her life as much as she will allow. She's got to develop the confidence
in herself and in God. When she's adequately prepared for the next phase, God
will move her. For now, it's her job to move God.
But only for a season.
Next:
The
Dating Game
ninetyandnine.com
ã
2000, Cara Baker
--------
Cara
Baker
graduated Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, Tenn., this May. A
native of Nashville, she is currently working on freelance projects and taking
every opportunity to travel this summer before settling down to a real job.
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