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This
is the third in a series about the season of singleness. To follow are topics on
spiritual growth and finding a mate.
Single: A Self-Portrait -- Purity's Arrow
By Cara Baker
July 31, 2000
"I
married the first man I ever kissed," Barbara Bush says. "When I tell
this to my children they just about throw up." Maybe the Bush children find this fact to be almost
unbelievable in a society whose sexual standards have been severely loosened.
It's
hard to imagine that up until a couple of decades ago, French kissing was
considered an invitation to sexual intercourse and certainly not practiced by
innocent, Holy-Ghost filled Christian couples.
Boy
have times changed!
Currently,
at least three-quarters of American males and over half of American females have
experienced premarital [sex], reports The Encyclopedia Brittanica's website, www.brittanica.com. Condoms
are distributed and safe sex is taught in public schools as a way to curb the
epidemic proportions of Sexually Transmitted Disease (STDs).
Yet
it’s often different in Apostolic circles.
The closest thing to sex education I received from my parents was when a
"bad scene" flashed during a movie and I was told to avert my eyes
while they fast-forwarded past it. Mom would then say, "Now, you know Cara,
we don't do that sort of thing," which I later understood as "Cara,
sex before marriage is wrong."
Communication
in the church concerning things sexual has been equally awkward, if not outright
lacking. All of our single lives we're taught sex before marriage is wrong. What
we're not told is purity is a direction, not a line that's crossed at the point
of sex. "True purity ... is a direction, a persistent, determined pursuit
of righteousness. This direction starts in the heart, and we express it in a
lifestyle that flees opportunities for compromise," Joshua Harris writes in
I Kissed Dating Goodbye.
While
most of us have every intention of remaining pure during our season of
singleness, some don't consider extensive physically involvement in a
relationship as being impure. "Physical interaction encourages us to start
something we're not supposed to finish, awakening desires we're not allowed to
consummate, turning on passions we have to turn off," Harris says.
In
other words, most of us don't consciously avoid dating situations that put us in
danger. Our fleshly nature can easily take advantage of our "good
intentions": "For I have the
desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the
good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do--this I keep on doing."
(Romans 7:18-20)
"It
is no good praying, 'Lead us not into temptation' and then deliberately walking
straight into it," Elisabeth Elliot writes in Quest
for Love. "Young people tell me of parking the car or going to his or
her dorm room or apartment, with no intention of 'doing anything,' and then,
somehow or other, 'things happened.' Surprised?"
My
grandmother always warned me before going out, "Just because they have the
Holy Ghost don't mean you can trust 'em!" Grandma knew what she was talking
about. Being filled with the Holy Ghost doesn't put you above being tempted or
falling into sin.
"The
guilt is almost unbearable," a girl sobs. "I never meant to go that
far. It just happened. We didn't have sex, so I can't figure out why
everything's changed between us. I couldn't even worship in church."
A friend confides in me, afraid I think less of her
for the confession. Although she may have not been taught that messing around is
dangerous, her conscious knows her purity has been violated. I'm just glad she
feels guilt in a society that says if it feels good, do it.
Guilt from violating the direction
of purity has been labeled as passe. Rhona Raskin, a family therapist in
Vancouver, B.C. who hosts Canada's top call-in radio show, "Rhona At
Night," often articulates society's standpoint on guilt concerning sexual
promiscuity; to her, it is nothing more than an "ancestral burden."
"Guilt is responsible for more bad decisions than booze," she states
in a column. "In the haze of cumbersome, ancestral burdens, we are
powerless to dig ourselves out of the mess. The best approach is to shrug it off
and chant the following: 'I did nothing wrong. I don’t have to feel guilty.'
Just be sure it’s true. Beating yourself up to satisfy Auntie Bippy’s moral
arrangement is fruitless ...Whether you have kissed the wrong person, been
pregnant without planning, or tried out some new erotic toy, the truth is you
have to live with the consequences. Give yourself a break. Eat a guilt sandwich
and move on to the dessert. Learn, apologize, make amends where appropriate, and
shrug off the unrelenting and unwarranted demands. After all, if you look
closely, you’ll see that porcupines seem rather content."
That
seems pretty lighthearted compared to the strong language the Bible uses
concerning sexual promiscuity. "Put
to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality,
impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the
wrath of God is coming." (Colossians 3:5-6)
"It
is God's will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual
immorality; that each of you should learn to control his own body in a way that
is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the heathen, who do not know
God .... For God did not call us to be impure, but to live a holy life.
Therefore, he who rejects this instruction does not reject man but God, who
gives you his Holy Spirit." (1 Thessalonians 4:3-8)
If
we're committed to purity, then we will resist. "Those
who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the sinful nature with its passions
and desires." (Galatians 5:24) If we're not committed, we're
susceptible to mess-ups. "...Impurity isn't something we step into
suddenly. It happens when we lose our focus on God," Harris writes.
"Throughout your
God-honoring relationship, set clear guidelines for physical affection,"
Harris declares. "Until you're married, please don't treat each other as if
your bodies belong to each other. The kissing, touching, and caressing that take
place in today's dating relationships often lead to confusion and
compromise."
Years ago, an evangelist came
to speak to my church’s youth group about purity. It was the only time I
remember the subject being addressed in detail and at length in our church. I
mean, the man even had overhead charts and notes for us!
Regarding physical affection,
he had a chart that began with holding hands, then progressed from the goodnight
kiss to deep kissing to heavy petting and ended with sexual intercourse. He said
physical affection in a dating relationship should stop at a goodnight kiss, as
he drew a giant line with a marker after those words on the overhead.
An honest Christian will always
question their own motives. Pride shouldn’t prevent a talk with the pastor or
youth pastor about acceptable standards in dating.
So
what is acceptable in a dating relationship? "Are we to rule out all
kisses, including the friendly peck-on-the-cheek greeting , and all hugs?"
Elisabeth Elliot writes in Quest for Love.
"I don't think so, but discretion is needed. Better to be too strict than
too free."
We shouldn't be ashamed of wanting physical intimacy;
it's natural. But until we're in the commitment of marriage, we have to maintain
a certain distance. "An intimate relationship is a beautiful experience
that God wants us to enjoy. But he has made the fulfillment of intimacy a
byproduct of commitment-based love," Harris says.
"A good and perfect gift,
these natural desires," Elisabeth Elliot writes in Passion
and Purity. "But so much the more necessary that they be restrained,
controlled, corrected, even crucified, that they might be reborn in power and
purity for God."
The
problem is circular. We have trouble controlling the flesh because we're not
intimate enough with God. We're not intimate with God because we're not walking
in the direction of purity.
"There is something in us that makes us afraid
of the commitment that comes with real intimacy with God," speaker Tommy
Tenney writes in God Chasers.
"For one thing, intimacy with God requires purity... God is tired of us wanting to get our thrills from Him
without putting on the ring of commitment ... I'm afraid that many people in the
Church have simply approached God to get what they can from Him without
committing anything in return."
To achieve both purity and intimacy with God, Tenney
recommends repentance and brokenness. "Intimacy
with God requires a certain level of brokenness because purity comes from
brokenness," Tenney says.
In
that brokenness, we'll pursue God not for what we can get from Him, but out of
true love and wanting to know Him more. "But
now that you have been set free from sin and have become slaves to God, the
benefit you reap leads to holiness, and the result is eternal life."
(Romans 6:22-23)
Walking
in holiness and experiencing intimacy with God brings eternal satisfaction and
rewards. That sounds a lot more appealing than a Friday nights spent in the
backseat of a car.
Sidebar: A
Wise Virgin in a Foolish Industry
Next: The
Best in Life
ninetyandnine.com
ã
2000, Cara Baker
---------
Cara
Baker
graduated Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, Tenn., this May. A
native of Nashville, she is currently working on freelance projects and taking
every opportunity to travel this summer before settling down to a real job.
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