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This
is the fifth in a series about the season of singleness. To follow are the
results from our “The Great Apostolic Romance Survey
of 2000.”
Single: A Self-Portrait -- Just Married
By Cara Baker
August 14, 2000
I got married today.
Okay, so it wasn't legally binding or anything. And I
didn't actually have a real groom. But, I did walk down a virtual wedding aisle
and get hitched in cyberspace using a fake groom's name.
Mr.
Handsome Millionaire IV and I were pronounced husband and wife as animated
confetti littered the computer screen and the printer kicked out a faux marriage
certificate. How quaint! As if getting married in a drive-thru chapel in Vegas
wasn't convenient enough, we can now pretend to get married in our robes while
checking our email and sipping coffee.
It's no secret that society values marriage as highly
as Elizabeth Taylor does a new diamond necklace or a new husband. I often wonder
when I see "Just Married" written on newlyweds' cars if it means,
"Hey, we just got married...like a couple of hours ago," or if the
more appropriate connotation is becoming, "Hey, we just got married, that's
all. No big deal."
With the odds stacked against marriage through high
divorce rates, a morally crumbling society, and often unrealistic expectations
of marriage, choosing someone to spend the rest of your life can be
intimidating. But it doesn't have to be. If we're properly using our time in the
season of singleness, we'll be prepared for the calling of marriage if and when
it comes.
"Look for, and work on becoming, a man or woman
who, as a single, seeks God wholeheartedly, putting Him before anything
else," Joshua Harris writes in
I Kissed Dating Goodbye. "Don't
worry about impressing the opposite sex. Instead, strive to please and glorify
God. Along the way you'll catch the attention of people with the same
priorities."
I never understood girls in college who complained
about how guys used them all the time and they never seemed to find "a good
one." The problem was they went to bars and nightclubs looking for these
guys. What did they expect to get? You don't go to the junkyard and look for
hidden treasure.
Role-playing
Although we're living at a time when men and women's
roles have been confused through feminist movements and the breakdown of the
home structure, God's example for marriage assigns a specific role to each
partner. In marriage, the husband should be the head, the spiritual leader.
Because of this relationship, the woman should refrain from making all the moves
while dating.
However old
fashioned it may seem, my job isn't to pursue a guy I'm interested in. My
unwanted feminism influences strain to hold my fingers back when I write about
women and submission. The less I pursue relationships, the less I'm going to
mess them up. If something goes wrong, we can blame the man! (That should pacify
any feminist uprisings.)
"As
a single woman I had no question that it was man's responsibility to do the
wooing," writes Elisabeth Elliot Quest
for Love. "This meant holding back my natural aggressiveness and
trusting God to work in the heart of a man--if
marriage was in His plan for me. A man, on the other hand, has a different
position. He too must learn to hold back his 'hunter' instinct, praying,
watching, and trusting God to show him what to do and when. When he is shown, he
is to act, accepting the demands of his headship and the sacrifice that goes
with it."
I've been in
a situation where a guy, not holding back that hunter instinct, has confessed
his feelings for me at a premature moment and without direction from God. By
showing caution and waiting for clearance from God, this man would fare much
better in the future when trying to develop a relationship.
When done orderly and after God's model, courtship
can successfully lead to an anointed marriage. "When God knows you're ready
for the responsibility of commitment, He'll reveal the right person under the
right circumstances," Harris says.
Character
Until I know for sure who
I'm to marry (if that's the case), I have to learn to be a good discerner of
character. I had some practice with this last week when I was summoned to jury
duty. As jurors, we were told to rule in favor of the side with the most
evidence. The case I sat on didn't have a lot of physical evidence, so our
decision came down to the credibility of the witnesses. We had to examine the
plaintiff's testimony and discern his character compared to those testifying
against him. Sadly, we found his home life in shambles and his relationship with
his wife and daughter very unhealthy due to his alcoholism.
Nothing exposes a person's character faster than a
look at how he or she treats family. "As we evaluate someone's character
(including our own), we need to carefully observe three areas--how the
individual person relates to God, the way he or she treats others, and the way
this person disciplines his or her personal life," Harris says.
A guy once pursued me like
Indiana Jones after the Holy Grail. But I became wary when I saw how often he
argued and showed disrespect to his family. My friends didn't understand how I
could pass up a guy who treated me so well. But I knew if he disrespected the
ones closest to him, then it was only a matter of time before I was treated the
same.
Spirituality
Spiritual compatibility should top the list when
looking for a life partner and should never be compromised. "A person's
relationship to God is the defining relationship in his or her life--when this
relationship is out of order, every other relationship will suffer," Harris
states.
Often Christian homes break up or suffer because of
spiritual problems. Although financial difficulty tops the list of causes for
divorce, if the home is spiritually sound, dealing with those types of problems
would go smoother. "The underlying reason for most of the disharmony we
observe in Christian marriages today is spiritual disorder in one or more of the
persons involved," writes Richard L. Strauss in Marriage Is for Love.
Author Max Lucado calls spiritual discord like it is¾sin. "Our problem is sin. Not finances.
Not budgets...Our problem is sin. We are in rebellion against our Creator. We
are separated from our Father. We are cut off from the source of life,"
Lucado writes in When God Whispers Your
Name. "
The good news is just as spiritual discord can ruin a
marriage, spiritual unity can strengthen marriage with "unbreakable
bonds." "Recently, scientific research has backed up what common sense
has been telling us for years; mainly, that tending to the spiritual dimension
of marriage is what unites couples in unbreakable bonds," Christian
counselors Les and Leslie Parrott write in Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts. "When two people have a
spiritual hunger or spiritual awareness in common, they become soul mates. In
other words, spirituality is the soul of marriage--without spiritual roots,
couples are left with an emptiness and superficiality that prevent genuine
intimacy."
Attraction
But wait, we're just single and looking! We don't
need to examine the "soul of a marriage" just yet. The problem is that
most of us are doing more looking than we are discerning. If we have an
understanding of marriage and true love beforehand, we'll learn to look for
potential marriage-strengthening qualities in the opposite sex.
As a young teen, I had more crushes on guys than even
I could keep up with. I often would become infatuated with a guy I barely knew
because of his looks and personality. But I soon learned that compatibility went
far beyond that limp criteria.
During my first college
internship, I met this gorgeous guy through co-workers. Although I didn't
hesitate to start dating him, I quickly found out that I really couldn't stand
him. The only reason I was dating him was because he was hot. He was severely
stuck on himself and turned out to be quite boring. Needless to say, it didn't
last long. Being such a babe magnet, he was on to his next victim within the
month. I wasn't surprised, but neither was I heartbroken.
I learned attraction is based on more than looks.
"When physical chemistry is not backed up by chemistry in the mind, heart,
and soul, then it cannot last or grow in time," writes John Gray in Mars
and Venus on a Date.
"Simply because you are profoundly attracted to
a person and have passionate feelings of love does not mean for a moment that
you should marry that person," Jeffrey Larson writes in his new book, Should
We Stay Together?. "Falling in love is easy. Marriage based mostly on
emotion or hormones rather than reason is dangerous. Premarital relationships
based mostly on these factors often result in premature marriages before people
really know each other well."
This happened in the case of two sisters who married
unbelievers. They married quickly, each had a son and, not soon afterwards, both
of the husbands deserted them. They're now disillusioned with the church and hop
from one relationship to other while they try to make ends meet.
"Newlyweds who equate true love only with
passion are doomed to disappointment," the Parrotts write. "The love
you now have for your partner will undergo numerous changes and evolve into many
different forms over a lifetime together. Accepting this fact can help you keep
your love alive, saving your marriage before it starts. But more importantly,
accepting love's changeable nature allows you to relax and enjoy its many
manifestations."
And that beats quickie weddings on the internet every
time!
ninetyandnine.com
ă
2000, Cara Baker
--------
Cara
Baker
graduated Cum Laude from Belmont University in Nashville, Tenn., this May. To
the chagrin of her family and friends in Tennessee, she is becoming a temporary
transplant in Cleveland, Ohio, as the Arts & Living editorial intern for www.Clevelandlive.com.
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