She Said

My husband and I met online at what can only be described as perfect timing. I was a semester and a half from completing my Bachelor of Arts degrees in Psychology and History at the University of Arkansas, Little Rock. I was applying for grad schools all over the country because I was motivated to get out of Arkansas. My husband was wrapping up his Masters of Arts in Marriage, Family and Child Counseling at Western Seminary in Los Gatos, CA. He was applying all over the country for a wife. We were at a point in life where the concept of marriage and serious commitment were not out of the question.

He Said

Okay, so I need to respond to the “applying all over for a wife.” I admit I was ready to get married, I was extremely tired of single life and had determined I did not want it as a career. Being isolated as I was, living in the Santa Cruz Mountains alone, I began chatting with a few people online shortly before the UPCI’s Youth Congress in Nashville, 1997. I tentatively scheduled a meeting with one girl that I had met. I went to the section where the meeting was to take place, where I then lived through the most awkward two minutes I have ever spent. I could not remember for the life of me why I was meeting her. Needless to say, I’m persistent and managed to salvage some hope from the wreckage.

She Said

I remember happily chatting in the AOL chat-room when someone sent me an IM (Instant Message) asking if I knew a friend of his in Little Rock. I did and from there we started talking. Of course, I checked the profile immediately and noticed that we had similar interests in psychology and counseling with families. The rest of the conversation flowed like we were old friends. I think we must have chatted for an hour or so and I actually told him of problems with my boyfriend at the time. I  was on my way to the General Conference of the UPCI and promised to email him when I returned. I did.

I don’t think that it ever occurred to me that he might lie to me. I had talked to our mutual acquaintances and they all had nothing but great things to say about him. We talked via IMs and email for quite awhile before I gave him my home phone number. When he did call, I immediately fell in love with his voice and his laugh. I thought he could be a radio announcer and he had such a contagious laugh that I could barely stop giggling to talk to him.

It wasn’t until three months after we met online that I gave him permission to visit me in Arkansas. It was one intense moment (some of you may have already experienced this) waiting for him to walk off the plane. One thing that made it a little easier was that we had discussed over the phone how we would greet one another. A handshake was too formal, a two armed hug was too personal, so we settled for the one armed shoulder hug¾which worked marvelously! It took awhile for us to really be comfortable with each other. My husband was very talkative that night. (It wasn’t until about five hours after he arrived that I got a word in edgewise.J)

After all of that, we were comfortable with each other and talked like old friends. We made no pretenses as to who and what we were and when we actually met in person, there were no surprises. This enabled us to feel free enough with each other later on in our courtship to be brutally honest without thinking that we would be rejected because of our faults.

After that first visit, which lasted three days, we didn’t see each other for 11 long, miserable weeks. Originally, to help us continue concentrating on our studies, we made an agreement to talk to each other three days a week for an hour. In reality we talked continuously over the phone and Internet. During this time we performed serious background checks on each other through mutual friends. (We realized that it was a small world because we had many of the same friends.)

Finally, I flew to California to see him, and within a week we went shopping for engagement rings! I don’t know how to describe it, other than the time was just right for both of us. I guess that since I had been living on my own for two years, my parents trusted me to make good decisions. They never opposed me talking to or dating someone online, but if they had voiced an objection, I would have listened.

It was the best way for me to meet someone and be completely honest in the sort of anonymity that being online provides. Also, we got to know each other through a method that conventional dating (and the distance) wouldn’t allow us to do. After our second meeting in California, we met in Los Angeles for a friend’s graduation, in Hawaii for my family’s vacation, and attended each other’s graduations. This allowed us to make sure of our decision and spend time with the future in-laws.

From there it was wedding planning, marriage, moving and settling in a new area for both of us.

He Said

Three years ago my wife and I met online in an AOL chat-room. My wife gave you all of the tantalizing details of our online romance. I will attempt to share what I feel enabled our relationship to work.

Dating online is similar to walking into a new foreign restaurant and ordering from the pictures on the menu. In my experience, the desired dish usually comes out with maybe one recognizable feature; otherwise, I would assume I had been served the wrong meal. I hate that, because I like truth in advertising.  In fact, finding the love of my life meant only one phrase¾truth in advertising.

At work several weeks ago we were producing a brochure which was to include pictures of all the employees and highlight their specialties. One female therapist asked to have Cindy Crawford’s picture published instead of hers. No doubt she would have generated much interest from the picture, but how many return visits would she have had? For the same reason, I am afraid that many online relationships fail because people attempt to enhance their online image with morsels of information that are just not accurate. In cyberspace, a person can create a profile to attract whomsoever they desire, but although there may be many initial contacts, rarely will people continue to be interested if they had trusted in a lie. I attribute the success of our continuing relationship to a foundation of honesty and integrity.

Before our first words were ever typed, there was a certain quality that we each had that was going to enable the zing to zang.  Had she or I made ourselves to be someone else, then disaster would have surely followed.  We were truth tellers, so there were no major surprises for either of us.  I didn’t walk off the plane to be accosted by reality, I already knew reality and liked it. (And I still do.J)

When I got off the plane for our first meeting, my wife recognized me because I had told her  the truth about who I was. In truth, I was the perfect mate candidate¾I look older than my age by about a decade, am overweight and balding. *Ahem* Well, I may have never turned heads at a youth conference, but I feel I have a lot of offer in character and personality. Thus, meeting online was advantageous to me.

What most attracted me to my wife wasn’t the way her long blond hair fell over her screen name. In fact, a picture wasn’t even involved, rather it was that we shared the same interest in psychology and both had a desire to work with families and children.  Had she or I made ourselves to be someone else, then disaster would have surely followed.

Honestly, there is only one difference in an online relationship and any other relationship, and that is how you meet. After the meeting, the relationship progresses like any other long distance friendship.

Allow me to humbly offer Sam’s Quick Tips for Online Dating:

1.      Be real by advertising the truth. This doesn’t mean you flaunt your faults, but don’t go out to intentionally mislead people because it will backfire.

2.      Get to know the person well¾really well. For us, that meant reading and discussing numerous books on relationships together and spending quality time with each other in a variety of settings.

3.      Don’t go shopping unless you are ready to buy. If you aren’t ready for commitment, don’t date¾just be friends.

She Said

Being online is just another way of meeting people.  If you are true to yourself and to whomever you meet online, you can make some lasting and valuable friendships. And who knows¾maybe you will even meet the person of your dreams.

ninetyandnine.com

© Sam and Kerri Moehlenpah, 2000

--------

Sam and Kerri Moehlenpah are overworked and underpaid, but happily married, living in the most beautiful city in America. Sam is currently working in a private practice and is in the final stages of the Marriage and Family Therapist Licensing process. Kerri is currently one year away from completing her Masters of Arts in Marriage and Family Therapy at Bethel Seminary, San Diego, California.