Damaged Kids in a Dangerous Age
The Tim Sanders Interview
December 18, 2000
“I do not believe that these kids face anything
harder than any other generation has faced. The difference then is not the types
of problems, but how fast the problems come.”
I’ve known Tim
Sanders for the better part of 15 years, first as an opponent in Bible Quizzing,
then as a friend at church conferences and most recently at the National
Youth Workers Conference. In each case he has been thoughtful,
introspective and accessible, willing to listen and share his comments on a
variety of topics.
He
is presently working as the Associate Pastor at Life Tabernacle in Kansas City,
MO. After growing up in the home of
a youth pastor, he was a youth pastor from 1988-1992 in Dover, DE, before moving
to Kansas City to youth pastor from 1992-1999.
Married for eight years to Tricia, he has also been a sectional leader in
the Missouri district and a seminar instructor for both youth and youth workers.
The
next time you see him, ask about his cool beach ball crowd breaker.
—Kent
d Curry
90&9: You
gave a national seminar to youth leaders in Dallas on "Dealing with Damaged
Kids." What got you interested in that subject?
Tim Sanders: I think the concept of
"damaged kids" hit home with me when I was still a teenager.
The Lord has blessed me with a personality that is very level, but I was
able to see all kinds of kids that their emotions ran the gamut.
I was also blessed to have a loving family structure in place.
My parents were youth pastors for many years, and I watched them deal
with hundreds of young men and women that struggled just to make it through
another day.
I
was the type of person that could dwell on both sides of the peer structures.
I fit in well with the "in" crowds because I was never a
threat, but I also fit in with those that were considered "less than
desirable." It was this fact
that my heart and my eyes were opened to¾those that were left out, both by adults and
other young people, just because they may have been different.
I felt the hunger for acceptance, and that is what most of those damaged
individuals are looking for. I am a
5th generation Apostolic, and I have found that it is not just those outside the
walls of our churches and institutions that have been damaged.
It is also the very kids that sit in our Sunday Schools classes and youth
groups that have been handed this pressure of fitting into some predetermined
role in life. Sometimes parents and
teachers have ignorantly been accomplices to the feelings that these kids have
and they fail to see the damage inside these kids.
I have seen that damage.
90&9: What do you mean by seeing that damage?
TS: I have seen
preacher's kids act out in meetings and have seen several walk away from God.
I often questioned why someone that close to the preacher would ever walk
away from this thing called Pentecost and then I realized it was because
somewhere along the line when they were troubled, no one noticed.
I have watched over the course of my life that most people do not think
that our kids struggled unless it was a visual demonstration of trouble.
When you wait until everyone can see that there is trouble, generally it
is too late. That is where you see
those that have walked away. I do
not like using the word backslide (even though you can find it
in
the Bible), because I picture some hill that one cannot help but to fall. To me,
backsliding is a conscious decision made by a certain individual to try the
other side of things. If we are
able to identify the small, non-visual troubles then we can effectively minister
to those in need. I remember one
young man would break down crying in choir practice. The first time it happened,
we passed it off as worship. The
second time it happened, I knew something was wrong.
I pulled him aside and gently inquired into the problem.
He went on to say that he was at his dad's (he was from a split family)
and his dad had physically and emotionally abused him.
As a teenager, he would make this young man to wear diapers and verbally
blast him into nothingness. Well,
by noticing these small signs, I was able to open up means of communication and
this same young man was not lost from the Lord, but is a young preacher today.
The
other thing that always bothered me is when adults did not think that young
people had the ability to do something for God. There have been many instances that I have witnessed adults
write someone off when all they needed to do was to invest some time into those
young people. There was a young boy
that no one thought would make it. All
the adults in his life pressured him into things at the church to try and force
him into a mold that he did not belong in.
When he failed I actually heard some adults tell this young man that he
would most likely just do menial work for a living. Because a few of our youth
workers did not buy that, today he is an effective businessman and Christian.
Sometimes adults fail to realize that simple words hurt.
The old saying, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names
will never hurt me" is a false statement.
We need to realize that the things we say, even if we are joking tend to
hurt teenagers quite quickly.
90&9: What did your research of professionals show in this area?
TS: The
number one thing that I took from all my research (which is ongoing) is that no
one is “untouchable.” What I
mean by that statement is the fact that anybody can be affected by some kind of
abuse, but also that there is no one who is in a hopeless situation that the
right guidance can’t help. Let me
clarify that when I say abuse I mean anything that causes emotional or spiritual
or physical hurt. In most abuse
cases, the abuser knows he/she is abusing another individual, but I believe that
any detriment to a person is abusing the thing that God designed from the
beginning. Having said that, I feel
that many of the adults’ expectations of some of our young people as to their
future careers and things that take away to a certain extent their adolescence
have caused many teens to needlessly suffer.
The
troubling thing about these “professionals” is the fact that they tried to
substitute the emptiness inside a teen with just that, substitutes.
Nothing was permanent, and the level of accountability structures only
existed in parallel to the desire of that particular teen to be accountable.
In my thinking, this is when “tough love” comes in.
I do not mean a tough disciplinarian love, but a love that is so tough
that it will not take no for an answer. The
moment, and it can be only a moment, when a young person sees or feels a lack of
care, he/she will bolt for other pastures.
Regardless of their outward expressions, on the inside, young people are
measuring us like an artist analyzing a painting. One slip and our work becomes exponentially difficult.
90&9: What did your
personal experience show in this area?
TS: I
found that what young people that are damaged really needed was a shoulder and
an embrace to hold them up. They also looked for a structure that allowed them
the accountability to accent their talents.
Every teen is looking to be a success.
There is no teen that truly desires to be a failure, so if we can be
successful in encouraging them despite their circumstances, they will eventually
take the steering wheel of life and begin to direct their life.
I have found that it is extremely frustrating and heartbreaking to take
on a damaged teen. The answer is that if you can be patient enough to see it
through, the rewards are incredible and everlasting. I would suggest to
seriously thinking about your desires in helping teens of this stature because
there are no immediate rewards for the most part.
Someone has to be able to be available at all times, even the middle of
the night. What I have seen, however, after eleven years, is that it is all
worth it.
90&9: Explain. How has it been worth
it?
TS: After
working for 11 years with several hundreds of teens, I have been able to begin
to see some of the effects we had. Several of these kids have entered Bible
school and gone into the ministry. One is a recording artist for the Lord.
Several have taught Sunday School. And, most enjoyable, is that several have
realized that they can do something right
now for God.
After
having been out of everyday youth work for over a year, I have been able to
watch some of them begin to lead cells in our church's small group ministry.
Every Wednesday they are essentially "pastoring" their small group of
other young people. I have seen them embrace and begin to grow with a brand new
youth pastor. To me these are some of the most exciting times to
encounter. When we "retired" from youth work our young people had an
appreciation service for my wife and I, and to hear the thanks of these troubled
teens was incredibly humbling. By taking time to serve these young people, I won
souls and "he that winneth souls is wise."
90&9: Has this area been overlooked in Youth ministries?
TS: I
don't think this subject has been overlooked, but it has not been dealt with in
an intense manner.
90&9: Why is that?
TS:
I think this is because it is hard to put into words what needs to be
done. I do believe we can do a better job at making the situation known.
I think we have a mindset that does not allow the deep probing into
several areas of life. We plan
45-minute sessions every couple of years that can only show the very shallow
aspects of this subject.
I believe it has, in some way, to be the perspective of
the local pastor that this is important. I
believe that pastors today need to take a close look at all aspects of their
congregations in order to make prevalent the nature of abuse.
I suggest to pastors and youth pastors that they set up training sessions
for a group of adults that desire to work in this area and move forward in
reaching their own kids. In my own opinion, at least 90% of teens suffer being
"damaged" at one point or another in their youth.
These are not numbers that I gathered in my experience outside the walls
of the church, but it was children of pastors, Sunday School teachers, deacons
and board members.
I
think what we fail to do, and this is in most areas, is treat the symptoms and
not the causes. By this, I mean
that a teen that shows disrespect may be showing something deeper inside. We
spend a lot of time disciplining that teen for their disrespect instead of
looking into the reason for that disrespect. I am not advocating a lack of
discipline. If you asked any of the
young people that I've worked with, they will tell you that I expected
appropriate behavior, but at the same time, I was quick to understand that there
was probably something deeper that was causing this act.
We
spend hours and hours trying to teach our kids about peer pressure and
appropriate behavior with the other gender, but when there is a breakdown in
those areas, we fail to realize that those are symptoms of a greater problem.
It would be like someone that constantly treated the headache instead of
the brain tumor. If the doctor
could get to the real problem at the beginning, most times something can be done
to fix the problem before it becomes fatal.
The same goes for these troubled teens.
If we can diagnose the real problem instead of the symptoms, we may save
a life.
90&9:
But doesn't the national media constantly cover the "emotional
status of teens"? How is this different?
TS: The
national media never covers a spiritual aspect of things. God made us in His
image, and I am aware that to a certain degree that is our physical nature, but
I also believe it means that He made us to be spiritual beings.
The national media will cover the 12 step programs, and the “feel
good” aspects of these situations, but they can never fill the spiritual gap.
I believe for the most part that if we cannot get these kids to a place
where they can encounter Christ, everything else is a temporary fix. It is not until they can come into contact with Him from
another realm that they will truly be changed.
That is why the drug addict and the alcoholic fight to stay on the path
of sobriety; they have not encountered Christ.
90&9: How is Generation
Y different than us, their leaders?
TS: This
generation is the generation of technology.
I heard a commercial on the radio just today of a child having to sit
down and have a serious talk with his parents on how to run a certain device.
Due to this, I believe that these kids are much more prone to ignore their own
creativity and become big event oriented. It
used to be that a pizza party was a fantastic outing, but now it is just another
day in the park. The huge events are what draw this crowd because they are so
intent that instant gratification. That
is the other difference. When a
teen spends most of his time with the lightning quick Internet and television
and radio, he tends to expect the rest of life to move that quickly.
I am much slower moving, if you will, than our kids today.
I believe this is the same problem that faced the generation ahead of me.
90&9: Isn't it a bit of a canard to say, "These kids are
facing tougher problems and temptations than anyone has ever faced." After
all, youth leaders have been saying that for decades, yet the truth seems to be
kids are always facing problems different than the previous generation.
TS:
This is a question that I'm asked all the time.
I do not believe that these kids face anything harder than any other
generation has faced. Solomon was
correct when he said that there was no new thing under the sun.
The difference then is not the types of problems but how fast the
problems come.
No
one could argue with the fact that everything has sped up. Our technologies have
caused instant information, and at the same time, the desire for instant
gratification. Due to this incredible speed, problems face our kids at a quicker
pace. When I was a teenager, I
faced the same problems that our kids face today, but I had much more time to
deal with them. I could get over
certain problems before the next problem came my way while today these teens are
being bombarded every day. It has
become like a train wreck in that boxcars of problems have all stacked up
against each other until the pressure becomes so strong that some of our kids
break under that same pressure.
90&9:
How can we, as Christians, become more sensitive to this topic?
TS: There
are three seemingly simple answers to this question.
1.
Prayer¾not just simple prayer, but deep intercessory
prayer
2.
Study¾not just the Bible, but books and magazines
and people
3.
Stop and take the time to observe the actions and the attitudes of the
teens.
90&9: How would you suggest others go about researching this topic?
What resources would you recommend?
TS: The
easiest way to begin study is to find all books that relate to youth problems.
Focus on the Family has put out many articles.
The first aspect of study though is to begin to pray for a burden for
these young people and allow God to lead you into the areas that would work best
for you. I realize that it sounds like a cliché, but it really is the key.
90&9: Are there any
pertinent Biblical characters that provide a good guide?
TS:
Bro. Jerry Jones preached a message one time that I will never forget.
It was a message based on Paul's statement that Demas had forsaken him.
He went on to tell how Paul could have said that Demas had forsaken the
church, God, Mission, etc., but he personalized it. Paul knew what it was like to take a young person under his
wing. He mentored Timothy, Onesimus, John Mark.
Barnabas
also was another man that knew what it was like to take a young man under his
wing, i.e., Paul, John Mark. Jesus
was obviously well equipped for this task.
All twelve of the disciples had some flaw or damage that Christ assisted.
90&9: What type stability can a youth leader or youth worker offer
when a home life is so unstable?
TS: The
best things that youth leaders can do are the little things.
The embrace after a service or the phone call during the week allows that
teen to know that someone is thinking about them.
They need to show a consistent life because that is what those teens are
looking at and for. An inconsistent lifestyle destroys any words that you may say
to them at other times. Therefore,
if the youth leader is consistent, that will allow an example of consistency and
stability that the teenager is searching for.
90&9: How can the
church reach them in ways social programs can not?
TS: The
obvious answer is an encounter with Christ. The less obvious answer is that we
can allow them to see things that are much bigger than they are, and that is
awe-inspiring. You may say that some social programs do that, but what we have
to offer much bigger that all the social programs combined.
We have the entire plan of mankind at our revelation.
When we can give that vision to teens, whether the adults believe it or
not, they not only can accept it, but they buy into it.
ninetyandnine.com
ã 2000, ninetyandnine.com
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