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An Open Letter To Those Dating “Great” Guys That
Are Not Apostolic-Believers
By Steven Ares An
Apostolic single woman met a man who showed he cared for her very much. This man
did not go to church, but she felt he displayed many fine qualities. After
“waiting on God,” battling loneliness and past relationships with church
guys that left her more “burned than blessed,” she decided to see this man.
Eventually, her emotions for him grew also. She
was raised in church and knew the scriptural teachings regarding appropriate
relationships. She realized they were unequally yoked, but felt this
relationship held potential. He made her happy, treated her well, and although
he didn't attend church, he loved the
fact that church was a major part of her
life. She also felt given enough time, she could “win him to the Lord.” She
asked for my opinion about her situation. Having worked in the Adult Singles
ministry for years, I gave her this reply: Dear
Friend, I
know this may be hard for you to read, but your salvation may be at stake, so I
will be as honest and direct as I can be. There are few, if any, issues of
greater importance than those of the heart and finding the will of God. In the
book His Needs, Her Needs, Willard
Harley, Jr. lists the five main needs of women as: 1. Affection 2. Communication 3. Honesty/Openness 4. Financial Support 5. Family Commitment These
needs are powerful forces in any decision. When a woman becomes involved with a
man whom she perceives can meet these needs, the pull toward him can be strong. Additionally,
feelings of loneliness can be powerful, because everybody wants to be special to
somebody. The
words you used to describe your friend suggest you believe he can fulfill these
needs in your life. You said, “He's a very proper gentleman,"
"Treats me with great respect," "We talk about church
endlessly," and "He knows my boundaries, morals, beliefs, and thinks
the world of me." Although you say you are “not dating yet,” you are
having lunch with him and he visits you at home. My first question: Is this just
a manipulation of words to justify what you want to do without feeling guilty?
Your actions imply he has already become a major factor in your life and
you’re already deep (emotionally) in this relationship. You
may feel you are falling in love with this man, but it may be you have allowed
yourself to fall in love. The question to ask yourself is: Has God placed these
feelings of love and attraction in your heart, or are you trying to have your
needs met your way? The psalmist
admonishes us to "Commit thy way unto
the Lord; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass." (Psalms
37:5) After you commit, then you have to trust. You need to trust that God has
your life in His hands, He’s working things out in a way that’s best for
you, and His timing is perfect. Scripture
states, “But seek ye first the kingdom
of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added
unto you.” (Matthew 6:33) When our vertical relationship with God is made
secure by seeking the kingdom and righteousness of God first,
then our horizontal relationships with others will be constructed on a solid
foundation and not on a foundation of compromise. A quality relationship in your
personal life starts with a quality relationship with God. In
highly emotional situations like this, you must not make decisions based on
feelings. Feelings can fool you; they have
fooled you in the past. You said you feel "surrounded by His peace"
and you feel no “hesitations from God.” But feelings are not enough. This
relationship needs to not only feel right;
it needs to be right biblically and not just in your own thinking and desires.
Since we are all in the body of Christ, your decision regarding this
relationship will have an impact not only on you, but also on your family and
brothers/sisters in the church. So
here we have a “great” guy and an Apostolic woman. There are two ways to
view this great guy. The first is through the eyes of your past. You said
you’ve had some negative experiences with Apostolic men that have included
inappropriate behavior and a general lack of respect in how you were treated.
From this perspective, your “great” guy can certainly be seen as somebody
you would definitely want to have in your life. The
second view is the scriptural perspective. This man is not an
Apostolic-Christian, and no guarantee says he ever will be. You seem to be
viewing him in the wishful light of his potential rather than the hard light of
reality. There are men who long for Apostolic women because of their morals,
convictions and values. However, now your
values are being put to the test, the values of not being unequally yoked and
not compromising. It is not enough your future spouse is “great”; he also needs to be right in God's eyes. A spouse has
a major impact on his/her spouse’s spiritual life and will be a factor in
whether or not he/she makes it to heaven¾a
spouse is that influential. You
can’t help but be affected spiritually if your husband is not actively
committed to Christ. The Old Testament asks, “Can two walk together, except they be agreed?” (Amos 3:3) Of
course you can begin a marriage by walking together physically and emotionally;
however, a lack of agreement exists already if you don't agree on the major
aspects of living for God. Building a good marriage takes a lot of hard work,
effort and patience, even when the couple is perfect for each other. What are
the chances a marriage founded on compromise will stand the test of time and
lead to true satisfaction? In
the book Fit to be Tied, Bill and
Lynne Hybels discuss the vital issue of “rightness”¾being
perfectly synchronized with someone else. This is why God insists on believers
marrying only other believers. He wants spouses to be finely tuned to one
another and equally empowered by Him. Also, He wants couples to share the same
sensitivity to the will of God and the leading of the Spirit. Spiritual
compatibility implies a shared intensity of beliefs and the same degree of
commitment. Additionally,
the book lists other reasons why
believers should be equally yoked: · A Common Treasure: The most precious possession you have is Christ. Jesus must be the center of your life and should also be the center of your spouse’s life. · A Common Blueprint: A marriage should to be built with both partners using the same spiritual blueprint. The couple needs to be able to understand and work from God's blueprint for their lives; this takes spiritual oneness. · A Common Strength: Spiritual compatibility in marriage is necessary so that both spouses can, through prayer, tap into a common strength and hear from God when faced with life's inevitable problems. · Common Values: Spiritual compatibility is also necessary so those parents who share common values can raise children in harmony. I
have no doubt the person you are considering is a great guy with many good
qualities, but this situation still begs the question: Is this relationship
right or am I being impatient and thinking that “This is the best that I'm
going to get?” If this man is introduced to God and gives his life completely
to Him, after an appropriate period of time, seeing him as a future spouse could
become more of a reality. In
determining if this relationship is right for you, please ask yourself the
following questions: § Am I looking to find peace and happiness God's way or my way? § Would I advise a teenager to follow the same relationship path that I’m taking? § Will getting involved with a non-Christian enhance or diminish my ability to minister to others, especially young single women? § What if God has the right man for me in the future, but I never meet him because I’m with this one? § What does the Bible say I should do? Scripture
states, " Where no counsel is, the
people fall: but in the multitude of counsellors there is safety".
(Proverbs 11:14) There is wisdom and protection in seeking counsel, support, and
prayer from others. Talk to your pastor and contact godly women with whom you
have spoken to and prayed with in the past. In this multitude of counselors, you will find both safety and God’s
direction. Dr.
Laura Schlessinger was once asked about marriage between people of different
faiths. She was adamantly opposed to it. For true compatibility in the home, the
spiritual part of the relationship needs to be in complete harmony. Dr. Laura
finished the call by saying, "If your faith means that much to you, you
would marry in it." It's that clear. The
need and desire to love and be loved is very strong, but doing things God's
way and not your way, will
prove to be the only way for you to
have true peace, joy and satisfaction in your life. I
am praying you will find the peace and courage to be patient¾because
God's delay is not His denial. In
Christ, ninetyandnine.com Article
© 2001 Steven Ares Steve Ares attends the United Pentecostal Assembly church in Bellflower, CA. He has taught Singles classes and seminars and leads an Adult Singles Cell group. He currently authors an encouragement e-mail ministry called ‘e-light.’ To find out more about ‘e-light,’ check out the ‘e-light’ website. |
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