|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
Pentecostal BloopersCompiled by the staff of ninetyandnine.com From preacher flub-ups and made-up song lyrics, to cascades down the platform stairs, church sets up the perfect atmosphere for hilarity, partly due to the somber and reverential nature of a religious service. We all have our share of embarrassing moments in and out of a church building. Thankfully, God has equipped our psyche to be able to later laugh at what was once a weep-inducing spectacle. Hey, we've even got a promise about it in the Bible: "Blessed are ye that weep now: for ye shall laugh" (Luke 6:21). We asked our readers to share the best Pentecostal Bloopers they've seen and experienced. Readers shared personal horror stories and accounts of other's humiliating episodes-all of which resulted in faces flushing, giggles escaping and shoulders shaking - and in some cases, out-right explosions of laughter. Ecclesiastes tells us there is "a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance" (Ecclesiastes 3:4). Unfortunately for some, all of these moments come within the same church service… like after falling down the choir loft stairs or rushing into a restroom stall currently in use by a minister-both of which happened to a couple of our readers. We learn to take it all in stride though, knowing that "a merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones" (Proverbs 17:22). So sit back and laugh with our readers as they share their most embarrassing moments. Chances are you'll feel better about your own.
PREACHER PROBLEMS"Every church has those members that just like to talk when given a chance; well, at my home church we had an assistant pastor like that! This fella could chatter your ear off! I mean when he preached, I knew we were going to be in for a long night! My pastor asked him to preach one Sunday night. The service was going as it always did when he preached. He speaks, we listen, and try our best not to fall asleep! Right before I was about to nod off, the funniest thing happened! While he was being all fiery, his false teeth shot straight out of his mouth!! All of the young people, including myself, could hardly stop laughing! My pastor looked over to him and said, 'You might as well stop it here; you have lost them now!' He simply picked up his teeth (that shot half way across the platform), put them back in and preached for another 30 minutes! I will never forget that moment. I might have forgotten the message, but I will never forget those flying teeth!" C.J., Illinois "My husband was preaching and said that we need to kick the devil! About that time he kicked his foot and off came his shoe, shearing the head of his beloved wife in the audience." K.S., Tennessee "My dad is a pastor. One night he was preaching at the local church, and there were visitors there. Even two young men from Jackson College of Ministries were there. Understanding that my dad is a very passionate preacher, a fireball preacher, this story is really hilarious. He was preaching about Jacob wrestling with the angel. In his zeal to relate the story, he began to stagger and act out the wrestling match. He literally did almost like a flip and his legs came up in front of the congregation. Just at that moment his pants couldn't take the strain, and they ripped right in front of the entire congregation (250 people). One man said it was like a deer throwing his flag - a white streak. While the crowd was still laughing, dad wrapped his coat around him and kept preaching. Unbelievably, we had several people receive the Holy Ghost that night. Needless to say, he bought new pants after that night." J.D., Mississippi "About two months ago, during Wednesday night Bible study, the pastor was out of town and the new assistant pastor was teaching. Our church is on the freeway and from time to time, our sound system will pick up on some of the conversations going on between truckers on their CBs. Well, right in the middle of the lesson, a trucker's CB signal came through the church's sound system. The trucker proceeded to tell his buddy (and the entire church) exactly what he was going to do to his girlfriend when he got back home. The sound man had gone to sit with his family during the sermon and wasn't near the sound board to mute the X-rated conversation coming through the speakers. The crowd collectively gasped and then different ones began to giggle (including myself). The preacher realized something was wrong but didn't hear the X-rated banter and said, 'In Jesus' Name' and continued preaching. Needless to say, that was one of the funniest nights at church - ever." R.C., Arkansas
SPIRITUAL MISHAPS"As I sat in church camp (1994), the worship leader began to sing a song titled, 'Don't Waste Your Time.' For some reason it just hit home to me; I had just received the Holy Ghost six months before this week of camp. As they began to sing it, I lifted my hands and began to cry; I really got into the song. As I opened my eyes, everyone was looking at me, and I realized that this was a silly song. I was so embarrassed. I began to laugh as others were laughing around me. That was a red-faced moment for me." A. W., Tennessee "We were having an awesome move of the Holy Ghost one evening; everyone was dancing and shouting and worshiping the Lord in the fullness of the spirit. It was great! They had one of those metal heater radiators on the side of the church, you know the ones like they used to have in the old school houses. Well, anyway, as pastor's wife began to dance, we heard her shout, or so we thought, twice with much 'fervor!' Which really excited several of the other ladies over by her. She then fell to the ground and began to roll around. We were thinking, 'She's a holy roller!' but later we found out she had stubbed her toes, not once but twice on that heater and was rolling around on the ground in pain! It was quite a treat for those who knew what happened. Even to this day, every once in a while, someone brings it up, and she kind of snickers." J.S., Oklahoma "One Sunday night we were having this really awesome service. Back then, I was not in church and I was sitting back observing everything. This older guy, about in his 50s, started to make victory laps around the church. My friend and I noticed that he was holding on to his pants because they were a little big. Well, about the time he got to us, he threw his hands up in the air and down came his pants causing him to trip and fall. Even though this happened, he just pulled his pants up and continued making his victory laps. It was really funny. Afterward someone asked him if he knew what had happened, but he said he didn't remember a thing about it." J. C., Mississippi "On one Sunday morning a new person who had been coming to our church was very into the worship service. She was almost swinging on the pew in front of her with her weight on her arms; her legs - one would go up and then the other. Almost something you might see in the Olympics. Just as she was really into the service, her shoe fell off her foot and all the way across the church and almost hit someone in the head. I'm not sure that she knew it had ever happened." C.W., North Carolina
VERBAL FLOPS"My former pastor was preaching his heart out one time and proclaimed to the church 'you do as I do-do.' Oh my, it started with my husband and rolled all through the church. He caught himself and got so tickled, he repeated and then there he went...off with the biggest case of the giggles you had ever seen." M. T., Tennessee "My father-in-law's nephew had just preached a sermon on 'Who Jesus Is.' After the altar call, the pastor asked my father-in-law to dismiss in prayer. In trying to decide whether to start the prayer with 'Dear Lord...' or 'Dear Jesus...' he accidentally combined the two and actually started the prayer with 'Dear Jorge...' I don't believe anyone heard the rest of the prayer for all of the laughter." C. T. Missouri "We were having testimony service. A number of people had testified and a man got up who did not testify very often. He said, 'I have a song on my heart,' and then there was a pause, 'and I don't know the words and I forget how the music goes.' Needless to say, that ended testimony service as we couldn't go on for all the laughing." P.F., Ohio "Our Sunday school teacher recently taught our lesson on the 10 leopards, of whom only one returned to thank Jesus." "[Our pastor] announced that Moses' mother 'neutered' the Baby Moses. We're guessing he was going for 'nurtured.'" L. A., Louisiana "My pastor loves to get the congregation involved in his sermons. One Wednesday night he said, 'Everyone look at your navel and say ….' Needless to say, he didn't know what he had said, but we all lost it." A.S., Mississippi "A young preacher was teaching and started talking about the parts of the armor of God. He started with the girdle - He said the girdle was to hold all the loose ends in. We just had to guffaw." B.K., Arkansas "A pastor, speaking of Samson, said, 'and Samson took the jawbone of a donkey's ass and slew the Philistines.'" G.M., California "A young preacher in a youth service kept saying, Jonah was 'inside the belly's whale.' He did it like five times before he finally got it right." K. C., Missouri "You've heard of the Loch Ness monster? My pastor-husband was preaching one Sunday night on the righteousness of God, and he just could not remember as he was preaching whether or not he had said the 'ness' part of righteousness; so he just kept adding a 'ness' to the word when he said it. Once he actually added 'ness' twice after he had already said righteousness. The first few times the congregation just smiled, then we were doing our best to restrain ourselves from laughing; finally, we just burst out laughing and the pastor joined us with 'I give up. I can't get this word right tonight.'" "When my Dad was in Bible college, each of the students were given an opportunity to preach in chapel. It was the first time in the pulpit for many of them and they were nervous. Some of them tried to imitate other ministers' 'anointed' ways. One guy was reading a passage from the Bible and he incorrectly read - with great emphasis - 'out of his belly shall flow livers of riving water.'" T. O., Massachusetts "A friend was getting up to sing at church one night and was really nervous about it. But she loves the Lord and wanted people to see that she wasn't up there to show off her talent. She walked up nervously, took the microphone and said, 'I love the Lord tonight and am so thankful for His many blessings. Just worship me as I sing.' Puzzled and embarrassed at the response, she grabbed for the right words. With her eyes widely opened and more nervous than before, she said, 'No …. worship me!' She had said it again! The song came on and she had no way to get out of it." S.L., Tennessee "We recently had an over-zealous Bible-study salesman give a presentation on his particular study. As one might already know, a slight tongue slip is all it takes to give the holy writ a completely different meaning. As he proceeded to proclaim of the wonders of his new-found salvation, he told of how one day he could not wait to get to the city built four-square where he could walk down streets of gold with his silver strippers!" K. J., California "At our watch night service on New Year's Eve 1993, we were having a great service and the spirit was just right for a message from God. As the church seemed to wait for the impending message and interpretation, one of the 'eccentric & Alzheimerish' ladies in our church obviously couldn't handle the silence and stood up and gave her own version of a message from above. Here's the gist...'I, the Lord, God say that I will bless your finances in 1994. I the Lord God say I will bless your family in 1994 and I the Lord God say that I will bless your love life in 1944.' Then she passed out. After we about fell out of our seats with laughter, we were pretty disappointed since most of us weren't born in 1944, and we hoped we hadn't missed our chance for a 'love life blessing.'" K. D., Texas
PRATFALLS"One Sunday night after the choir had already brought the house down, I was going down the steps (in front of the whole church) and my shoe got caught on the last step and I lunged forward into the arms of a man on the front row!" T.B., Tennessee "Like all Pentecostal young ladies I was eagerly anticipating the adoration I knew I would receive when my fellow young people recognized the new pair of shoes I was going to reveal on a fateful Sunday night. They were black, of course. The heel was at least five inches and quite chunky, as was the fashion. It just so happened that this was also the first Sunday service the church choir was going to be donning their new, flowing choir robes for evening worship. I stood tall in my new heels, poking proudly from beneath the turquoise robe, waiting for my moment to turn the corner and climb the stairs to my position on the top row of the choir. I could see the glint of jealousy in the eye of Stephanie Ackerman (name changed for purposes of discretion). As I made my way up the stairs and turned the corner, I heard a slight rip. Suddenly I was falling forward, head first, and my right shoe was taking flight. It made its way past the piano and halted at the edge of the platform. As I was normally stationed on the top row, the entire left hand side of the choir waited to ascend. I managed to pick myself up from the stairs, backside facing the congregation, and walk shamefully to the edge of the platform to reclaim my new shoe. I lifted the ripped hem of my robe and took my place in the choir, quietly chuckling and struggling to retain some dignity." B.W., Florida
AND A CHILD SHALL LEAD THEM"Once while we were traveling, it was time for the offering at a church where we were. I gave my little Preston some money for the offering (he was only about two at the time) and waited for the usher to come to our pew. We were sitting close to the front. I let Preston go down to the end of the pew to put his money in (mistake). After the usher had passed, Preston took off out of the pew toward the altar! I got up and went after him. Well, if that's not embarrassing enough, I got almost close enough to grab him and he took off the other way! So, here I am in front of the church chasing a little boy around. By that time, I was laughing my head off!" K. S., Tennessee "In the new sanctuary, we're still not quite used to the slope yet. Silly me brought a circular toy for Nelson. Well, you know the ability of an infant to hold on to an object. It wasn't long before he dropped it. It rolled all the way to the front of the church. I felt like all eyes were on me. I just looked around and acted like it was someone else." S. V., Ohio
JUST PLAIN HUMILIATING"A well-known minister was visiting our church and before he got ready to preach, the choir was asked to sing. While the choir was finishing up, he slipped out the back and went to the pastor's office to 'take care of business.' After we finished singing, I slipped out the back as well and proceeded to go to the restroom located in the pastor's office - I felt liberty to do this since the pastor was my husband's father - the door was closed (as always) and I was in a hurry to go and get back into service, so I just swung the door open and there he stood with the biggest smile on his face like, 'I've just been caught!' I slammed the door, and with my face red and my mouth wide open ran downstairs to compose myself... I walked back in, took my seat and was so embarrassed... after service, I tried my best to ignore him and stay away but he made his way to me, and with a big smile on his face, shook my hand and said, 'Sister, next time you'll knock before you open doors won't you?!'" T.B., Tennessee "During a conference at our church, a visiting minister and his wife were asked to the platform to sing. She was going to play the piano while he sang. Just before, the minister's wife had visited the ladies' room and was in such a hurry she obviously didn't 'check' herself in the full-length mirror before leaving. She approached the platform with the back of her dress tucked neatly into her pantyhose!" K.S., Tennessee
ninetyandnine.com © 2002, ninetyandnine.com |
|
|
