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All You Need To Get Married
(Male Version 2.0)
By Stuart Kent
August 5, 2002
Guys, I received a fantastic brochure in the mail the other day for a credit
card that charges zero interest, plus you never
have to pay it back. No, seriously, it was a 105-page information guide for
visiting
Santa Fe
,
New Mexico
. The attraction that caught my eye - the one I think everyone should know about
- was under the heading “The City Romantic: Getting Married” (page 72). The
caption states: “All you need to get a marriage license in
Santa Fe
is your spouse-to-be, $25 dollars in cash, and I.D.”
Wow!
That makes it so simple! And you thought getting married was going to be tough!
There is a beautiful glossy picture above the caption, featuring a smiling
couple dressed in formal wedding attire leaning up against a 1940ish,
beautifully restored, cream-colored Cadillac with lush green trees in the
background, which says to me, “Getting married is as much fun as dressing up
in real fancy clothes and zipping down a country road with the wind in your
hair. Marriage is easy.”
The
rest of the caption reads: Simply bring “(bride, cash, ID) to the
County
Clerk
’s office between eight and four. You can get married in a garden, an alpine
meadow, on horseback, or on the train. Professional wedding planners, caterers,
florists, jewelers, and photographers will take care of the details and leave
the joy to you.”
You
may have already guessed by now that you may need more than $25 cash at this
point. You probably are having doubts about marriage being so much fun and
stress free. You may be holding $25 and your I.D. but wondering where on this
planet do you pick up a “spouse-to-be?”
It
seems to me that the word “marriage,” used so invitingly and freely in the
brochure, is mistakenly used instead of the more temporary word “wedding.”
Young Americans seem way too distracted with the wedding concept, entering into
marriage ill-prepared, which results in the staggering number of divorces in
this country.
That’s
why I am here offering you man-to-man, free-of-charge-and-no-interest-until-July
2003, a short list of those needful
things you may want to have before the wedding and subsequent marriage. They are
(in no particular order):
· A Washer and Dryer - The day you return
home from your honeymoon, you will have several large loads of very smelly
clothes. But there, waiting in the wings of the laundry nook sits the items you
forsook that new Bowflex® machine in order to buy: a brand new washer and
dryer. This will score maximum points with your new blushing bride so that she
can restore your little love cottage to the pleasant aroma of romance, instead
of the pungent odor of roadkill-wearing-running-shoes-after-a-marathon. (Note:
Don’t be offended if she spends more time bonding with these appliances than
she does with you the first evening at home.)
· A Job - Nothing says “I Love You”
more than the fact that she doesn’t have to spend every minute of the waking
day with you since you’re away earning money for food and rent. Decide now
that you are going to provide your new soul-mate with a regular paycheck every
week or two. Preferably, earn all the diplomas and/or degrees you wish to earn before
the wedding. This will ensure her that you will have adequate time for
performing important marital tasks such as taking out the garbage. Or crawling
under the house to find out if something died under there after the garbage is
taken out, and the stench remains.
· A Brain - Your pastor will help you
locate your brain since you probably didn’t realize yours was missing. As a
guy, your brain is way too involved in thinking about…um, well…er…sex and
stuff while giant economy-size doses of testosterone surge through every cell in
your body to make absolutely sure you think about it. Ask the pastor to put
these thoughts into perspective, plus read every James Dobson book about the
opposite sex you can get your hands on. And remember - that girl you long to
spend the rest of your life with may one day, the day you forget to act like a
gentleman, throw furniture at you.
· A Friend - Notice I said friend and not
friends. Of course, your wife will
become your friend, but there are times when you will be convinced that she
definitely has some sort of schizophrenia or something going on, possibly
genetic. That is when you will need to meet with your guy friend and discuss, in confidence, how you feel lower than dirt,
like someone just shot your dog after it just saved your life. Your friend
(preferably a brother in the church) will, at that point, pray with you and for
you and offer consolation, even loan you some golf money until things cool down
at home. That’s what friends are for, right guys?
· Honor - Just because you captured the
trophy (wife) doesn’t mean you can have her stuffed by a taxidermist and hung
over the fireplace. No, the way to a successful marriage is to remember to act
with honor and respect like you did when you were winning her heart. Marriage is
a ride down a country road sometimes, and there will always be bumps and
potholes in that road. Hopefully, all the pastor’s advice and Dobson books
will kick in and help you love your wife during these times, as Jesus loved the
Church. Treat her with respect and your marriage will grow, not like a weed that
you want to get rid of, but like a glorious summer flower that you will admire.
As Paul wrote, “Husbands, love your
wives, just as Christ also loved the Church and gave Himself for her”
(Ephesians
5:25
NKJV).
I
believe that marriage is for two people committed to something greater than the
marriage itself, two people who love God more than each other. I’m talking
survival in desperate times, where too many marriages end up broken.
Having
a great wedding, especially in
Santa Fe
, would be very romantic, I’m certain. But with love and the five essential
items I listed above, your relationship along that country road may hit the
rocks, or possibly go off a cliff, but will stay intact, alive, and fresh for a
lifetime.
Just don’t forget your I.D.
ninetyandnine.com
©
2002, Stuart D. Kent
---------
Stuart
D. Kent lives in
Macon
,
GA
, has 2.5 children, and drives a 19-ton fire truck for a living. |
