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Beauty or Ashes? Top Dating Blunders
By Cara Baker and Jessica Leopold You've found a person who meets at least 89 percent of
the criteria outlined in your "Yes"
List, right? Now you've been out a few times and found out
you're compatible. You officially have begun dating. He brings you a Starbucks
Chocolate Brownie drink on your morning break; she straightens your tie before
you can ask her if it’s crooked. It’s romantic; it’s beautiful … it
sickly sweet to those around you. But beware, there are some ways human nature
tends to sabotage relationships. If you’re aware of these tendencies up front,
you’re less likely to allow them to sneak in and ruin a potentially great
thing. Be on guard for these top dating blunders: In A New Dating Relationship
·
Not
incorporating prayer—This doesn’t mean that every
time you get together for dinner, you are required to have a three-hour prayer
meeting. In order to be “dating,” you must first be friends, and what true
friend neglects to pray for the people in his/her life? Continually ask God’s
blessing on the relationship and ask Him to make you sensitive to right and
wrong. Failing to do this is harmful to you and
your friend. ·
Discussing
past relationships—Girls, your date doesn't want to
hear about Kyle the body builder's emotional insecurities that led to your
breakup or Robert the super-evangelist’s 40-day fasts. And fellas, no girl
wants to hear that curly-haired Jenny wore too much perfume. No matter if your
past relationships were good, bad, or really ugly, keep it to yourself for a
while. Talk about church, philosophy, art, baseball, soybeans—anything but
Kyle, Robert, or Jenny. ·
Sharing
your emotional past—You have serious stories of your
past. You long to be able to find someone to share the hurts and highlights of
your life. It’s common. The time will come to reveal these stories as you grow
closer to one another, so don’t spill your guts over an ice cream cone on the
third date. It will make you prematurely vulnerable and it's unfair to your
date. Neither one of you are at a place to handle sharing that kind of
information yet. ·
Listening
or talking too much—There is a popular stereotype that
suggests men love to talk about themselves and women will listen as much as they
think men want them to. Actress Marlene Dietrich said, “The average man is more interested in a
woman who is interested in him than he is in a woman—any woman—with
beautiful legs.” Guys, talk with
girls and not to them. Women, don’t be a passive listener; engage your date in
meaningful conversation. And above all . . . be yourself. ·
Breaking
promises—Sure, there are all kinds of unspoken rules about when
a guy should call and when a girl should accept a date, etc. Just have some
common courtesy by not making promises you won’t keep. If you say you’ll
call, call. Don’t be coy; don’t keep each other guessing. If you want to
play it cool, just don’t make promises. And remember that playing some
ridiculous dating game is dishonest, foolish, and immature—it is not Christian
conduct. ·
Being
an emotional leech—Nothing is as unattractive as
desperate or needy people. A healthy relationship is comprised of two complete
human beings, not one and three-quarters. Nothing will ruin a potentially good
romance than bringing up marriage two weeks into the relationship. Make sure you’re able to exist as happily single
before you’re happily coupled.
·
Wearing
blinders—Love is blind, but it doesn’t have to be stupid.
Don’t disregard any red flags or warning signals about your new friend.
You’re each trying to put your best face forward during this early dating
period. You both probably have skeletons in the closet. Just be on the lookout
for potentially destructive character flaws or problems that may surface down
the road and decide if they’re going to be worth dealing with down the road. After You’ve Been Dating a While
Having avoided the pitfalls of a newly born relationship, you now regularly refer to each other as
“Sweetie” and “Honey-blossom.” You take long road trips together and
sometimes he talks about “the future.” The 46th date was just as
exciting as the third date, but this time you shared your most intimate feelings
and created precious memories. But, as health textbooks inform us, the teenage
years require the same sort of nurturing as the early years. Throughout the
teenage years of your relationship, be aware of these possible mistakes: ·
Not
incorporating prayer—If you’re not comfortable
praying with someone while you’re dating, how will that change when you’re
married? If God’s not the center of your romance, He’s not the center of
your life. Even if you say a short prayer together before you say goodnight,
investing in eternal things is never wasteful. ·
Spending
too much time together—Though it’s exciting and
wonderful to be in a dating situation, you must leave breathing room.
Maintaining your own identity throughout this process is essential to being an
active member of the relationship. When every waking moment is spent together,
soon you will have nothing to talk about. Spend time with your other friends or
do your own thing for a few nights. After all, absence makes the heart grow
fonder. ·
Being
exclusive—Cutting off other vital relationships in your life will
come back to haunt you. If this wonderful relationship fails, you will need a
support system to plug into. Plus, no one likes to get the “I have a
boy/girlfriend now” shaft. ·
Getting
too comfortable physically—Your newest love interest should
still be treated with the same respect as
any other brother or sister in the Lord. Letting down the barriers
of personal physical space can
lead to moral compromise. On your day off, when your
friend comes over to have lunch, don’t strut around in your skivvies just
because you normally would. Have respect for biblical (and one another’s)
standards. ·
Playing
house—You’re not your boyfriend/girlfriend’s spouse.
Resist the urge to cook for them every night or to decorate their house.
Adjusting his tie is one thing, ladies, but picking out his wardrobe is another.
Checking her car for a squeaking noise is nice, but being a mechanic, chauffeur,
and daily chaperone is suffocating. Remember, you’re building a best friendship. An
intimate relationship may follow, but an initial friendship is far more
significant than anything that follows. In the overall schema of a romance,
after the wedding, the honeymoon, the kids, the traveling, and the careers,
you’re back again to being best
friends. Last week: The Search
for Your Soul Mate Next week:
Deciphering the “Break-up” Code ninetyandnine.com © 2002 Cara Baker, Jessica Leopold ------ |
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