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February 3, 2003 Dear Gabby, I am very active in my church’s closely-knit youth group. We do everything together and don’t know the meaning of cliques. Some of my youth group friends and I have noticed some troubling things about a couple in our youth group. Ever since they got married, there have been problems in the marriage and it’s obvious. They have talked of their problems to me and to several other friends. The husband is very controlling over his wife. He’s relentlessly strict with her, while he can pretty much do whatever he wants. He’s jealous if she talks to any other guys (friendly talk, as in “How are you?” kind of talk). He makes her dress to his (utterly ridiculous) specifications. For instance, she has to wear a body suit under all of her clothes so that no part of her body will ever show if she raises her hands or anything like that. This is just the tip of the iceberg. We can all tell that she is so unhappy. What makes the situation complicated is that this guy is a young minister at our church. They are both good friends of mine. It is very hard for me to sit at church and listen to him try to guide us when he can't even keep his marriage healthy. What can I, or anyone do about this situation? Do I just sit back and bear looking at both of them in pain or do I say something to them or just pray for them? Sincerely, Troubled in Texas
Dear Troubled, After World War I, several families in our town adopted orphaned children from Europe. Most of the children and their families connected well with each other, and after a couple of years had passed, most of us forgot that the children were adopted. I remember one time commenting to Mrs. Leonard about how much her son Peter (who was adopted) looked like his Grandpa Leonard. I had completely forgotten that Peter had come to them from Europe! And sisters Greta and Mary Sibberson (one of whom was adopted) were absolutely inseparable. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the situation with our next-door-neighbors, the Strattons. Otto and Elsa’s only daughter had died in infancy and they’d never been able to have any other children. And Elsa wanted children more than anything. She wouldn’t eat. She was so sad all the time. She always acted annoyed by the antics of my younger siblings, Susannah and Stanley. Elsa had wasted away to almost nothing when word came that the orphaned children were available for adoption. Suddenly she became a new person. She was getting another chance to be a mother! Otto and Elsa became parents to a tall, blond six year-old girl named Irena. Elsa immediately decided that she was going to be a better mother than any other in our town – especially my wise mother (as if that were possible!). Her daughter Irena was going to be smart, beautiful, flawlessly presented and perfectly behaved at all times. Of course Susannah and Stanley didn’t know all that. They just knew that there was a new playmate next door and they were excited to get to know her and make friends with her. (I was a young teenager then, and had my eyes on more important things ‑ like the handsome Harry VanBurden!) So the first morning after Irena’s arrival at the Stratton’s house, Susannah and Stanley tromped over to their home and knocked on the door to ask if Irena could play. “No, not today,” said Elsa Stratton. “Irena is having her hair curled today.” Hair curled? Our mom always did ours on Saturday nights so we’d look our best for church on Sundays – never on Tuesday mornings! The next day Irena couldn’t play because she was starting her English lessons and her mother wanted her to learn to speak with no “foreign accent.” Day after day, there was some reason why Irena couldn’t play with Susannah and Stanley. It was cooking lessons and deportment lessons (as if my own wise mother couldn’t teach us how to comport ourselves without formal lessons!) and getting her hair done and who knows what else? She wasn’t even allowed to go to the town’s school. Her mother taught her at home. We literally never saw Irena those first few months except when she was sitting by her parents at church, with her hands in her lap, her eyes straight ahead, and every curly hair in place. Her mother didn’t seem to ever look at the preacher. Elsa Stratton spent most of her time at church watching Irena, making sure her daughter looked and behaved perfectly. I didn’t understand it at all. So I asked my wise mother about the situation. “Why is Mrs. Stratton like that?” I asked her as we hung wet clothes on the line together. “I feel sorry for poor Irena.” “Elsa Stratton doesn’t like herself,” answered my mother, as she pulled a clothespin out of her mouth to attach my Papa’s blue shirt to the clothesline. “What do you mean? She acts more like she doesn’t like Irena.” “She doesn’t feel very important on her own so she thinks that everyone will look at her more favorably if her daughter is perfect.” “What do you think will happen to Irena?” I asked her, shaking the wrinkles out of a skirt. “If something doesn’t change soon, poor Irena will grow up an angry, rebellious young lady.” We hung clothes silently for a while, each thinking of poor Irena and Elsa Stratton. Then my wise Mama sighed. “I believe I’d better have a chat with the Pastor at the church.” So she did. The very next day. And although she didn’t give us kids any details of her conversation with the Pastor, I did overhear her telling my Papa that she’d spoken of her concerns to Pastor Baker and his wife over coffee that day. Did things change dramatically for Irena and Elsa? No, not dramatically. But Elsa did begin to allow little Irena to play a bit outside the house. And a couple of years later, she was enrolled at the town’s school. Her mother still spent most of the time watching her out the window and finding excuses to stop by the school during the day, but, thanks to my wise mother’s conversation with the Pastor, Irena was able to grow up into a beautiful woman – and mother to her own children. So, Ms. Troubled in Texas, my advice to you is to sit down with the senior pastor (and his wife) at your church and tell them your concerns about the situation. They may not be aware of some of the particulars like you are. Then, except for praying to God, stop talking about them! It’s important to continue to offer friendship to them both, and if you’re gossiping about them to your friends, that’s not very supportive. Leave the rest in God’s hands. God can help them, with the assistance of the pastoral staff, to work out their marriage difficulties. Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2003, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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