|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
May 19, 2003 I am a young woman who has been married for 2 1/2 years. My father raised my brother and me after my parents divorced when I was 7 years old and I was never able to connect with my mother (who lived in a different state). My father and I did not get along at all. I think he had some kind of anger in him toward all women. I never understood why he seemed to love my brother more than he loved me. We began to drift even further apart when he stopped going to church and I continued to go. He even began to call me names and tell me I was only going to church to show off. To me, the church was my family and I desired to be in the family of God greatly. So, even though I went to church, I hated my father and his emotional and physical abuse. I prayed so hard for us to become a family like we should be, but it wasn't until he was diagnosed with cancer that we began to get close. He found his way back to God, and just a couple of months later, he died (only 11 days before he was supposed to walk me down the aisle at my wedding). The whole reason why I am writing you is I feel like I'm not being fair to my husband in our relationship. I have so many emotions and feelings inside that sometimes it's too much. I don’t know how to love him like I should. I didn’t have an example to follow. My husband is going to school full time during the day and working full time at night. I'm also working full time. I don't know how to let him know that I'm proud of him that he's doing great. Even though I say it to him (and mean it), it's like words are not enough sometimes. I really need some direction on how to make him feel like I support and love him more than anything. Do you have any advice for me? Sincerely, Loving and Concerned Wife in Wisconsin
Dear Mrs. Wisconsin Stanley’s granddaughter Sarah spoils me by taking me shopping and to lunch at least once a month. Last week we went to that lovely Thai restaurant and ate the most delicious noodle dish I’d ever tasted. Of course, we both ate too much. So, since the weather was lovely, we took a walk after lunch and it was then that we encountered the darling young family from Portugal. We were strolling toward the park when we noticed them standing near their baby stroller, looking confusedly at an opened map. The young man was pointing and the young woman was talking and gesturing dramatically. It was obvious that they were lost. Unfortunately, they weren’t speaking English. Sarah immediately thought they were speaking Spanish and told me she’d go see if she could help them out with some directions. (Sarah has spoken Spanish fluently since the year she worked as a missionary helper in Central America.) I sat down on the park bench to rest my arthritic knees while Sarah chatted with the young couple. Instead of smoothly communicating with each other (as I’d seen her do many times with the Spanish speaking folks around town), they seemed to be having difficulty understanding each other. Finally, Sarah dug through her purse for a pen and I watched her as she drew on the map. Instead of just a minute or two, it was a quarter hour before the couple collected their baby and, following Sarah’s gestures, they set off toward town. “Wow, that was frustrating,” Sarah said, as she plopped down on the park bench beside me. “What was the problem?” I asked her. She sighed. “I speak Spanish. They’re from Portugal, so they speak Portuguese.” “Aren’t the two languages almost the same?” “They have many similarities,” she said, “but they’re totally different languages.” “Did you understand them at all?” “Oh yes. We understood words here and there. We got the gist of what the other was saying but communication was much harder than it would have been if I’d spoken Portuguese or they’d spoken Spanish.” “Or if you’d both spoken English, for that matter.” She nodded, sighed and, after a nice spell, we resumed our stroll. Mrs. Wisconsin, I was reminded of Sarah’s conversation with the Portuguese couple when I read your letter. They both wanted to know what the other was saying. They both tried hard to communicate. They even succeeded – at least a bit – in their spoken conversation. However, it wasn’t until Sarah took out her pen and wrote on the map that they finally got her message. Not only are there many different spoken languages and dialects in the world, there are also different ways we communicate love. Some of us only feel love if our sweetheart says loving things to us. Others don’t care about words, but they want their loved one to spend a lot of time just being near them. Some want to be touched. Others want gifts. My mother felt loved when we weeded her kitchen garden. Any time we did something around the house before she asked us made her feel like we really loved her. All those are ways of communicating love, but people don’t respond equally to each way. I’m guessing that your father really did love you, but was unsuccessful in communicating that honest feeling in the language you understood. He was speaking love in Portuguese and you only understood Spanish! I’d like to suggest that you do two things. One is to think about what your husband could do to make you feel his love for you. Do you want him to spend time with you? Do you want him to bring you gifts? Do you want him to tell you about his love with words? Would you feel more loved if he scoured the bathroom each week? Do you want him to hold your hand when you’re out together? When you recognize exactly what it is that makes you understand his love, it’s easier to let him know. The second thing is to study your husband to figure out what makes him feel loved. When does he respond the most positively to your overtures of love? When you’ve figured that out, you can then do more of that and not be so concerned with the overtures that he’s less impressed by. I’m convinced that, with some honest reflection and hard work, you’ll not only be able to communicate your love and admiration to your husband, you’ll be able to feel loved yourself! Try speaking Portuguese instead of Spanish and see if it doesn’t make a difference! Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2003, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
|
|
