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The State of the Apostolic
Nation - The Great Marriage Survey Part 2 Last week, we covered the basic information of all of our participants, as well as some big picture issues. This week, we focus on specific issues and problems. More than one person has mentioned to us how this type of marriage survey is long overdue, so we want to thanks everyone who participated with such candid information. True, it’s only a snapshot of the Spirit-filled movement today, but it seems to provide an accurate focus for many of us today. Some thoughts: ■ In fact, it was difficult cutting the answers down to representative replies, instead of running so many. Whether yours appear or not, know that they were counted. ■ Due to the overwhelming response to this poll, we’ll probably run another marriage survey in the near future, focusing on different questions. ■ Major props to Paula North for her tireless number crunching in this endeavor. So here it is! Let us know if this information corroborates to your end of the universe and what it means to you. -The Editors of ninetyandnine
Responses include: ■ My neatness—as the occasion demands. ■ My husband is very short and abrupt when he talks to people and I am sensitive to that. He thinks I'm over-emotional sometimes. ■ Who makes the major decisions or money. ■ My wife seems to want to take furniture cast-offs from our daughter. I would like my daughter to get rid of her own furniture rather than clutter up our house with it. ■ Discipline/correction of the children. Weekly. Split family, both my second partner and I have children. We disagree about them weekly. ■ When we were younger, it was disciplining children, and finances. Now it is how slow he drives, and how fast I drive. Silly, insignificant things, just so we have something to do. Ha. ■ Money or his parents. Or both at the same time. ■ We argue the most about which restaurant we should eat at. After every church service. ■ About once a month, I find myself trying to assure my wife that I accept and love her as she is. ■ Most of our fights are the result of caring a great deal for each other. For example, we get upset when one of us is mistreated and want to correct it. ■ We have never argued nor fought in all our 32 years of marriage—we discuss and compromise. ■ The core disagreement always seems to come down to someone who was inconsiderate or did not think about the other before acting. We have had a difficult time realizing that we are truly one. ■ Where to live—once a week. ■ My husband drinks, and this is our major issue. It isn't often, but any is too much. ■ His daughter and her mother. ■ Her unfaithfulness, and being a messy housekeeper. ■ We argue all the time about the friends he's had since high school that are not great influences. ■ His working too much and not coming home when he says he is on his way. At least twice a month. ■ Who turns the light out last. ■ Control issues—about once every two weeks. ■ We own a business, most often it is about how responsibility is shared. ■ How to find a happy medium in the whole standard area that the church places such a heavy emphasis on. Sometimes, it feels like, “Can’t we just love and worship God without all these pressures of looking a certain way and acting a certain way and on and on.” ■ I am more liberal in spending, she is more conservative. We don’t really fight about it. She just gets stressed more easily. ■ We disagree the most over our social calendar—my husband would have us spend every weekend night with friends, while I'm a homebody. We usually disagree at least once every one to two months about this. ■ He would make stuff up to fight about. He often said I was having an affair and I was a disgrace to everyone around me. ■ Ex's. ■ Sex, disciplining children, money matters, our positions in the family: “head” and “main decision maker.” ■ Stupid small things everyday . . .sometimes her mercy gifting doesn't mesh too well with my teaching gifting but it helps us both to sharpen each other. ■ Buying things we can't afford. ■ Spouse laziness. ■ Keeping your word once you agree to something, be it about money or child-raising or whatever. ■ That she doesn't turn on the fan when she uses the bathroom. Every day.
Responses include: ■ My hobbies. ■ Yes, but I couldn't put it in this survey either. ■ We haven't found anything yet. ■ Yes. Some of the battles I face. ■ God—at this point. ■ Yes—My previous marriage partner and her family, and anything to do with that life. She goes into tailspin and it brings up long, drawn-out, conversations with her that last for days/weeks. She keeps score and those tidbits are brought up. ■ I find it to be impossible to talk to him about my deepest feelings and desires. ■ Yes—wisdom is sometimes the act of shut up and listen. ■ Nothing. There are things we have discussed, and choose to no longer discuss, as they are to painful. We have dealt with those issues, and gotten past them. You put them away, give them to God, and leave them there. If you don't, you continually rehash. ■ Not really; but if it were anything it would be how involved his parents are in our lives and how much say they have over decisions, especially his mom. ■ Politics and religion, of course. Our political viewpoints differ. ■ Because of our arguments, I’ve learned that there is nothing that I have to hide from my spouse, but I do sometimes need to reveal them at opportune times. ■ Being he is not a Christian, I usually can't talk “God things” with him, such as sermons heard, etc. Some things he doesn't understand, such as the Oneness message. ■ Yes, but I won't tell you either. ■ She wouldn't talk, period. :( ■ His purpose or calling in God. ■ Yes, his friends. He gets so defensive. ■ LOL—ex's. ■ Sensitive areas—her weight and my dislikes. ■ Church and the UPC doctrine—which I find in many areas to be inconsistent with the word of God. ■ My work, she doesn't understand what I do. ■ My adultery, before we were saved. ■ We both give each other room to discuss gender-specific needs with people of the same gender. It took a while to arrive at this understanding though. ■ How he really makes me feel—although, I have decided that I'm too old to wait for him to take a hint, so I tell him what bugs me more often now. ■ Yes. As a minister I have people tell me things in confidence, and I cannot share them with anyone, including my wife. ■ Dissatisfactions with his personal appearance. ■ Yes, but I usually end up talking to him anyway. ■ Yes. There will always be items in the back of my mind that I feel are unnecessary to talk to him about. I have been with my husband for 13 years, but I am still an individual with diverse thoughts. The most private of my thoughts I will never share with him. ■ Absolutely not. We refuse to keep any kind of secrets from each other. We want to be accountable to one another. ■ He would turn everything around to hurt me, so I couldn't talk about anything!
Responses include: ■ The first three years I would have answered “happier,” but after two small children, stress has taken its’ toll—it is a roller-coaster ride (like life in general) sometimes up, sometimes down, but at least I'm not alone! ■ I have no problem sharing the housecleaning and child-rearing responsibilities with my wife, while I see many Apostolic women who are noticeably resentful towards their husbands for being slack in those duties (especially with the child-rearing part). ■ We try to face our problems honestly and get counseling help when we need it. Our relationship was first founded on a long friendship that allows us to enjoy one another even when “romance” isn't there. ■ We have learned about the proper spiritual role of the husband, and he has taken the leadership role in this area. This one thing makes all other areas of life and marriage go much more smoothly. ■ I really cannot compare. I just know we a happier than when we were single. ■ He acts like he's perfect in front of other people, put me and my children in a safe house, and committed the physical act of adultery. This from a man whom was to be a leader in the church. This is sad, but true. ■ The odds seem to stack against us. ■ We both have graduate-level college educations and are more open than most other apostolic. We have more diverse experiences, which allow us to see things more objectively. ■ The wife will invariably begin to support the pastor in the leadership role of the home if the husband has a disagreement or does not follow the ways of the church. Take my word for it, most of the time unknowingly, UPC pastors… <answer was truncated> ■ One of the reasons we are happy is because we live for God the best we can and respect each other’s differences. Learning that it doesn't mean we'll always agree about everything. It's that I’ve grown to learn she doesn't think like me and vice versa. ■ We've dedicated our life to serving and loving children as foster parents. Over the past 10 years. We've fostered 16 children, one of which we've adopted. We have seen hurting lives healed by the power of God. ■ We take time to have a date night two or three times per month and communicate at that time. Family night happens every week without fail; it has been the foundation for good communication within our family. ■ We don't have traditional roles for husband and wife. We communicate very well. ■ Hubby is not attending church, we have big problems communicating, we argue, he refuses to get counseling, and we seldom connect physically or otherwise. On the other hand, there are good things too and it is slowly working out. ■ We are a family, we're learning and growing together. He is my best friend and sometimes my worst enemy, but I’ve found that as we learn and mature, he is always there for me. My husband has helped me so much through so many difficulties. Marriage is hard… ■ We are each other's best friends, we have no secrets from each other, we can talk to each other about anything! And we go to God if there is something we can't handle on our own. Everyone tells us we still act like newlyweds. ■ Due to my wife’s medical problems, we are stressed in our marriage. Due to foolishness of youth, money is a serious problem. ■ We both waited until God chose our mates rather than choosing ourselves, we are best friends and we are very compatible.
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