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July 7, 2003 Dear Gabby, I am a part of the most amazing friendship that I could ever imagine. It’s also much different that most friendships I've observed. The reason? I am a girl, and my best friend in the entire world is a guy. There are some who say that there can really never be a flawless relationship between two members of the opposite sex, because of the way “we are wired.” Granted, I've had to fight the urge to let romantic feelings fester more than once, and he says he has never felt anything of that nature for me. We attribute it to the emotional attachment that females tend to develop. What do you think, Gabby? Is it possible for a man and a woman to be true best friends without other feelings entering the picture, or will it consistently be a problem? I don't recall the Bible ever highlighting a friendship of this nature. Thanks! Miss Best Friend in Burbank
Dear Best Friend, My dear Harry, along with his six brothers and two sisters, was raised on a farm out in the country. The farmers and their families did a lot to help each other in those days and Harry’s family was no different. When it was time for planting and harvesting, branding and barn-raising, all the men accomplished the goal together. The women also worked—but they were in the house cooking up hearty meals for the tired and hungry crowd. The VanBurden’s closest and newest neighbors, the Garveys, were unlike most farm families because they had only one child. Eleanor was a year younger than Harry and, since she had no siblings, her dad needed her help with the farm work. Her mother handled the household responsibilities. When the Garveys joined the farm families for barn raisings and other farm work, Eleanor seemed to be out of place no matter where she tried to help. She was unfamiliar with the women’s work and the men weren’t used to having a female working among them—even if she had known what to do. Eleanor and Harry were in their mid teens when Harry first took her under his wing. (This was several years before Harry and I met each other.) The farmers and their families were helping the Tomazeskis with a barn-raising, and Harry saw Eleanor standing uncertainly near the edge of the yard, tools in hand. He called to her, inviting her to work next to him. (He always had a very tender heart.) The two of them worked side-by-side the rest of the day and, at dinnertime, they sat together to eat. That was the first of many days of working and eating together. After that, the two of them were always side-by-side at community events. When Harry and Eleanor were talking, other people were unnecessary to them. Both felt that the other was their closest confidant. They talked with each other about their plans and dreams for the future. They shared their struggles. They prayed together over tragedies. They laughed together over the foibles of the people they knew. And, of course, they worked together. They were the best of friends. Before long, everyone else was talking about how Harry and Eleanor were courting. Ladies asked Harry when he was going to make Eleanor a VanBurden. They asked Eleanor when she was going to bring Harry “up to scratch” so he’d marry her. People just assumed that there was more than friendship happening between the two of them. The only problem was that they didn’t love each other. I mean, they did love each other as friends, and they shared many wonderful times of chatting and working together, but they weren’t in love with each other. Eleanor had her eye on James Holmes. She told Harry all about her feelings for James and asked Harry for advice on how she could get James to notice her. Harry pondered the question for a while and then brought up the possibility that James hadn’t noticed her because James thought Eleanor “belonged” to Harry. Sure enough, when an occasion presented itself, and Harry mentioned Eleanor’s availability to James, the reaction was shock. James, who’d also been attracted to Eleanor, had determined to put her out of his mind before crossing over into his friend Harry’s “territory.” Harry told me later that it was a sad day when he and Eleanor made the mutual decision to step back from being best friends in order to lessen the confusion in other people’s minds. Although they personally didn’t feel any confusion, their friendship seemed to be confusing other people and they didn’t want their future to be challenged because of what they were doing with their present. So what happened after that? James did court Eleanor and they married, spending many happy years together on their own farm near Eleanor’s home place. And Harry found me. (What a day that was!) So what happened to their friendship? It changed from one of exclusivity to one that ultimately included their respective spouses—as well as others. The four of us spent many enjoyable evenings together, and eventually I grew to love Eleanor as a dear friend. I have to admit, though, that I did suffer from unChristian feelings of jealousy from time to time when she and Harry would start chuckling about the “old days.” I expect that James felt the same way. After all, Harry and Eleanor shared times together that didn’t include us. And that was difficult for me. So can a young man and a young lady successfully be best friends? Sometimes. It has to be handled differently from friendships with people of the same gender. The two of you need to keep your future spouses in mind and realize that at some point, you’ll have to step back from each other to make room for the development of the marriage relationship. After marriage, the only possible future for the male/female friendship will be one that always includes the spouses. If that’s not feasible, for one reason or another, the friendship will have to end. That’s the only other possibility for the sake of your future marriages. If you can work through that, as well as all the well-meaning comments and questions from your other friends and family, your friendship has a chance to survive. Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2003, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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