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January 5, 2004 Dear Gabby, I am a 20something young lady who has been attending a fairly well known and highly respected Apostolic church for the past several years. Before I go into my problem, I want to clarify that I love and respect this church, as well as my pastor, his wife, and all the leadership, not to mention that I've met plenty of wonderful people whom I've grown to love very much. Having said that, I cannot continue to ignore the problem that has plagued me since I've started attending there. Although I am actively involved in several ministries at my church and participate in a variety of activities, I don't feel like I belong. I've never been made to feel like I'm a part of my age group at my church. It's not that they are unfriendly. In fact, they are quite friendly. It's just that their friendliness only goes to a certain impersonal level. Granted, I know that there are different levels of friendship, but after six years, most of the time they seem like polite strangers and I still feel like the new girl. I'm not a very outgoing person. I’m shy and quiet, so it makes it especially hard to try to talk to people. I'm not using that as an excuse, but I feel like I'm overlooked because of that and wonder what it would take to get anyone to show an interest in me. In the beginning, I would go out to eat with my group after church quite often but have completely stopped in the past couple of years or so because I always feel like a fifth wheel. Most of these young adults have been attending this church for all of their lives so they know each other very well. They always seemed to converse among themselves, and I rarely felt included. Lately I've entertained thoughts of finding a new home church. The only thing keeping me there is my involvement in this church. So how do I confront an issue like this? I feel bad for feeling this way because they really are good people and it’s a good church. However, I know it's a problem because I'm not the only person who's felt this way. I've heard numerous accounts of people who didn't exactly feel welcomed when they'd visited and when I hear that, I hesitate to invite anyone to church because I don't want them to leave with a negative opinion of my church. I need advice about this because I made a friend recently who does not go to church and I would love to invite her sometime. What should I do? Left Out in Louisiana Dear Left Out, My cousin Ernest came home from the war with a Japanese bride. Suki was a darling girl, petite and energetic, and it was easy to see why Ernest was captivated by her. They moved into a small cottage on his father’s farm and settled into American life. We were very curious and excited about this new (and exotic!) addition to our family, but she spoke very little English in the beginning and it was difficult for us to communicate with each other. We resorted to smiles and gestures and hugs and small gifts. It was obvious to us all that, as much as she loved Ernest (they constantly smiled at each other and held hands when they didn’t think anyone was looking), she wasn’t very comfortable with the rest of the Walker family, but we were at a loss as how to fix things. A few years ago, shortly after Ernest died, Suki came by for a visit and we sat down with a cup of tea. In the midst of our conversation, the subject of her joining our family came up. “It was very hard for me when I first came here, Gabby,” Suki said, in her charming accent. “Well, I can imagine a small farming community in the middle of America was quite a change from Tokyo, Japan. Our other cousin Charles had a hard time transitioning from Chicago and that’s only a few hours’ drive from here!” “It was very different, that’s true,” she answered. “But that’s not why it was so hard.” “Was it the food? Was Ernest annoying? Was it the language?” “Ernest was always wonderful,” she said, and we both paused for a moment to remember him. Then she began again. “There were very many changes, that’s for sure. But what was hardest was that I wanted to be a true part of the Walker family. I knew I was legally a Walker because I had the new last name on the marriage certificate. But the Walkers are very close, Gabby,” she said. “You have traditions and history that I didn’t know or understand. I felt very left out.” “Well, we had no idea how to make it better,” I answered. “Oh, I know,” she answered quickly. “Everyone was so kind. But I felt like I was just pretending to be a Walker instead of really being one.” “You don’t still feel that way, do you?” I was shocked that she could be married to Ernest for several decades and still feel like she didn’t belong. “Oh, no, Gabby,” she laughed. “Not now. Not for many, many years. I’m more Walker than some of you now!” I chuckled along with her, thinking of how I’d changed into a VanBurden after 52 ½ years of marriage to my dear Harry. “When did things get better for you?” I was really curious since I’d considered Suki my cousin from the very first day Ernest introduced her to us. I was surprised to hear that she didn’t feel it. “During Dewey’s birth, when you and your mom and my mother-in-law and sister-in-law were all there helping me, I realized that you all loved me.” “Of course we did!” “But I felt it for real that night, and in the months following. I mean, little Dewey was definitely a Walker because he was part of Ernest, but at the same time, he wouldn’t have been there if it weren’t for me. It was then that I realized that I was also a true Walker myself. And, of course, I’ve become more and more a part of the family since then. Having my first child was what made the difference.” Miss Left Out, I immediately thought of Suki when I received your letter. I believe that her experience could help you in your difficulties with your church. Of course you feel like a newcomer compared to the people who were born and raised at that church. But if you were baptized, you have the same spiritual name as they do. So, how do you begin to feel like a real member of the church family? By giving birth. When you become a soul winner and begin to bring spiritual babies into the church, that missing link will be filled. Those new spiritual babies will be there because of you, and at that point, you can settle in and be the mature Apostolic young woman God intended for you to be. Go ahead and invite your friends. Teach them Bible studies. Introduce them to the God of eternity. Be the reason they’re born into the family of God. Then, in the midst of the nurturing and supporting of the new baby Christians, when you get a chance to catch your breath and consider your feelings, you’ll realize that you really, truly feel like you belong. I guarantee it! Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2004, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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