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January 19, 2004 Dear Gabby, I have a question I've been struggling with for some time. Someone once said that if a person finds only one true friend in his or her lifetime, then that person is truly blessed. Well, I guess I am doubly blessed because I have two people as my true friends. Friend One has very little in common with me as far as life circumstances, but we think alike and therefore hit it off fabulously as soon as we met. We have done a lot of spiritual maturing together, and she has been invaluable as far as encouraging me in my walk with God. Although we both believe in the Oneness, holiness and the Acts 2 message (the basics of our doctrine), we don't agree on a lot of “church” issues (some important, some unimportant), but we “agree to disagree” and have done so quite peaceably. I believe the main thing is that she loves God, is dedicated to bettering herself spiritually, and I am a better person for being her friend. Friend Two struggles spiritually, to put it mildly. She has a worldly boyfriend and a carnal outlook. I make it clear that I don't approve of some of her behavior and offer friendly advice. Sometimes she takes it, sometimes she doesn't, but she admits most of the time that she knows I'm right. I don't judge her or quit being her friend for doing wrong things, though. Unlike Friend One, she doesn't live here locally, so I don't face the issue of hanging out with her on a regular basis and possibly being influenced by her to do wrong things. To her credit, however, when we visit each other, she makes sure not to pressure me in any way to do things I know aren't right. She's trying to do better, but from my perspective, progress is slow, mainly (I think) due to a lack of motivation. Here's where the problem comes in—Friend One attends a church that my home church is discouraged from fellowshipping with. In fact, my pastor preached an entire series of sermons against “rubbing shoulders” with people he considers “worldly.” His reasoning was that those who don't believe the same way we do might influence us instead of the other way around. On the other hand, Friend Two is from a church that is an approved church to fellowship with, even though her character is not the best. How ironic is that? The truth is, I feel guilty being friends with Friend One, so much so that we even tried to break off our friendship once. (That didn't last very long.) I'm pretty sure, based on the sermons my pastor preached, that if I talked with him on this subject, he'll tell me I need to do that for good. He'll only look at what church she attends, not what kind of person she is. (I'm pretty sure about this because he discouraged me from dating a great guy from another unapproved church.) But how do I quit caring about a person, Gabby? Is there any such thing as “breaking off a friendship”? Especially when doing so would be a huge, unnecessary loss? I used to be part of a huge youth group, but now they are all married, and I don't have any single friends left except these two who both attend different churches. I am the type of person who needs to have friends. I think it's grossly unfair that I am allowed to be friends with one girl and not another simply because of the churches they were raised in. Yet, I don't want to be disobedient to my pastor, a true man of God, even though I don't agree with him all the time. What should I do? Torn in Tennessee Dear Torn, Not only did my little brother Stanley have a perpetually runny nose when he was small, he was also an exasperating tattletale. It didn’t seem to matter what Susannah or I did, little Stanley’s eyes were always darting around, looking for misconduct so he could run to our Mama to tell her all about it. I have to tell you it was very, very annoying. I couldn’t pilfer a cookie before dinner or lift my skirt above my ankle to keep it from dragging in the mud without little Stanley reporting it to Mama. Once, the year before I got married, Stanley even caught my dear Harry stealing a kiss from me under the maple tree in the back yard at sundown. It was a very nice moment between the two of us, at least until we heard a rustling above our heads and realized that Stanley was in the tree, spying. That time, we waited until he shimmied down the tree and Harry had a bit of a man-to-man talk with him before unhanding him. For some reason, Mama didn’t come chat with me that time like she usually did. You see, Stanley’s tattling got results. Invariably, after an incident, my wise Mama would come into my room before I slept to chat with me about pilfering or immodesty or whatever my latest transgression was. And I’d reply meekly to my Mama that I’d “do better.” What’s interesting is that Stanley was never around when Mama and I’d have these chats. She always took care of it privately, away from his inquisitive and self-righteous ears. And he continued to tattle to what he knew was a higher authority than himself. So what does Stanley’s tattling have to do with you and your friends and your pastor and your churches? If I were in your shoes, they’d look a lot like Stanley’s scuffed-up ones with the shoestring trailing behind as I headed to the Lord to tell him about this difficult and confusing situation. God knows the right from the wrong. He is the authority over all the people and churches involved and, who knows? Maybe he’ll go chat with the pastors involved and things will be changed just because you talked to the Lord about things. I’d also “tattle” one other place—to my pastor. I know you think you know exactly what he’d say, but you never know for sure until you actually have the conversation. I’d tell him everything you told me—or even give him a copy of this column to read. Whatever you choose, be sure to talk to the ultimate authority (God) first and the secondary authority (your pastor) afterwards. God is pleased with obedience and He’s sure to bless that obedience in amazing ways. Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2004, ninetyandnine.com --------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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