February 2, 2004 - Pentecostal Bloopers, Take 2

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Pentecostal Bloopers, Take 2
Compiled by the staff of ninetyandnine.com
February 2, 2004

Back by popular demand! The best and the worst of slip-ups, flub-ups and embarrassing moments that happen during the most sacred time of the week: church. We asked our readers to again share the best bloopers they’ve lived to tell about. A few stories seem eerily similar; we would be wise to think they were “Urban Legend” Pentecostal bloopers had we not seen some of these happen ourselves in our own churches. Take for instance a blooper submitted by K. D. from the Philippines: “Stated before a friend sang a special: ‘Worship me as I sing ...’” But regardless of a few similar stories, most of these are too bizarre and hilarious to be anything but the truth.

And, as we’ve found, Pentecostal bloopers aren’t limited inside the four walls of the church. S. K. of Georgia shares, “My wife pulled a Pentecostal blooper at home Saturday night, though. She baked six coconut pies for a church bake sale, and disposed of all 36 eggshells ... down the disposal! Needless to say, I had to put all new pipes under the kitchen sink, as our poor system was 100 percent blocked. Perhaps we need a marriage blooper piece.” Perhaps!

In the meantime, enjoy these church bloopers and remember, “a merry heart doeth good like a medicine: but a broken spirit drieth the bones” (Proverbs 17:22).

Warning: A few bloopers (marked “PG-13”) included in this round are borderline inappropriate, but we think they’re too funny to leave out. Just use caution when sharing this with younger audiences.

Shoutin’
“We've all heard of shaking our hair down at the altar. A friend of mine had been fasting and found out that her clothes had become a little too loose when she accidentally shook her slip down at the altar. When she noticed it, she mustered up all the finesse she could as she stepped out of it, reached down and grabbed it, stuffed it into her pocket and went right on worshipping!”

L. S., Illinois

“At a revival service, a visiting choir was singing. The choir director is/was very animated and was really getting his Apostolic groove going. He hopped up on a chair (big mistake), slipped and fell on his back. Undaunted, he kept on directing from his back—waving hands and everything.”

T. V., Wisconsin

Lyrical
“We taught our children not to say bad words — like ‘stupid,’ ‘dummy,’ ‘shut up,’ etc. So of course, our youngest wasn't going to sing those bad words everyone else was singing in that chorus at church: ‘It feels like fire hush up in my bones/ Fire hush up in my bones!’”

K. D., Indiana

“Instead of ‘More Abundantly,’ we sang ‘More A Bumble-Bee.’ Instead of ‘I'll Live On,’ we sang ‘Olive Oil, yes Olive Oil.’”

S. V., Ohio

Can I Get a Witness?
“One of the little old ladies in our church had prayed for her husband to be saved for many years and we were in the middle of a red-hot revival. Sure enough he came to church, went to the altar, and got the Holy Ghost. The next night during testimony service she had to stand and thank the Lord for His saving power! Her testimony started off ... ‘Pastor, I want to thank the Lord. I slept with a new man last night!’”

E. M., Louisiana

“Once we had a preacher at our church, who was an avid sports enthusiast, preach from the pulpit. Instead of saying ‘Holy Ghost,’ he accidentally stated ‘Goalie Host.’ He still gets ribbed about it today.”

D., Indiana

Hair
“It was a rainy day and our church was going to a youth rally. All the girls had their hair in the Pentecostal hairdos. We pulled up to the church and all of us grabbed our umbrellas. We were walking into the church and my hair got stuck in the umbrella and it totally tore my hair up! It was really embarrassing.”

A. G., Arkansas

Rated PG-13
“My old pastor, now gone to meet his reward, was very adamant about holiness issues. One night he got a little carried away on the subject of women's wigs. His words from the pulpit were: ‘Bless God, some women got more hair in their drawers than on their heads.’ He was of course referring to their chest of drawers. Yes, this really happened.”

J. W., Louisiana

“Our pastor once said during a New Year's Eve service, "We're doing a Rear End Review ...”

K. D., Philippines

“After the church installed a new aerobic septic system paid for by the local ladies group, our pastor stood up and said, ‘We'd like to thank the ladies for our septic system and all they've put into it.’"

J. L., Louisiana

“A guy from a nearby church was preaching overseas and getting really fired up and said, ‘Let everything that has breasts praise the Lord!’”

N. G., Australia

“The time a lady slipped out of the sanctuary just as prayer for the special prayer requests had begun. When she returned, the prayers had all been said and everyone was already seated. The lady waltzed her way up the aisle to her pew near the front. Unfortunately she was unaware that, when she pulled up her pantyhose after using the restroom, she had also tucked in (and tucked up) her slip and her skirt. (Uh, Pastor, we have one more prayer request...)”

K. D., Philippines

“One time at a youth camp, we were doing theater sports with the story of David and Goliath. It had to be done in Kung Fu style. David said to Goliath, ‘Now, I'm going to be really nice to you. Which one of these five stones would you like me to kill you with?’ Goliath, quick as anything, replied, ‘You can stick those five stones where the sun don't shine!’ Afterwards, the guy in question was confronted by the superintendent’s wife asking, ‘Where, exactly, does the sun not shine?’ He replied, ‘Why, up your nose of course!’”

N. G., Australia

Tottering Teeth
“Once my late grandfather lost his false teeth while in the middle of a sermon. He quickly scooped them back up and stuffed them back in. Very few even noticed.”

S. V., Ohio

“A visiting evangelist was preaching, Apostolic style, and his false teeth came shooting out of his mouth. Without missing a beat, he bent over, picked them up, and stuck them back in his mouth. Yuck.”

T. V., Wisconsin

Asleep On The Job
“Several years ago, my brother worked third shift. Since he ran our sound room, he would sit on the floor and take a catnap during preaching to help him get through work on Sunday night. One Sunday night, our pastor was really getting into his sermon about 'The Blood Stained Banner' including props—a handkerchief that he had smeared with red ink. All of a sudden this deep, disturbing sound came from the sound room . . . my brother was snoring, LOUDLY. Throughout the congregation, people are snickering and trying to figure out what the sound was. Pastor, who had draped his ink stained hankie over his head (to signify being covered by the blood) and who happens to be deaf in one ear, only saw people laughing and failed to hear my brother snoring. Thinking he had that red ink all over his head, he stopped in the middle of his message and said, ‘I want everyone to stand right now, so we can rebuke the spirit of silliness!’ Of course, everyone stood but those near the sound room couldn’t help but giggle when one of the men went back to the sound room and said, ‘Brother Tommy, Brother Tommy, you have to wake up!’ My brother hasn’t worked third shift since.”

T. S., Ohio

Platform Pratfalls
“A female soloist was walking up the step to the pulpit and her high heel got caught in the hem of her ankle-length dress. Ouch!”

T. V., Wisconsin

“I watched in horror once as a friend tripped her way up (and down) the platform steps as she made her way to the pulpit before singing a special in front of the large church audience.”

K. D., Philippines

“A male soloist was walking down the step after singing and slipped. He fell into the drum set that was arranged at the bottom of the step. Crash!”

T. V., Wisconsin

“One time I was walking up to the choir loft when it was time for the choir to sing and someone stepped on the back of my shoe and it came right off! I thought I would just leave it there till choir was over and step back into it on the way down, but things couldn’t have gone that easily. Someone picked up my shoe on their way down, and threw it on the pew, so I had to go over, and get my shoe and by now everyone knew what had happened.”

C. M., Ohio

Gutsey Kids

“A three year-old was the miniature bride in a wedding one hot August day. She couldn't take the sweat any longer, standing up there in front of all those people, so she bent down, grabbed the hem of her beautiful dress and wiped her entire sweet little angelic face with it. Ah! Much better!”

K. D., Philippines

“During Sunday school the teacher said Jesus had a cousin. Did anyone know his name? “I do!” said my five year-old. “What is it?” asked the teacher. “Zorro!” said my child. What do they teach our kids these days?

N.C., Missouri

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