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Print Dear Gabby, I’m a twenty-something single young woman and I’m greatly involved in almost every ministry of my church. I was in a very serious relationship a few years ago and we had made plans to get married. A messy break-up left me devastated. I was head over heels for this guy! Most of the time I believe that God put a stop to the relationship as a way to bring me closer to Him. However, my positive outlook has now faded as it seems that everyone around me is seriously dating someone or has already gotten married, leaving me all alone. I recently sat down and made a list of the qualities I want in a future husband. I have prayed over this list along with many friends and my youth leader. Since then, a few guys have come along and have been interested, but the spark just wasn’t there like it was with the first guy. Some of my friends tell me that I’m too picky and that I should settle for one of these “nice guys.” Then there are others who tell me that God will give me better than before and I should wait for the “fireworks” I once had. All this advice from loving people just leaves me confused and still loveless. Will God provide better than before…not in just the person, but in the feeling of love and romance, too? Or am I holding on to a fairy tale dream that may not come true? Loveless in Los Angeles Dear Ms. Loveless, When my darling brown-eyed daughter Kristy turned 16, she was very excited to get her driver’s license. I have to admit that I was ready too, since it was more and more of a challenge to drive her to the school and youth group activities with my arthritic knees. (You may remember that Kristy came to me as a five year-old, several years after my dear Harry died. She became an official VanBurden on my 74th birthday!) In the months before her birthday, she constantly talked about the car she was hoping I’d buy her. Several of her friends, including Stephanie, her best friend from high school, were getting brand-new sports cars for their 16th birthdays. Naturally, Kristy hoped that her own mama would surprise her with a fancy car too, even if her Mama was several generations older than her friends’ parents. “I want a little two-door convertible, Mama” Kristy informed me, her brown eyes sparkling. “I know that they’re a bit more expensive than regular cars, but I’ll look so cool driving it, don’t you think? Everyone will see the wind blowing through my hair and I’ll look back at them through my sunglasses. That’ll be really cool, huh?” I had a bit of a coughing spell at that point—which usually worked when the conversation went in a direction that I didn’t want to deal with at the moment. “…Are you okay, Mama?” (It worked that time, too.) Later she brought up the subject again. “Mama, can you find me a red convertible when you find my car?” “Kristy, Kristy,” I said to her with a smile, “Who says you’re getting a car at all? I was thinking more along the lines of buying you a nice new flannel nightgown and some fuzzy slippers for your birthday. After all, this is an important milestone in your life.” “Mama…” She said, rolling her eyes. Then she laughed and hugged me. “I know you want me to have a car because you don’t want me to drive Buttercup Baby. Can you see me trying to find a parking place at the high school for that big yellow 1953 Mercury Montclair? Of course it is a convertible. Maybe that won’t be so bad after all…” We both knew she was getting a car for her birthday. The only question was what kind it would be. I arranged a visit with our town’s mechanic, Mr. Scotty Lindahl, grandson of Mr. Skip Lindahl—who’d opened the shop about the time Model Ts were becoming commonplace. I figured if anyone knew about cars, it’d be one of the Lindahl boys. Mr. Scotty not only gave me advice, he actually helped me to find the right car for my darling Kristy. Unfortunately (at least from Kristy’s point of view), I didn’t buy a convertible. Her birthday car wasn’t little. It wasn’t new. And it wasn’t red. On her 16th birthday, she came home from school to see an unfamiliar car in the driveway. It was a used, mid-sized, four-door, blue car, and, with the big red bow on the windshield, there was no mistaking that it was hers. Although she was sweet in her thanks to me, as she hugged me, I knew there was a bit of disappointment mixed in with the excitement. She was thrilled to have a car of her own, but, compared to the ones her friends had received, it left a lot to be desired—at least in the eyes of the crowd of 16 year-olds. But I haven’t lived almost a century without collecting at least some wisdom. Kristy is still driving that car, christened “Ol’ Blue,” ten years later. Ol’ Blue took her back and forth to high school for two more years and to all the youth group events. It took her across the country to college for four years. Although she rode in Buttercup Baby to her wedding, Ol’ Blue went with her into her marriage and became her family car. My adorable little grandson even came home from the hospital in it! Ol’ Blue has started every single morning, no matter how cold it’s gotten over the night. The four doors are a convenience now that Kristy and her husband have become parents for the first time. It’s been dinged up a bit over the years, but because it was built so solidly, it’s continued to be a faithful form of transportation. Kristy adores that car now. It was different for Kristy’s friends. They were all so proud of their fancy cars in the beginning but only one of those cars survived more than a couple of years. All the drivers were new and one after the other, the teenagers were involved in accidents that totaled their cars. (One girl even died in the accident she had!) The only car that has survived as long as Kristy’s is the one that belonged to her friend, Stephanie. But, from what I understand, she seldom drives it. It’s too small to fit her family of three. The convertible top leaks in the rain (and they live in Seattle). So basically, the car takes up space in their garage, still pretty, but not very usable. Kristy’s desire for a specific type of car reminds me of you and your search for a specific type of husband, Ms. Loveless. Just like I learned about what type of car was best for Kristy—even though she begged me for something else—God knows what’s best for you. The “extras” that other people look at are much less important than finding a young man who will be faithful to God and to you. What you really need (and you’ll realize this a few years after you get married) is a man who loves you through the good times and the bad, every single day. Most people don’t know that my dear Harry wasn’t my first choice. I had my heart set on someone else. I thought the other young man was perfect for me and, goodness gracious, my heart went aflutter when I was in the same vicinity as him. But God knew much more than I did. God had chosen Harry as the man for me. I knew Harry socially, but wasn’t interested in him as a beau. Needless to say, after many twists and turns, we married. I discovered that Harry was, indeed, the very best of the best. And, let me tell you that, even though I wouldn’t have guessed it, the two of us enjoyed plenty of fireworks during our 52˝ years together. May I suggest that you be open to God’s plan for you instead of holding so tightly to your preconceived ideas? God will choose a wonderful young man to be your husband. He’ll be exactly right for you. Then, many years later, when the marriages of others are wrecked, you can look at your man—the one God created for you—and be thankful that your marriage is still going strong. Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2004, ninetyandnine.com ---------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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