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Print By T.J. Clayton There is a minority out there. They are overlooked and are many times taken for granted. They are neither black nor white, nor any other ethnic group, for this minority supersedes the boundaries of race. They are not necessarily poor or rich. In fact, they are neither male nor female. They are quality people—people of both sexes. Contrary to popular belief there exists a male prototype that contains the characteristics and values that the quality woman is looking for. That man is not perfect, but he is striving to be. He recognizes his imperfections but does not make his bed in the house of failures. He falls yet is extremely resilient. He feels misunderstood. And to be understood, he feels at times that he must conform to the social (or religious) mold of what men are and not what they should be. He is independent yet hungers for approval. He can live without a female companion, but chooses not to, as one may be able to live without eating healthy, but chooses otherwise. Having a good companion makes him a better person, just as eating healthy creates a better life. This man exists. I do not claim to be that man, but I know him. I want to be him. Here he is.
Quality Man: What He Is The story goes that the Oracle of Delphi told Socrates that he was “the wisest man ever” because he knew one thing, and that was that he did not know anything. A quality man should not know nothing but knows what he does not know. Let me clarify—the quality man knows his limitations. A quality man knows certain skills (i.e. fixing toasters, balancing checkbooks in his head, or simply debate those skills among yourselves), however, he knows at the same time that he does not have certain skills. For example, guys, it does not hurt to admit that you do not know how to fix a weed eater or get from Bangor, Maine to Los Angeles without once stopping and asking for directions. A quality man knows his shortcomings. He would rather let down his pride now, and save money and embarrassment later. I remember sitting in Bro. Anthony Mangun’s office one day and I’ll never forget what he, arguably the most popular pastor in Apostolic realms, told me. He said, “TJ, I’m not afraid to go places and be known as Mickey Mangun’s husband.” What he was telling me is that he understands that within apostolic ranks, he is well known, but he does not mind being identified by whom he is married to. I found this extremely enlightening and humbling. The quality man is rational. He does not take risks that would endanger himself or his family simply to satisfy his manly hubris. He’s strong and weak. He maintains an aura of infinite resignation in public, but he knows when to let down his guard in private. He is both callous and gentle. He can (and will) cry when the load becomes too heavy. He will seek God for wisdom in areas where he simply does not have the answer. He will take the advice of his wife, but will, with prudence, do what he feels is right in his heart. He stands with one foot on the bank of reality and the other on the bank of ideality and tries to bring the two together. God is his first commitment. Family is his second. Nothing comes before these two. I can remember times when my grandfather – who is also my pastor- would tell saints after church to call him and make an appointment because Sunday’s, after church, was his time to spend with his family. We always ate as a family, and he was there to make sure we did. He never allowed us to go out with friends on Sundays and now, at the ripe age of twenty-two, I appreciate that. He is humble and proud. He knows he does not deserve his good career or his beautiful wife, but he takes pride in what he has worked for and what he has become. He takes pride in his family.
Quality Man: What He is Not He is not irresponsible. He takes care of the mistakes he creates. I recently gave a copy of Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein to a friend for Christmas. Every man should read it. It reveals the struggle between taking responsibility for our actions or opting out like little children and pushing aside our mistakes. Admit when you are wrong, but also go a step further—correct your mistakes. Too many times men substitute confession for correction, but true reconciliation requires restitution for your actions. The quality man is not lazy. He is goal oriented. He always strives for better, which can only come after he recognizes room for improvement. He is never satisfied with the man he is. He may not have a college degree, but it does help! He is not selfish, he is selfless. He would lay down his life for God first, then for his family. He knows how to treat a woman. A quality man treats a quality woman like a queen. It is as though she is the only person in the room. He will wake up in the middle of the night when she wants to talk about how the girl in the cubicle next to her at work has been driving her crazy.
How to Get to His, um…Heart. Contrary to popular belief, we do have hearts. And there is a way, separate from our stomachs, to reach it. There are qualities of God that are reflected in man. I mean, we were created in the image of God. We were created with some of the aspects of God in us. First, we need to be told we are doing a good job. It’s in our nature. God desires worship, which is simply affirmation. We desire to be affirmed. The number one fear of a quality man is to not be what his wife and family expect of him. We need to be told we are living up to your standards, quality woman! Tell us we are doing a great job. Second, make us feel like we are the only man alive. God is a jealous God, we are also jealous beings. Insecurity is not the same as jealousy. We are secure, but we want to know that you only have eyes for us! Third, quality woman, you must trust us. Now I can get onto the guys about having to earn your trust, but that’s another article. If the quality man hasn’t given a reason not to trust him, then please do. Fourth, let him be him. You married him, not your daddy. He’s not going to do things exactly like daddy did it. And never say, “That’s not how my father did it.” That’s the quickest way away from a man’s heart. Last, let him make the final decision. This isn’t chauvinistic, it’s the Bible. I agree that a man who has not proved himself worthy of this task should not be allowed to operate in this capacity, but then, the quality woman wouldn’t be with a man who didn’t prove himself thus worthy. I’m sure this list could be more fully exhausted but these are things that I have gathered from my experiences and my talks with ladies all across our fellowship. Again, I do not claim to be this man. This is the man I want to be. This is the man I strive to be. This is the man that I was never told about by my predecessors. This is the man that the quality woman deserves.
ninetyandnine.com © 2005, T.J. Clayton ----- T.J. Clayton is a 21-year-old college student who enjoys reading and drinking coffee. He is majoring in philosophy, and always anticipates the following question, “What are you going to do with a philosophy degree?” Two words: law school.
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