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Print Dear Gabby, Your column provides such insight that it is a must read. Now, I am in a bit of a quandary and I am hoping you can provide some insight or a different perspective. I recently turned 40 and I have never been married. If I live to the average age of 72, then more than 50 percent of my life is already gone. I dated during my late teens and 20’s; then I went to a Singles Seminar that had the same theme as Joshua Harris’ book, I Kissed Dating Goodbye. The speaker said that the western concept of dating was a fairly recent invention, and we should leave finding a mate in God’s hands. What he said made sense to me, so I stopped dating altogether. Now it’s well over a decade later and I am no closer to having a life mate than before. My question is: how much effort should I put into finding a mate? What about joining Christian dating sites or eHarmony.com? I have not met anyone at church or work or through friends to marry. I have not met anyone through volunteer activities to marry. I have not met anyone at the grocery store to marry. I have not met anyone at social events or at singles events (potlucks, Halloween alternatives, seminars, etc.) to marry. I see people all around me getting married. Are all of them so much better than I that they “deserve” to get married? Did they do something to “earn” getting blessed by God with a wonderful spouse and I did not? I also see some people getting married for a second and third time and I still have not even been married once. There are so many things I want to do, but I want to do them with that someone special. I want to ride the Orient Express train from London to Moscow to Hong Kong — with that someone special. I want to go to one of the fruit orchards where you can pick your own fruit — with that someone special. I want to go for Sunday afternoon rides in the country — with that someone special. I want to come home and share the exciting news I heard today — with that someone special. I want to go strolling hand-in-hand through a local festival, sampling different foods and looking at the unusual artwork — with that someone special. I want to go explore a new city and get lost and find some little out-of-way, hole-in-the-wall cafe that we will recall in our memories as “our special place” — with that someone special. I want to have a song that becomes “our song” — with that someone special. I want that someone special. I thought I was supposed to not actively seek someone out so that God would bring the right person in my life. Should I take a more active role? What is an acceptable level of effort and what is too much? Any ideas would be appreciated. Sincerely, Someone Special in Southern California Dear Someone, Our town had potlucks to celebrate every occasion – from holidays and elections to weddings and funerals. If there was a reason to gather together, everyone knew they’d be hearing from the town’s organizer, Gertrude Gibbons, to be assigned a main dish and a vegetable or dessert to bring along. Most of us enjoyed the opportunity to sample each other’s cooking. Most of us, that is, except for Stanley’s silly wife Shirley. For one thing, Shirley never wanted to get in the food line and wait her turn to serve herself some of the feast. “I hate to stand in lines,” she’d say, plaintively to my brother Stanley. “You get me something, okay, sweetheart?” And there he’d be, balancing two plates, serving his wife. I must admit that the whole thing always annoyed me. The other thing that annoyed me was Shirley’s complaining after Stanley would finally present her with a sampling of every dish. “What’s in this?” she’d ask, pointing at a lovely meatloaf with her fork. “Do you think it has onions in it? I don’t like onions.” “Where’s the butter for the cornbread?” she’d ask. “It’s probably dry.” She’d also complain that the green beans weren’t done enough, or too done, or were probably too salty (even though she hadn’t tasted them). Then the desserts were too sweet or too crunchy or too something. (Now that I’m remembering all the times I got annoyed with Shirley at the potlucks, I’m thinking that, maybe the word “annoyed” isn’t strong enough. It certainly doesn’t completely describe my urge to dump her plate into her lap every time she’d start on one of her complaining rants.) Ms. Someone, although you sound like you’re a really nice young woman, I have to admit that I was reminded of Stanley’s Shirley when I read your letter. You ask about how much effort you should put into finding that special someone? My answer is that you should put as much effort into it as it takes to get what you want. Shirley obviously wanted very specific foods, but wasn’t willing to make the effort to serve herself. Of course, you need to keep God in the process by following biblical principles, and by prayer, fasting and listening to godly council, but you certainly won’t find what you’re wanting by sitting back and passively waiting for it to happen. I also wouldn’t wait until you have a young man to do some of those fun things you’re dreaming of doing. Who knows if you’ll meet the man of your dreams while you’re out there riding the Orient Express, picking fruit, or eating at that out-of-the-way, hole-in-the-wall café? Lives spent waiting are wasted lives. You may be interested in the experiences of my dear Harry’s niece Edna. She was also single for the first four decades of her life. I wrote about her in a column that was published on January 1, 2001. Meanwhile, stop waiting for your life (and your man) to be served to you while you sit back wondering why everyone else has what you want. Instead, actively serve yourself. And, don’t have preconceived notions on what (or who) is right for you. If Stanley’s silly wife Shirley had just been brave enough to taste the meat loaf or the green beans, she might have found her new favorite food. Sincerely Sincere, Gabby
ninetyandnine.com © 2005, ninetyandnine.com ---------- Gabrigail VanBurden has been offering advice for longer than most of you have been alive. Email your practical Apostolic life questions to Gabby@ninetyandnine.com and be prepared for some straight answers! |
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