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Pentecostal Divorce: My New Reality
By Jody Becker Well, it happened to me. The one thing that “would never happen to me—the “D-word.” You know what I mean, don’t you? Well maybe if I whisper it, it won’t sound so bad…ready? “ Divorce.” *GULP* Still sounds absolutely awful. The upheaval that has become my life quite honestly began years before with a few angry words, an unresolved conflict, a misunderstanding, and a mutual lack of respect for each other. The loneliness, the bitterness, and the anger grew. Of course, it wasn’t until a few months ago when we uttered that dreaded word that I realized how far we had come. I would like to say that it is all his fault. It would be much easier to blame him for everything. But unfortunately, it takes two to build a relationship, and it takes two to destroy it. And as much as I was tempted to, I couldn’t blame God either. The lack of commitment in my relationship with my husband mirrored the lack of my commitment to God, as well. He didn’t have anything to do with the mess we had made for ourselves. Ex-Friends, True Christians And then there was the embarrassment of it all. As ashamed as I am to admit it, I was so worried about what all my friends would think. Would they berate me for my failure? Shun me because of my marital status? What would these people do who I considered my friends when they heard that we were getting divorced? How would my perfectly maintained and manicured Pentecostal image withstand this one? The façade that I had built for myself and my family crumbled, and it was humbling and freeing at the same time. Yes, there were those who gossiped. Some were backbiting, and even one who began to date my husband before we were officially divorced. And, yes, that hurt—a deep and painful hurt in the pit of my stomach that I had never felt before. Yet the ones who showed me true friendship far outnumbered those who took pleasure in my pain. Most did what good godly people do—they picked me up. They encouraged me. They prayed for me and with me. They left their cell phones on in the middle of the night so I could call when the loneliness got too much to bear. They helped me pack, and held me when I had to put my wedding album in that cardboard box. They showed me God’s love. Except It Got Worse And then, as I started to feel a little bit better and felt almost strong enough to stand on my own again, I slipped further than I had ever been. The despair was unbearable—no one could help. A late night phone call wouldn’t help. Sincere words of encouragement seemed trite and unrealistic. One night, I lost all of my dignity and all of my common sense—I called my ex-husband and yelled, screamed, and threw a decent-sized tantrum, blaming him for absolutely everything (and I’m fairly certain that he had nothing to do with the Iran-Contra scandal). After that, I realized that no matter what I said or did, I couldn’t fix it. I couldn’t make it better. It seemed as if no one could. I stared at my cell phone, going through my contacts and wondering who I could call at this time of the night. Then the realization pulsed through my entire being. I didn’t need to make another phone call. A phone call would do no good. The only one I needed to talk to was already there in that room with me, wanting to hold me and comfort me, and wanting me to know that He had always been there. I was in a place where I had never felt more alone, and suddenly I knew that I was never alone. Christ The Comforter Jesus came into this world to feel every single hurt mankind could bestow on each other, just so He could understand how I was feeling one lonely night 2,000 years after He had robed Himself in flesh and died for each one of our sins. He reminded me that night to cast my burdens upon Him and He would sustain me (Psalm 55:22), to trust Him with all of my heart (Proverbs 3:5), and to realize that that He would never leave me nor forsake me (Hebrews 13:5). And it made all the difference in the world. All through my marriage, I hadn’t lost my religion. But I had lost my relationship with God. I had become entirely too self-sufficient. Relying on my own wisdom (which honestly doesn’t exist) to fix things and make it right. I thought I didn’t need anyone. The difference between Jesus and my ex-husband is that there is no divorce from Him. No final words and good-byes with Jesus. Although I have been terrible to Him, He is still there for me. He loves me for who I am, and what He still sees that I can be. He has not given up on me. The enormous amount of grace and absolute patience He has shown me astounds me and humbles me. I never knew what it meant to rely entirely on the Lord, but now I do. I don’t have all the answers, I know I never will. Yet I do have hope and a promise from the Lord. Some days are worse than others are, but He is still there. ninetyandnine.com
© 2006, Jody Becker ------- Jody Becker lives in Tavares, Florida, with her 3-year-old, Evelyn, who wants to be a “princess when she grows up.” Jody is learning to trust in God and lean on Him every day. She is also learning to use a hammer and hang her own picture frames. Of course, her dad came over and re-hung them (it’s amazing the difference a level makes!).
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