By Jaime Gibbs
June 26, 2006

A wife returns to church for the first time after her husband’s death and wonders if she can bear to sit alone in “their pew.” Children sing in the Christmas program and realize that their father will not be there this year to smile proudly as they perform. A husband considers whether or not to rejoin the choir after his wife’s death. An elderly couple is no longer sitting on their pew every week. She now sits at his bedside in the nursing home waiting while the Alzheimer’s slowly robs her of her life partner. These scenarios are played out in churches and congregations across the country. The pain is sometimes manageable. The notion of how to respond is more challenging.

Despite the number of aging Americans, most don't want to think or talk about how to die. There are now 40 million elderly people in the United States. In the next 30 years, with the aging of the baby boomers, that number will double. One third of those 80 million deaths will involve a chronic illness of some sort, all of which will require decisions.

According to a national survey taken by the National Hospice Federation in April 1999, Americans are more likely to talk to their children about drugs and sex than about how they want to die. Discussion of death and dying is nonexistent in most churches. We are inhibited in raising the subject in conversations, sermons, small groups, and other areas.

According to a study by Dr. Richard D. Dobbins, it is important to understand that death and dying are:

Real—Life has two terminal points, birth and death, and if we are going to prepare for death and dying realistically, we must acknowledge that just as there was a time when we came into this world, there will be a time when we leave this world.

Inevitable—Somewhere between the morbidity that some people have and being preoccupied with the whole process of death and dying (and the hysteria that some people have of never wanting to talk about death and dying), there is a good, wholesome reality where we realize death and dying are part of living.

Personal—It is not easy to see death as personal. We know that we will die someday, but we have an uncanny ability of seeing it happening to everyone but us.

Providential—Death is providential, which simply means that God is in charge of it. He was in charge of our birth. Realizing that He is in charge of our death lessens the anxiety of dying. The Psalmist said, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me” (Psalm 23:4).

Not Terminal—Believers are looking forward to the coming of the Lord. It is a biblical event that Paul refers to: “For the Lord himself shall descend from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel, and with the trump of God: and the dead in Christ shall rise first: Then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds, to meet the Lord in the air: and so shall we ever be with the Lord” (1 Thessalonians 4:16-17). So, death is not terminal for the child of God.

Families in the United States were more accustomed to being around dying people 100 years ago. The average life expectancy was in the mid-thirties to early forties, and most deaths took place at home. In the past hundred years, medical advances have resulted in more than doubling the average life expectancy. Eighty percent of deaths now take place in hospitals. Families deal with long-term illness and gradual physical deterioration in their loved ones with eventual hospitalization before death occurs.

Nuclear families deal with serious illness, death, and funeral arrangements infrequently. Many children grow up with little contact with grandparents and great grandparents and have not been around illness and death. Adult children are in families with both adults working full time, making caregiver responsibilities particularly challenging. Many in the United States reach the end of their lives without role models for dying well. The need for church families to become involved in care-giving and in the support of caregivers is significant and immediate.

Churches can minister to the dying and their families in simple, creative, and practical ways. Among other things, church members could run errands, walk the dog, help with housework, bake a cake, bring fresh flowers, read the Bible out loud, shovel snow, help with correspondence, do yard work, and drive the patient to the doctor's office.

Richard Dodge suggests that we can minister to the dying by:

Respecting their privacy.

Asking if they would like us to pray with them.

Remembering that their family members also need ministry.

Encouraging them to call you when they have a need.

Allowing them to share innermost feelings without being judgmental.

Assuring your continued interest and prayers.

He also suggests that we should refrain from:

Insisting to see a person who has requested no visitors.

Sharing Scripture just after arriving—spend time visiting with the person first.

Disclosing others’ personal thoughts or feelings shared with us.

Creating a funeral-like atmosphere.

One of the greatest gifts of love we can experience is to stand and keep vigil with a dying person. It also provides the greatest opportunity to learn. Those preparing to die have much to teach the healthy and the living about the mystery of our humanity and the dignity that is ours through our relationship with God. Every human life is valuable.

For the Christian, death is life's greatest paradox! Christians are told to "rejoice with them that do rejoice and weep with them that weep" (Romans 12:15). Usually this refers to two totally separate and different occasions, but, in the death of a Christian, these two radically different emotional experiences are at the same time, same place, same circumstance, with the same people involved. On the one hand, there is the pain, suffering, and sorrow due to the separation from a loved one. On the other hand, death is a time of victory, joy, gladness, and celebration with and for the saint who has gone Home. Since there is joy in heaven over one sinner that repents, what a time of celebration there must be when a saint "goes marching in!"

People, by just being there and caring, have a great impact on the grieving. Bereaved family members and friends need special grace in cases of a sudden death, an accidental death, a chosen death, or a criminal death. To come alongside the grieving then is especially important. The church members must dispense grace and leave all the unanswered questions in the hands of God. In some unclear cases, to say “We do not know” is an honest reply when questions of eternal destiny are asked (John 3:36).

People should be encouraged to grieve. It is alright for a person to weep because of the loss of a spouse, child, or someone else held dear. Rev. Roland Marsch states that one-third of the Psalms have been classified as laments, as for example, Psalms 13 and 22. Reading the Psalms can help us in:

Facing our loss and even complaining to God.

Offering prayer.

Recalling God’s promises.

Eventually reaching for praise.

Although grieving may take longer than we expect, the hope of one day being in the presence of God, who is preparing a place for us, should help us look toward the day He will wipe away all tears.

In his famous sermon, “The Weight of Glory,” C.S. Lewis noted that we are on the outside of the glory awaiting us and declared: “We cannot mingle with the splendors we see. But all the leaves of the New Testament are rustling with the rumor that it will not always be so . . . The door on which we have been knocking all our lives will open at last.” The end of our earthly journey should reflect our lifelong anticipation of heaven and being eternally in God’s presence.

© 2006, Jaime Gibbs

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Jaime Gibbs is the founder of Ministering Ladies. She and her husband just graduated with a Master's Degree in Church Ministry and Leadership from Valparaiso University. She lives in Northwest Indiana with her husband and son, and enjoys downhill skiing, despite having to ride the ski lifts.

Dobbins, Dr. Richard D. (2005). Dealing with Death and Dying. Assemblies of God USA. Retrieved November 19, 2005, from http://www.ag.org/senior-adult-ministries/ministry/dealing_with_death.cfm

Dodge, Richard E. (2005). Ministry to Someone who is Dying. Lifeway. Retrieved November 17, 2005, from http://www.lifeway.com/lwc/article_main_page/0,1703,A%3D150563%26M%3D50024,00.html

Harris, Helen Wilson. (2005). What’s a Congregation to Do? Family Ministry. Retrieved November 20, 2005, from http://www.fmef.org/index.cfm?PAGE_ID=88

Marsch, Rev. Roland. (2005). Death and Dying. Pamphlet published by the Canadian Mennonite Brethren Board of Faith and Life, Winnipeg, MB. Retrieved November 20, 2005, from http://www.mbconf.ca/believe/pamphlets/death.en.html

Metzler, A.J. (1989). Death and Dying. Canadian Mennonite Encyclopedia Online, 5, 217-218. Mennonite Historical Society of Canada. Retrieved November 19, 2005, from http://www.mhsc.ca/encyclopedia/contents/D358ME.html

Myers, Archbishop John J. (2005). Whether in Life or in Death We are the Lord’s. Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Newark. Retrieved November 18, 2005, from http://www.rcan.org/archbish/jjm_letters/whetherinlife.htm

Otto, PhD, Rev. Randall E. (2001). Care for the Dying: The Church and Hospice. Quodlibet Journal, 3 (2). Retrieved November 19, 2005, from http://www.quodlibet.net/pdf/otto-hospice.pdf

Rau, Andy. (2004, February 16). Ministry to the Dying. Message posted to http://ifc.gospelcom.net/ministry/469/

Smith, Rev. Joseph P. (1997, September/October). Ministry to the Dying. Voice Magazine. Retrieved November 20, 2005, from http://www.ifca.org/voice/7Sep-Oct/SMITH.htm

Zoba, Wendy Murray. (2001, October 22). Dying in Peace. Christianity Today, 45 (13), 80.

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