|
Join our e-mail list! |
|
Just type your e-mail address below and
press submit.
|
|
|
| |
 |
| |
Print
Acceptable Sins: A Parable
By Wendy Scoggins
July 31, 2006
Today, I attended
the Sunday morning church service at a church I’ve belonged to for a long, long
time.
Who am I? I am
Everyone. I am Somebody Else. I am No One. I am . . .
Brenda Beam
My pink Razr phone rang as I climbed out of my brand-new BMW. I answered, and
the voice of my best girlfriend came breezing through.
“Hey girl! Where
are you?”
“Just pulled into
the parking lot. Where’re you?”
“In my Sunday
school room, preparing today’s lesson. The red-haired sisters were just in here,
and girl, you would not believe how tight their shirts are.”
“Oh, that doesn’t
surprise me at all,” I replied. “Their mother has no problem letting her girls
flaunt their bodies. She’s just glad her daughters are popular, I guess. Shame
how some people take such pride in things like that.”
“Well, since
you’re here, come on back and help me with this Good Stewardship poster.”
“’Kay. Be right
there.”
Theodore That’s
Nothing
The pre-service craziness was in full swing as I entered the lobby. A bunch of
brothers were clustered over by the tithing table. As I approached, one of them
called out, “Hey, Bro. That’s nothing! How’d the fishing trip go this weekend?”
“Brothers, I tell
ya, I caught a bass that had to weigh at least 10 pounds!” I could see they were
impressed, so I launched into the whole story, detailing the lure and fishing
reel, the struggle that ensued and the cute chick who took my picture back at
the bait shop. They were so enthralled I could’ve gone on forever, but nature
was calling so I had to excuse myself.
Nyla Nose in D’Air
I entered the bathroom to see Tiffany and Tarah Too-Cute clustered around a sink
trying to learn their memory verses for the week. “Proverbs 6:16,” Tiffany read,
“These six things doth the LORD hate: yea, seven are an abomination unto him:
A proud look . . .”
My nose wrinkled
as I caught sight of their shoes. One twin wore a pair of impossibly scuffed
Mary Janes and the other wore a pair of Oxfords. Oxfords! In the 21st century!
Did she not realize those shoes had gone the way of poodle skirts or what?
“Hey, Nyla,” Tarah
greeted me. “I like your outfit. Is it new?”
“Yes,” I replied,
sweeping elegantly past their fashion-challenged selves into a bathroom stall.
“I bought it at Neiman Marcus yesterday.”
“. . . a lying
tongue, and hands that shed innocent blood . . .” Tiffany continued.
Esther Eagle Eyes
When I exited the stall, I realized something. “You girls aren’t wearing
pantyhose!” I exclaimed. Tiffany broke off in mid-sentence and looked up
guiltily.
“Well,” she
ventured, “it’s, uh, really hot outside today.”
Oh, these girls!
How much I loved them! How much worse off they’d be without my loving guidance!
“Gerrr-uhls,” I
informed them in my sweetest, most sympathetic voice, “I know it’s hot
outside, but that’s no excuse. You know our pastor’s wife feels our
ladies just look dressier in pantyhose, and I don’t think Pastor’s asking too
much of us to wear them to church. Right? C’mon girls, where would we be if we
just ignored everything we didn’t like about Pastor’s teachings, hmmm?”
Tiffany and Tarah
looked at me sheepishly, and I knew I’d gotten through to them. They mumbled
something in reply and left the bathroom, heads hanging. I turned to Regan Rude,
who had just finished refixing her hair. “These girls, huh? Good girls, they
just need a gentle reminder every now and then, y’know?”
Regan Rude
I smiled politely, glad I
had worn pantyhose this morning, and made my escape. In my hurry to get to my
brother across the foyer, I almost knocked down Bro. That’s Nothing, who was
talking animatedly to Mr. Curious, a frequent visitor.
“I tell ya, man!”
he exclaimed. “That bass musta weighed at least 12 pounds!”
When I walked up,
Ricky was talking to Hans Have Not. “Hey, I recognize that shirt!” Ricky said.
“I donated it to Goodwill last week!”
Sure enough, it
was the same shirt! You could tell because of the stain on the left arm. I
giggled. “Hans, don’t you think it’s a little small for you?”
Hans must’ve
thought that was funny because he gave a little smile, but Ricky must've thought
that was really funny because he burst out laughing, which earned him an
exasperated frown from Mom, who was a few feet away talking to some friends.
“Ricky, please
try to remember that we’re in the house of God!” she said. “You need to be
quieter!”
Abigail Always Tells
I left the boys and entered the sanctuary, walking rapidly up to the first four
pews on the right where all the young girls sat during service. I had overheard
my parents talking this morning, and boy, did I have some juicy news now!
Tiffany and Tarah
Too-Cute were the only ones there. I plopped down beside them. “Did you hear
about Anthony Pillar and Winnie White?” I asked excitedly. “They got caught
sleeping together! Pastor’s gonna make ‘em get up in front of the whole church
this morning to confess!”
Tiffany and
Tarah looked at me, sighed, and turned back to whatever was so interesting in
their laps. I couldn’t figure out why they weren’t as horrified about this as I
was. Oh well. “Oh, there’s Sis. Rude! I gotta go tell her! She’s not gonna
believe this!”
Tarah Too-Cute
Abigail scurried off as Tiffany and I tried to focus on our memory verses. “. .
. a false witness that speaketh lies, and he that soweth discord among the
brethren.”
Winnie White
plopped down next to us, crying. “Did you hear what Abbey’s been telling
everyone? That Tony and I’ve been sleeping together? It’s completely untrue, but
since Abbey’s the pastor’s niece, everyone believes her. And now the whole
Pillar family is mad at me—all 38 of ‘em!”
As we spoke,
Tiffany began flipping towards Matthew 22, the location of our second passage of
memory verses for the week. I couldn’t squelch a flash of anger that rose up in
me against Abbey. Like she always does, Tiff echoed my thoughts.
“Once, just
once,” she declared, arriving in Matthew, “I’d like to see someone get stood
up in front of the church for spreading a malicious rumor!”
Davis Don’t Care
I continued reading the memory verse in Matthew, trying to cram it in before
Sunday school. The pews began filling up in anticipation of the service that was
about to begin. Luke Lovely took his regular seat next to me on the pew.
“Hey, Dave,” he
said. “What’d you think about that e-mail I sent you last night?”
“Oh, the one
asking people to sponsor a Christian orphan in India for $20 a month?”
“Yeah, that one.
You gonna do it?”
“I don’t know . .
. that’s a lotta money. I think I need to pray about it first. Hey, you going to
Cheddar’s after church today?”
“Definitely, dude,
you wanna ride with me?”
“Sure.”
Eddie Eyes Wide Open
With that settled, I focused my attention on my memory verse once more. Matthew
22:37-40 said, “Jesus said unto him, Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with
all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind. This is the first
and great commandment. And the second is like unto it, Thou shalt love thy
neighbour as thyself. On these two commandments hang all the law and the
prophets.”
As I meditated on
these scriptures, the Lord spoke to my heart. “To break the greatest
commandments,” He said, “is to commit the greatest sins. Remember Matthew 25:40?
What you do to each other, you do to Me.”
That was all He
said. Just then the organ music started and the lights brightened. The worship
leader asked us to stand as he launched into the opening song. “Lift your
hands!” he exclaimed. “Lift your hands and praise the Lord, for He is worthy of
our praise!”
I lifted my hands
along with the rest of the congregation. Tears ran down my cheeks as I echoed a
prayer similar to one spoken 2,000 years ago. “Lord, forgive us; we know not
what we do . . .”
ninetyandnine.com
© 2006, Wendy Scoggins
---------
Wendy Scoggins
is a
former blogger for ninetyandnine.com. You can read more of
her writings at
www.goddivas.net,
where she is a co-blogger. She has never committed any “acceptable sins” and is
thankful she’s not like all you publicans who have.
|
