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If I Knew Then What I Know Now: I Would Have Defended Myself Sooner September 10, 2007 Debbie Simler-Goff
Boundaries are necessary. Stop signs halt traffic. Fences protect small children from playing in the street. Judges mete out punishment to all who violate the law. Hockey players respect the Plexiglas wall. Baseball pitchers know to stay within the strike zone, while football referees are paid to blow a whistle and throw a yellow flag every time a boundary is broken.
I wish God would have appointed an angelic referee to throw a yellow flag when my caretaker’s words wounded my little girl heart.
She was supposed to take care of me. And in some ways she did. My physical needs were always met. I never went hungry. I had a roof over my head and a bed to sleep in.
Yet my emotional, mental, and spiritual needs were denied validation. In her mind I had no rights—she was the caretaker, I was the child. Her opinion mattered. Mine did not. She was larger than life. My life had no value.
“This isn’t your house, I just let you live here.” Her words still haunt me.
The dynamics of our relationship remained tumultuous even after I grew up. I still feared her. And yet, I admired her. I longed for her acceptance and approval. So when she offered to pay for my wedding, I’d hoped it would draw us closer.
I should have known better.
Two weeks before the wedding she threatened to cancel the caterer, the florist, the reception hall and the church—unless I banned my father from my wedding. Imagine: a daughter denying her father the pleasure of escorting his only child down the aisle.
Regrettably, I complied with her wishes.
But if I knew then, what I know now, I would have stood up for myself and defended my father’s right to give me away.
Then, I didn’t realize I had a right to set boundaries. Now, I know that God gives each of us certain inalienable rights. Then, I was afraid of my caretaker’s disapproval. Now, I know God’s approval is all that matters. Then, I was afraid of being abandoned. Now, I know that God promises “When my mother and my father forsake me then the Lord will take me up” (Psalm 27:10). Then, I didn’t know God had other caretakers waiting in the wings. Now, I know He sent godly women to nurture me, dress my emotional wounds, and help me grow. Then, I didn’t know defending and establishing boundaries brought freedom. Now, I enjoy the liberty that only defined boundaries can bring.
I’m a grandmother now and I still do not have angels to throw yellow flags for me. But what I know now is that God desired to teach me to guard my own borders. And that is much better than what I knew then!
ninetyandnine.com
© 2007, Debbie Simler-Goff
---------- Debbie Simler-Goff is a freelance writer whose first article was for 90&9! She has written for various magazines including Indeed, Victory In Grace and the IBC Perspectives. Go to Debbie's website at www.dsimlergoff.com . Your visit will make her day!
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