|
|
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
 |
|
|
If I Knew Then What I Know Now: I Would Have Forgiven Sooner September 17, 2007 By Debbie Simler-Goff
(Editor’s Note: This is the final part of a four part series. You don’t want to miss Parts 1, 2, and 3 so that you avoid the “then’s” in your life.)
I swore he’d never hurt us again. He had done the unthinkable and I wanted nothing more to do with him.
I made up my own list of ‘Thou Shalt Not’s’ to keep him out of our lives: He wasn’t allowed to call us or leave a message. (Hearing his voice brought back too many painful memories.) He was forbidden to be in our home. He was not welcome at family functions—including weddings and funerals. In short, we were happier without him, and we wanted it to stay that way. I told myself it was best. He had violated us. We were wounded. End of story.
But God had a different idea.
Unexpected Realization God’s idea was to bring my life to a screeching halt through clinical depression. My condition was so severe that hospitalization was recommended. (Thankfully, my husband did not allow this. Instead, he took a leave of absence from work and took care of me.) It was a difficult time in our lives. Darkness closed in on me. There seemed no way out.
Desperate for wholeness, I cried to God for mercy.
God responded by sending people to treat the physical, spiritual and emotional aspects of my illness. These avenues of healing did improve my condition. My husband was able to return to work. I was able to function on a base level. Yet I was still experiencing a significant amount of mental anguish and social dysfunction.
And then it hit me.
Could this be how the boy I’d banned from our family felt? Is it possible that his destructive behavior was a manifestation of unresolved emotional issues? My depression certainly was. After all, he was only nine when his real mom died unexpectedly. And his dad presented him with a new mom shortly thereafter who was only 10 years his senior. And to top it off he had suffered a myriad of abuses from neighbors, teachers, and camp counselors by the time he was a teenager.
Maybe, internally he felt the same type of torment I was experiencing. Granted the source of my depression and the source of his misbehavior were no doubt drastically different. But, perhaps he felt just as powerless to change. Just as hopeless about an improved future.
If that was true, then I wasn’t the only one hurting.
Suddenly, I saw him as a victim.
Through God’s Eyes I wrote him a long letter that day apologizing for my unwillingness to forgive. I told him I loved him. And I let him know he was welcome in our home anytime.
Some things are only clearly understood in retrospect. This was one of those times. There was much I didn’t know then, that I know now. I didn’t know it then, but writing that letter was when my real healing began.
Then, I thought banning him from our lives preserved and protected our family. Now, I realize it did just the opposite. Then, I thought I was keeping my children from further hurt and pain. Now, I know that my example taught them resentment. Then, I thought I was shutting the enemy out. Now, I know that withholding mercy invites the enemy in. Then, I didn’t know that by extending mercy I freed God’s hand to pour mercy out on me.
The New Testament affirms this: “…You will be judged on whether or not you are doing what Christ wants you to. So watch what you do and what you think; … for there will be no mercy to those who have shown no mercy. But if you have been merciful, then God's mercy toward you will win out over his judgment against you” (James 2:12-13, The Living Bible).
In time, my depression lifted. And, in time, the boy and I were reconciled. I hesitate to reveal that the boy referred to in this story is my oldest son, Paul.
Seven years ago I wrote of our painful experience from a shattered heart and a murky perspective. Now, I write from wholeness. Then, I exposed my pain and Paul’s shame. Now, I know I had no right to tell the world of his failings, only of my own. Then I didn’t realize mercy brings healing to both sides of the battlefield. Now, I know without a doubt it does.
ninetyandnine.com
© 2007, Debbie Simler-Goff
---------- Debbie Simler-Goff is a freelance writer whose first article was for 90&9! She has written for various magazines including Indeed, Victory In Grace and the IBC Perspectives. Go to Debbie's website at www.dsimlergoff.com. Your visit will make her day! |
|
|
