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Help Yourself June 16, 2008 Practically Perfect in Every Way: My Misadventures Through the World of Self-Help--And Back. By Jennifer Niesslein. Berkley, 2007. 351 pp. Reviewed
by Alison Andrews “Am I happy?”
Jennifer Niesslein asked herself. She had a nice life, but a nagging
sense of dissatisfaction had begun to bother her. She decided
to take on a project to improve herself by taking the advice of
self-help experts in every area of her life: house, finances, marriage,
mothering, community, health, and spirituality. And unlike most
of us, who might read a book and attempt the program half-heartedly
at best, she actually did it. Niesslein chose
several experts in each area and followed their advice: she rid
her house of “hotspots” of clutter as the Flylady suggests, journaled
about her feelings at Dr. Phil's command, and exercised for eight
minutes every morning as part of Jorge Cruise's plan. Her observations
are witty, especially when she doesn't like the book or its author.
On Dr. Laura's advice to give her husband “warm looks” instead of
talking too much, Niesslein writes: “I feel a little like Kelly
McGillis in Witness, eyeing Harrison Ford shyly from under
my bonnet.” And when Dr. Phil tells her to say, “I have an
offer to make, and I think that you are going to like it a lot.
It has to do with our relationship,” it occurs to her that “a loving
husband might not be faulted for whisking his bride away to a deprogramming
expert.” Don't Turn Your Brain Off Although Niesslein
attempted to suspend her skepticism by following each program as
closely as possible, she didn't lose her common sense or her analytical
ability. Niesslein's ability to think critically about the advice
she encountered is one of the most valuable and interesting parts
of the book. Practically Perfect chronicles how her plan
affected her personal life, and in many instances, she's able to
connect her experiences to the larger issues that other women also
face. As the founding
co-editor of Brain,
Child: The Magazine for Thinking Mothers,
Niesslein surely knows that women in particular are the targets
for this type of book. After all, who is more likely to watch Oprah,
to worry about how each parenting decision will affect the kids,
and to feel that the house ought to be cleaner and the spouse more
communicative? Niesslein gets frustrated with experts who suggest
that the person attempting the program (almost always a woman) keep
doing all the extra work even if her partner doesn't cooperate.
That kind of arrangement just doesn't work for a woman who is used
to a more equitable arrangement--which may explain why some of us
have never finished one of those relationship books that require
quizzes and regulated conversations. The times I've tried to read
one of those books to my husband, he says, “Our marriage is fine;
why do we need to discuss it?” (And, truthfully, I feel the same
way.) His lack of interest makes me glad to take Niesslein's word
that it's fine to ignore advice that doesn't work for you. Advice Worth Keeping Niesslein did
find some advice worth keeping, including walking regularly and
working on a community service project that uses her editorial skills.
“And just like that, I can see the little speck in the Something
Larger that has my name on it.” Yet she had some dark moments on
her journey as well; for one thing, she started experiencing panic
attacks while driving, which had never happened before. As she points
out, maybe the attacks would have happened anyway--but it makes
sense to me that the intense self-scrutiny she engaged in would
lead to increased anxiety. If everything's up to you to be happier
and better, and bad things lurk around the corner if you can't get
your life under control, your subconscious mind might decide to
panic at inopportune moments. Niesslein never understands why the
attacks happened, but she likes Jonathan Haidt's idea that the conscious
mind is like the rider on the back of an elephant. When the elephant--the
subconscious mind--reacts to something, like a snake in the path
(or driving), nothing the conscious mind can do will control the
elephant. You have to calm the elephant, which for Niesslein meant
accepting her anxiety as a part of her, which led to this realization:
“You can't amputate parts of yourself…but you can manage them.” What would Niesslein
do differently if she did this experiment over again? Well, she'd
focus more on the giving to others, the Making a Difference. Although
as a lifelong nonbeliever, she can't accept the idea of faith in
God, she does see the value of connecting to Something Larger than
herself. What if it really is true that giving to others is a better
way to be happy than focusing on yourself? Now that's a concept
worth pondering. © 2008, Alison
Andrews ---------- Alison Andrews lives near Ft. Worth, Texas, with her husband and tw
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