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My Confession July 28, 2008 By Anonymous I never thought
I was the kind of person who would try to buy my way into anything,
especially not the kingdom of God. The very idea of paying
restitution or absolution fees to a church or minister has always
been, in my mind, the way of the cold-hearted big business man who
wants to be right with God, but on his own terms. Who would
expect God to go along with that sort of thing? Certainly
not me. I was raised
in the church and taught to tithe at a young age. My parents
are faithful in giving, and over the years I've witnessed time and
time again as God honored His promise that if we give, it will come
back. I can't tell you all the stories of times when they
were down to their last few dollars and God came through in the
form of checks slipped into my dad's suit coat pocket, an invitation
to dinner or money arriving in the mail, just in time. As I got older,
I heard more teaching on giving and felt the challenge to give more
than just tithes. As my income became steadier, I made a commitment
to a certain amount that I would give in offerings. Over time
I added other pledges to missions, Tupelo Children's Mansion, and
I was always willing to give in any special appeal offering, as
much as I was able. And God proved Himself faithful to me,
too. I came through four years of college on pieced-together
scholarships and grants, and at the end I only had to pay back a
loan for one semester. The whole time I was in college the
Lord provided affordable housing and income for my living expenses.
I came to adopt my father's philosophy: you can't afford not to
give to God. So when our
church started a building fund capital drive last year, it was only
a matter of “how much?” I read through the pamphlet our pastor
prepared to help us determine the amount we should pledge.
I read through every scripture listed and sincerely prayed for guidance.
I felt that I had heard from God and I made my pledge. It
was a significant amount, but I was sure that God would come through.
I started out, every month, subtracting that pledge out of my checkbook
right after the tithes and offerings. Things were going well,
until recently. Recently I had
a car accident and had to pay for a rental car and part of the expenses
to have repairs done. And when I moved into my first New York
apartment, and I had to buy furniture to sit on and that lovely
rent started coming due every month. Oh, and when gas hit
$4.39 a gallon. At that point payday stopped being fun.
I would sit down with my nice check from my first full time job
and subtract out all of my expenses and that feeling of being socked
in the gut would set in. Still, I was “making it”--or so I
thought. Then, one day,
the sock in the gut was twice as bad as usual. I realized
that if I paid my tithes, offerings and building pledge, I wouldn't
have enough left over for my rent, not to mention food, gas and
other living expenses. I started looking back over the previous
months. The “getting by” was actually putting me in debt.
My Visa bill was growing by the month, and Mom and Dad had already
donated more than enough to the Poor-Daughter-in-New York fund.
There was nothing else to do. I wrote a check for only the
amount of my tithes and made an appointment to meet with my pastor. It was a blow.
I wish I could say I only felt disappointed for not keeping a pledge,
or embarrassed about not being as financially independent as I had
imagined myself to be…I did feel those things, but there was more
to it. As I was moaning and crying, trying to figure out why
God hadn't come through for me this time, a gentle voice spoke to
my heart. “Isn't it about
your pride. too?” I sat and thought
back over the sermons I'd heard on giving. I could stand and
say 'Amen' with the best of 'em! I was a giver! I might
not be praying every day, or even every other day. It might
have been a week since I picked up my Bible. Maybe I hadn't
spoken to anyone about God in months, and maybe my attitude wasn't
letting any light shine through me. But hey! I was surely
giving more to the church than most people my age! That was
something I was doing right! Oh, I made commitments
to regular prayer times and set schedules for myself for devotion.
I promised God that I would let His spirit shine through me and
use me in evangelism. But when those commitments didn't come to
fruition, there was nothing on paper to convict me. It was
all in my head, in my heart, so who was to know? No, the one
commitment I was sure to keep was the one that someone, even if
it was only the church treasurer, would know about. I could
know that my image of being a good little Pentecostal girl was intact,
and push aside the chiding and prompting of the Lord as He pushed
me into a deeper walk with Him, a real relationship and not just
a business transaction, where I pay Him a fee and He takes care
of me. I kept my appointment
with my pastor. He's a wise man. He gave me good counsel,
to lower my monthly giving on the pledge until I had my credit card
paid off. He reminded me that the total pledge amount would
still be there; it would just take me longer to pay it. He
gave me a fatherly lecture about not being in debt and reassured
me that I shouldn't feel bad for needing to reevaluate. I
left, feeling better about the financial side, but still in turmoil
about the other things in my life that needed reevaluating. I can't say
I'm there yet. I wish that I was writing this to tell you
that now I'm praying an hour a day and that I've since read my Bible
through five times, that I've won a small army to the Lord and walk
around with nothing but praise on my lips, that I got a big raise
at work and now I can give even more than I was giving before.
That's not the case. I'm working on the areas of my walk with
God that He's directing me to improve. It's a slow process, I'm
learning, and each time I put a small check in the offering I'm
reminded of just how far I have to go. But the biggest
change has been in my mind, in the way I think about my own motives.
I can't say that I was never sincere in my giving, because I was.
I do want to give to the work of the Lord to help people and reach
the lost. Missionary videos and the kids from Tupelo will
always get me in that place that makes me want to pull out my wallet.
But somewhere along the way I let that sincere desire to give to
God turn into a justification for why I was okay. In a way I was
saying to God “I'm paying my way! Let me live the way I want
to live!” And He firmly responded to my childish arrogance
by handing my money right back to me. He doesn't want it and
He certainly doesn't need it. He just wants me. And He loves
me enough to let me hit a brick wall, so I'll stop running my own
way and turn to Him. © 2008, Anonymous ---------- |
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