What Testimony?

November 24, 2008

By Emily Huffhines

Twenty-one years of being “in church.” My wildest oats were a boyfriend at camp when I was 13 and maybe a rebellious word to my parents every now and then. I can't say that God has delivered me from drugs, drunkenness, or the party life. I didn't come from a broken home or have an abusive father. I can't even say when I actually realized my need for Him.

Does that mean I have no testimony? Absolutely not. What more awesome testimony could I have than that from the time I was cradled in my mother's womb the hand of God has been so present in my life? Time and time again the chance to give the devil's theme park a whirl has presented itself to me.

Not the Party Type, but . . .

Satan knew he couldn't get to me with drugs or alcohol or wild parties; that life didn't appeal to me. So he chose the more subtle. That guy who was “sort of” in church. No, he didn't drink or smoke, and he just cussed a little. He thought I was beautiful. He came to church every Sunday! Didn't that make it okay? I asked the opinion of everyone but my parents, because I already knew what they would say. And for the same reason, I didn't ask God about it. I knew what He was going to say, too. So I went on about my decision-making on my own--or so I thought.

I got the opinion of some of the most influential people in my life. Still no peace. My pastor always said he didn't like to counsel much, because people already knew what they should do. Now I know what he means. So that one day, I just decided. All on my own, with no one's making me. Now on the other side of it, I know I didn't make that decision on my own. God let me think I did, but I didn't. I wouldn't have. Everything in me said “Go for it! It would be fun! No worries!” But I chose the other path. Why? Because God wasn't willing to let me mess up because of my own stupidity.

Why did I decline? It wasn't because my parents were protective, although they were. It definitely wasn't because I was just smart, because I'm not. It wasn't even from fear. I'm pretty stubborn and if I really want to do something, I'll do it even if I am afraid. There's only one reason that I've been kept. The power of God has been so overwhelmingly strong in my life that it's kept me despite myself. Despite my tendency to make decisions now, and think later. Despite my tendency to obstinately go with my emotions and disregard reason. Despite my tendency to neglect my relationship with the One who is keeping me, while pursuing my own objectives with reckless abandon.

Interning in D.C.

I recall the first time I was away from home for an extended period of time. I was 19 years old, interning in Washington D.C. I met so many interesting people and God taught me a lot during that time. But of course, Satan had to throw something in there. Again, just a subtle as can be. One of my new friends invited me across town to the apartment of some other interns. I couldn't wait to go! No, I didn't ask God's opinion this time, either. Here I was again, in a situation where everything felt wrong once I was in it. When I think about all the things that could have gone wrong that night, I once again see the hand of my Lord right there when I needed it most, even when I wasn't asking.

We have free will to a certain extent. As we see all around us, God allows people to exercise that free will to their own detriment all the time. I'm no different; I have free will, right? Well, yes and no. The Lord deals with each of His children individually. In my case, it seems that He's chosen to override my free will in situations where I would have made the wrong decision. He doesn't have a big ego; He lets me think it was my idea. Really, though, He's been in the driver's seat the whole time. Even when I tried my best to push Him to the back seat or even out the door, He's gently denied me the “right” to make the wrong turn. He doesn't usually explain Himself or try to talk me out of it. Like a good father, when I try to reach across and jerk the wheel from His hand, He firmly pushes my hand away and keeps going in the right direction.

Satan's Detour Signs

Those detour signs Satan puts up along the way sure are enticing sometimes. “But Lord, that way looks so much easier. So much better. Look at the opportunities down that way! You're going the long way around, God! I can always turn around and go back if it's not what it seems.”

“No,” He says, “you can't always go back.” He knows which wrong turns are just going to be a delay, and which ones would result in a destination of fire and brimstone.

Occasionally He lets me take one of those turns that delay me. It always ends up badly, but He uses it to teach me something.

I return again to those weeks in Washington D.C. It was my first day of work. I've never had a panic attack, but I felt like I was having one then. Nervous doesn't even begin to tell the story. I really thought I might just curl up and die. Somehow I made the walk to the office, getting there 45 minutes early. I made it to a sitting room. No one else was there, thank goodness! I sat there trembling and feeling utterly in despair. Suddenly Psalm 23 began running through my mind, over and over and over: Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.

Ten minutes later, I walked into that office full of confidence and knowing that I had had a life-changing moment with God. If there is one thing I've learned in this walk with God, it is that when you think everything is crumbling, when you think you absolutely cannot go on, He'll give you strength to take that one next step. He'll give you strength to take that next breath. Sometimes He has to bring you to a point where you have no option but to trust Him.

Keeping Me Safe

He hasn't kept me all of these years because He loves me more than others or because I have any more worth or just because He wants to. The only reason that He's kept me is because He has a colossal plan, of which He has graciously chosen to make me a small part. His plan will come to pass, and He will not let my bad judgment change that.

God has others that He is keeping like He has kept me, and some He has allowed to make the wrong turns and come back. We are all coming together at some point in fulfillment of His master plan. Had He permitted me to make those turns, I wouldn't be at the meeting place, at the appointed time and His plan would be thwarted. Of course, He's not going to let that happen. He is the ultimate GPS. Not only does He tell me where to go, He does the driving for me. And He never loses the signal or needs to be updated. He will get me there, without fail, 100% of the time.

And that is my testimony.

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Emily Huffhines is an administrative assistant who enjoys writing in her free time. She has two younger (much younger) siblings who drive her batty, but whom she still loves dearly. She loves being active in her church by teaching and whatever else a gopher does.