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The Valley of My Own Making By Robin BrantleyStepping away
from God is a gradual process; it never happens all at once. The
carnal inner man struggles with the Spirit claiming that he or she
could never do that horrible thing, while constantly visualizing
the forbidden fruit. The foot slips and repentance is at the edge
of the tongue, but at the back of the mind, the person starts to
rationalize the situation. Before the individual knows what came,
he or she is in the depths of despair, drowning in sorrow, guilt,
shame, and condemnation. Hands are lifted toward Heaven, but
words are choked back as condemnation becomes a heavy weight around
the heart, and pillows are saturated with bitter tears that never
seem to stop. Can these bones
live again? Yes, they can! The love of
God can encompass the self-hatred of the lost soul and tear down
walls. However, just as gradual as it was to step away from Him,
it can also be a hard grueling way back into His presence. For some
it is easier to come back to God the same way after repentance,
but for others such as myself, putting one foot in front of the
other is the only way to communicate after a valley experience.
Crying out to Jesus was the first step of many struggles in finding
my way back into the presence of God--“The Lord is nigh unto
them that are of a broken heart and saveth such as be of a contrite
spirit” (Psalms 34:18). Many times all I could do was say, “Jesus,
I need you!” and have faith that He heard my prayer. The thought
of going to church was an instant negative, so instead I listened
and watched the online service of my church that I had not been
to in months. As I watched
the spirit of God move in the service, something within me broke,
and the first signs of life in my spirit came forth as I cried for
the first time in months. As tears of sorrow flowed down my face,
desperation overcame me, as I screamed to God that I could not stay
in the valley and I needed Him to lift me up into His presence once
more. Though it was a battle, after that night, my attendance to
church began at once a week. Each week that I stepped into the house
of God, the presence of the Lord made it easier for me to lift my
arms, clap my hands, and pray without feeling hypocritical. It took a year
for me to have a semblance of normalcy again. I still look at the
valley of my own making with guilt, but now I look up unto the hills
from which cometh my help, my help cometh from the Lord. When I
made my bed in Hell, Jesus was there and when I called on His name,
He was just a breath away. Everyday in
my inner man there is a struggle and a void of who I used to be,
but knowing the Lord is by my side brings hope to the forefront
that I can continue to live and work for God. These bones
are living again, learning to love again, and learning to be at
peace once more. © 2009, Robin Brantley---------- Robin Brantley hails from Birmingham, Alabama where she lives with her family and pets; Chibi, Kiba, and Paco. She has a Bachelor's of Science in History with a minor in Anthropology, and will be finished with her Paralegal Certificate in May. One piece of advice: never be at home alone when asking your dog a question, he might just answer back. |
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