May 17, 2004 - Essentials

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Essential Sports You Shouldn't Watch
By Lamont Jones
May 17, 2004

In a society saturated with choices, sometimes it’s nice to receive some knowledgeable recommendations.

As most of my friends can attest, I’m a huge sports fan. However, when you are labeled as such, people tend to believe you’re interested in all sports. While I believe competition on most levels is healthy, there are some sports out there that you should avoid at all costs.

Ping Pong—When ping pong became a competitive, money-paying sport is not clear to me, but we are stuck with it. These guys are underdeveloped physically. All they have is a slightly toned “paddle arm” and thick glasses. Most of them look like avid internet surfers with an unnatural weakness for Cheetos and Big K. Yet they receive accolades (and money) for playing a game that one could play wearing tight jeans and cowboy boots and do well. The only thing that counts is hand-eye coordination, which is what you need to be good at video games. All those guys look like gamers. One doesn’t have to be in shape to be good.

Baseball—Supposedly our national pastime, this sport seems to be mired in decadence, with whiny, prima donna millionaires, spineless owners, sports agents and commercialism turning a sacred tradition intertwined with the historical path of our nation into a laughingstock bent on ignoring the generations of fans who built the sport. Some would say this is the golden age of the sport, with the hallowed home run record being shattered by three men in the last seven years, the immortal 756 home run career record set by Hank Aaron, pitchers having perfect save seasons, no errors in a season, striking out fewer times than Ted Williams, and so on.

However, the sickening thing is that none of this is done honestly. Barry Bonds, for instance, will likely break Hank Aaron’s record next year. Sadly, his sports trainer has been indicted for selling steroids. Notably, this man is also a childhood friend of Bonds. Bonds has, inexplicably, gotten huge and better in the last eight years, as he’s gotten older. Intuitively that doesn’t make sense, considering age and the wear and tear of playing 162 games a year tends to wear down most men over time.

What that says is that any honor the sport held is now held hostage to drugs, money, sponsorship, and ego. Who could possibly relate to Alex Rodriguez, arguably the best player in the game today, who purports to be all about winning, but plays where the team owners shell out amounts of money so obscene that it’s almost comical? Oddly enough, the guy has rarely been on a true contending team and ironically, when he leaves the team, they end up performing stunningly better. This guy is only about money. Why would anyone cheer for him, unless you had designs on marrying him?

Apparently fans are fed up. Particularly in Colorado, where if the owners just put a competitive team on the field (i.e., one that would consistently put up a good fight, regardless of record) people might come watch! However, they have rather been content to focus on the bottom line and put a shoddy product out there so they could maximize the coin in their pockets, all the while raising ticket prices and keeping payroll low. Both owners and players are culpable and the fan base has shown distaste. Instead of selling out 81 games a year like they did in the first 10 years of their existence, they’re lucky to fill up half the stadium.

Apparently, owners aren’t fans of the game and don’t understand the tradition as much as the players. When someone asks me what do I think about baseball, I say, “Who cares?”

Curling—All that needs to be said is that you play this “sport” with a broom. You are manipulating a giant weight with a broom. No hand-eye coordination is involved. No flexibility is needed. You just glide lazily down an ice “bowling lane,” brush a path with your broom in front of a smooth granite rock and get enormously thrilled when you both hit the bull’s eye and knock your opponent’s rock out of the circle. Wheeee! Who invented this—the Association of Bored, Unfulfilled Janitors? At least Canada can be proud of hockey.

LPGA (Golf)—I’m not chauvinist, but LPGA is not a sport worth watching. Anything that women do in this sport, men do significantly better. The ladies’ tees are closer and they don’t hit it nearly as far. They do putt marginally better, but who cares? Do you find hoards of fans watching National Hockey League action or minor league action? Dare I mention the WNBA (the Wild Nag Basketball Atrocity) and WMLS (that’s soccer for those of you who don’t know)? The same is true for the LPGA. It’s just a weaker, less exciting version of the big time.

Sure, say this is heartless, unfair, blah blah blah. The fact of the matter is that the numbers don’t lie (money, ad revenue, winning amounts, etc). People might say they care with their mouths, but their TV viewership and pocket book will tell you otherwise. Of course, critics will say that there are a few women who can play on the men’s tour. Yeah, fine. Those you can count on one hand, and they will do well to barely make the cut. I’m bored with this now. Let’s move on!

Olympics—The world’s oldest games have completely sold out. The Olympics isn't about sports anymore. It’s about professional athletes and big business sponsorship. The TV networks have total control of the games. No one competes for pure competition at all. They should just stop kidding themselves with their high and mighty ideals and make the event great, instead of having a few people control what you see and having big business have their name on “amateur” athletes. It’s a charade.

ninetyandnine.com

Lamont Jones is a tortured St. Louis Blues fan and a true equestrian lover. He currently resides in Denver.