June 7, 2004 - Clueless, But Completely Secure

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Clueless, But Completely Secure
By Sarah k. Holland
June 7, 2004

As a kid, especially those trying teenage years, the only thing you want is the opportunity to make your own choices, even if it means making mistakes. You scream and holler that it should be your decision on how you live your life; it’s your life after all. However, it’s not until you’re given the chance to make your own decisions that you realize how absolutely insane it is to WANT such a responsibility. I, myself, didn’t even realize just how crazy it really was, until I was suddenly forced into that position.

I’ve known every step my life was going to take from the time I was old enough for it to matter. Well, that’s not true, in sixth grade I thought I was going to be a lawyer, but by seventh, I had my career path planned. By midway through volleyball season I decided that upon graduation from high school I would attend Oakland University on scholarship, major in English and secondary education and go on to teach high school. Through the next six years of school, much of my life changed, yet, as no surprise to me, after I graduated I entered Oakland University on the President’s scholarship, majored in English and entered the school of education for secondary study. My ten-year plan was being fulfilled beautifully. I worked through college, loving every step of the way, and enjoying the best times of my life. However, I lived for the moment when I would have no more steps to finish, and would be free for God to take me where He planned for me to go.

Enter-college graduation. After years of planning and following the path I had carefully laid out for myself, without any massive changes made to my plans by God, I was done. I held a college degree, a secondary teaching certificate, and the world, all in my hands.

So now what? For the first time in 23 years, I have no clear direction. In theory I should be getting a job, and while every school district in the state has my (very nice looking) resume, those doors are not opening. I have interviewed, I have sought, I have smiled a lot and said the right things, and after months, I still don’t know what I’m doing next. How do I even know that this career path is the one I am supposed to take? Options begin to appear: grad school, private school, teaching abroad, and editing jobs. The options are never exactly what I think they are going to be, and I shake my head at the 16-year-old inside of me that screamed at my mother to “let me make my own mistakes!” Suddenly, I find myself not only unsure of tomorrow, but unsure of the very path I laid out for my life. I have never been so clueless, I have never been so afraid, and I’ve discovered that there is something very lonely about not knowing. No one understands exactly what you’re going through, and when you try to explain they are quick to jump on the wrong answer without listening to the words you are actually saying. They throw out phrases like, “Something will land, just wait and see,” or better yet, “if it’s meant to be, you’ll find something.” As though I didn’t already know this?

That is where I found myself: alone, with no answers, and no one to lean on. Yet, somewhere along the way, God had managed to place a little drop of faith deep into my life. It’s the most amazing thing. When I became clueless and alone, God showed up big time. He caused the faith within me to well up, and gave me the strength and courage to say, “I trust Him.” How amazing—I trust Him. I still don’t have even the slightest clue what to do next. I don’t even know when I’ll have my answer, but every time I walk into an interview, I know that He has the ending already figured out, and every time I get asked “so what’re you going to do now,” I can smile as I say “not a clue.” A new day comes, but no new answers. I have no direction, no ground, no clue, but I have God, and I have never felt so secure.

ninetyandnine.com

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Sarah k. Holland recently graduated with her degree in English. She advises all people to avoid the humanities degrees and has begun searching for jobs in the non-continental U.S.