Relationship Woes
The other day I ran across an old friend I hadn’t seen in several weeks and hadn’t hung out with in an even longer time than that. We began updating each other on our lives and somehow the conversation found us joking about our dismal love lives. All of a sudden, he suggested, "You should hook up with me."
I was a little shocked. I didn’t know what to say, so I just smiled, changed the subject, and eventually made an excuse to leave. The more I thought about his statement later, the more it bothered me. Was I so out of touch with today’s Apostolic dating scene that I was unaware of how things are done nowadays? What does hooking up really mean, anyway? Does it involve making out, a simple date, any kind of commitment, exclusive dating? What was he asking for with his suggestion? The guy is a sincerely sweet one; I know he meant nothing insulting, but why did I feel so disrespected, as if he’d just made an indecent proposal?
Was I hopelessly old-fashioned in wanting to be wined and dined, pursued and persuaded, convinced and cajoled? Was I naïve in hoping some ardent suitor would actually put time, thought and effort into "winning my heart" with impromptu picnics, wildflowers and cheesy but sweet little gifts? Or are modern girls just expected to acquiesce to an easy suggestion with no hope of ever receiving these things? And if I really am hopelessly old-fashioned, do I really want to adopt modern dating methods? Will my foolish schoolgirl notions condemn me to a life of permanent spinsterhood?
Lest you think I read too many romance novels, let me assure you that I find them insipid and sappy. Yet I can’t help feeling that we’ve lost something precious somehow, by reducing dating and relating to cold suggestions and complicated games. Consider, if you will, the origin of the term hook-up -- a tract advocating "open" marriages:"So there you are, a person, a particular identity, with your unique pattern of hook-up points. And there next to you is your mate with his own particular identity and his own unique pattern of hook-up points. You become joined together because you find that numerous, perhaps even a majority, of your hook-up points match. You grew up together, you speak the same language, have the same values . . . but however many hook-up points you share, there will be others that you do not, simply because you are unique individuals . . . Whether they are actually needs that your mate cannot meet to stimulate further growth, they are part of you. And if they are not used, if they remain untouched, unvalidated or unfulfilled, they will become brittle from disuse. Eventually, to continue the image of these hook-up points as external antennae, they will become so deadened that they will simply drop off, making you a diminished person with fewer and fewer points of contact. These lost hook-up points leave you less of a unique person, less than you once were or could in the future be. If one of these hook-up points has roots deeply imbedded in your personality, stemming from a major need, it may be impossible to simply shed it like a porcupine’s quill. Instead it will fester where it is . . . In our closed marriages, we allow only those hook-up points that match those of the mate to be fulfilled."*
Society adapted this term into its language and eventually, as all worldly dating methods do, it filtered into the church. At times, many young people, including myself, have used the phrase while being completely innocent of where it came from. I think it's highly indicative of the chivalry, romance, and just plain thoughtfulness can rarely be found out on the playing fields these days. Nowadays, girls are expected to be just as aggressive as guys, which results in a lot of passivity on the guys' part. Group or double dating has replaced traditional dating, which makes it easy for a guy to enjoy a girl's company without going to much effort. When good-looking guys say, "Let's hook up," most girls jump, because if they don't, some other girl will. We women are certainly short-changing ourselves. No wonder so many of my friends are practically having to propose to their boyfriends or drag their fiancees down the aisle!
Blech. If that’s all I’ve got to look forward to, then give me spinsterhood any day!
*From Open Marriages by Nena and George O'Neill. Copyright 1972. I wish I could take credit for the research it took to uncover that little tome, but I can't. The quote was taken straight from A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue by Wendy Shalit.
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