Wanted: Romance (Alive, not Dead)
Before I go any further, I want to make it clear that I don’t consider myself a relationship expert. What you’re getting today is the result of only 24 years of observation and experience; my opinions – and I stress that they are nothing but opinions – may be quite different 24 more years from now as I become older and wiser. If you disagree with me or feel you have something to add, please e-mail me! I always enjoy hearing from you! Okay, let’s get down to business . . .
In my pursuit of hipness and coolness and trying to become the epitome of the modern Apostolic woman, romance was one thing I left in the dust. To me it was sappy, unrealistic, and so last century. I felt nothing but contempt for the girls who wrote "I Heart So-and-So" on every available writing surface and wanted their boyfriends to send them flowers. Modern society, for the most part, had rejected romance, and so did I. Modern society expected women to be as cool and as tough as men, and so did I. What I didn’t realize was that, really, I was ashamed of being womanly.
My façade crumbled when I read (non-Christian) Wendy Shalit’s A Return to Modesty: Discovering the Lost Virtue several months ago (a stunningly brilliant, highly recommended book, by the way). In this book, and especially in a chapter entitled "Against the Curing of Womanhood" Shalit explains that although society wants to Prozac away everything feminine about women, it is truly okay to be emotional, to be sensitive, to desire romance. Basically, the book restored to me what I had hidden and tried to deny for so long.
After reading that book, I ready to embrace and celebrate romance with every feminine bone in my body. Ready, that is, until I realized I still lived in a world that didn’t place a high priority on romance, a world that sneered at emotional attachment as much as I once did, a world that infected most Apostolic guys I knew with a similar viewpoint. I’m still living in that world, but I have hope that one day I will stumble across an exception . . .
Romance: What it Is and What it Isn't
There’s a lot of myths about what romance is, so first let’s discuss what romance isn’t. Romance doesn’t involve a whole lot of kissing or other physical involvement. In fact, with pre-marital romance, the less of that stuff the better. About a year ago, God convicted me of the casual kissing my crush and I engaged in. Difficult as it was, we stopped kissing, and as time went on, I was surprised at how much more romantic our relationship became. The little things were magnified – the texture of my hair under his fingers, the crinkle in his eyes when he smiled at me. That was a huge lesson for me – that physical restraint allows romance to prosper.
Romance also doesn’t involve spending a whole lot of money. I know many girls whose ideal date drops plenty of cash for whatever she wants. Not me. I figure if the guy has a lot of dough, it doesn’t take much effort on his behalf to plunk it down anytime I flutter my eyelashes. And if he doesn’t have much, expecting him to spend a lot of money on me is just plain shallow. Although romance does include asking a girl out and paying for her meal (it’s a matter of male pride, so all you Dutch-loving girls, don’t fight it!), keep in the mind the best dates are the ones that don’t cost a whole lot. Picnics at the park, watching meteor showers at the beach, eating ice cream at the fair -- things like that come to mind when I think of the best kind of dates that don't cost a whole lot.
Which bring us to the subject of what romance is: romance is godly; romance is time; romance is effort; romance is inconvenient; romance is thoughtful; romance is courteous; romance is innocent; romance is pure.
God is the most hopeless romantic there is – that’s godly. As humans made in His image, we are hardwired to desire and pursue romance. Romance is long talks, long walks, a lot of time spent getting to know each other – that’s time. Romance is planning a picnic for two in the park or any other activity designed to make the person of your dreams feel special – that’s effort. Romance is taking an hour off from work in the middle of the afternoon to go pick him up and bring him home because his car broke down, he’s stranded, and no one he called showed up – that’s inconvenience. Romance is coming across your girlfriend’s grocery list and going shopping for her without her asking – that’s thoughtful. Romance is "please," "thank-you," and building each other up in front of others – that’s courtesy. Romance is the guy who trembles when you get a little too close – that’s innocence. Romance is the girl or guy who gently tells you "no" – that’s purity.
Romance is also considerate, fun, honest, and sincere. Above all romance is lasting; it doesn't -- or shouldn't -- disappear until "death do us part."
So Where's All the Romance?
All you girls – think back to your last date. Did he call you up, ask you out and then ask where you’d like to go? Yeah, I thought so. He didn’t have anything special planned, did he? How many of your dates consist of going to Chile’s, the Olive Garden, Applebees, and then Chiles again? What’s that – you’re just glad he asked you out at all because no one hardly formally "dates" at all anymore? Mm-hmmm.
I have a friend who was proposed to at Sonic. Yes, Sonic, America’s Drive-In. I have another friend who wouldn’t mind being proposed to in Wal-Mart, for pete’s sake, if he would just do it, dagnabbit! I have yet another friend who grew so tired of waiting that she asked him if he intended to marry her any time soon because if not she wasn’t going to wait around much longer. So what's up with guys nowadays; how come so few of them are romantic?
I think it’s because we women don’t expect it. Expecting it would be too hard, and we’re not willing to wait around that long. In fact, most of us girls are doing all the pursuing these days! When women become the initiators and men become the passive recipients, well, that doesn’t lead to romance at all, in my opinion. It’s still the guys’ job to bear the entire burden of pursuing the girl and possibly risking rejection.
So what do you think? What does the dating scene look like to all you single Apostolics out there? Does it look good to you, or does it need to change? If so, how would you like it to change? Have I hit the nail on the head, or am I way off base? Write me and tell me what you think; I’ll post your answers (anonymously, of course) in a future entry. It’ll be like my own little "Apostolic Romance" survey, and it’ll be very interesting to get a "big picture" look at what it's really like out there!
Questions, comments, concerns?
E-mail them to wscoggins@ninetyandnine.com.
I reserve the right to quote you unless you ask otherwise.
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