An Evening at an Apostolic Service
I visited Dimples’ church tonight. I just went to hear his pastor preach. Really, I did! It was quite an experience for a quiet mid-week service.
I Have a Hymnbook Habit
During song service the song-leader enthusiastically announced the page number for every song: “Now we’re gonna sing from page 255!” I reached for the hymnbook – the same one we use in our church; whatta coincidence! – and then promptly shoved it back in the pew when I realized everyone was reading the lyrics from the projection screens up front. We don’t have projection screens in our church, although they seem a staple in every UPC church I’ve ever attended. I have to admit, I’m all for modern technology, but I still like singing from a hymnbook best.
Nothing Like a Little Embarassment in Church
Shortly before the preaching, Dimples came over and sat down next to me. The little old lady I was squashed up against elbowed me. “This yer feller?” she squawked.
Mortified, I burst out, “No!”
Dimples squirmed next to me. “No ma’am,” he corrected.
“Uh, I’m sorry . . . no, ma’am,” I said, doing my best to smile reassuringly at her. “We’re just friends,” I explained.
“Oh. Nothing wrong with that.” Then raising her voice, she proclaimed, “He’s a fine young man!"
Dimples reached over to clasp her hands gratefully, smirking at me the whole time. She beamed and continued. “He's precious, just precious. We just love him to death." Then she lowered her voice and whispered conspiratorially to me. "He’s going to make some young lady a fine husband one day.”
Was that supposed to be a hint?
Old Habits Die Hard
I made the same mistake again by pulling out my Bible for scripture reading. Dimples shoved it back in my purse as quickly as if I'd pulled out a tube of lipstick. “It’s on the screen,” he hissed.
Ironic. No one uses a Bible in church anymore.
Nothing Like a Little Entertainment in Church
The little old lady entertained us twice more during the rest of the service. During the sermon, when Dimples’ pastor asked, “If your son asked for bread, would you give him a stone?” she whispered, “Yes! And I’d take and whack him upside the head with it!”
Later the pastor began poking fun at articles with titles like, “Eight Steps to a Successful Marriage,” or “10 Steps to Revival.” His point was that sometimes people fail to fall in love with Jesus because they get too hung up on the steps. “Yep, and then they fall and break an ankle,” the little old lady remarked.
Okay, it was funny to me. Boy, I sure know how to pick a pew partner, don’t I?
After church, I ran across another little old lady. This one I know from back when I used to have coffee with the sister of the lady’s husband who . . . well, I just know her. Of course she wanted to know why I was there. “I’m friends with a guy who goes here? Dimples?”
“Oh!” She smiled widely. “I’d heard he was going with a girl from your church but I didn’t know it was you!” This was followed by yet another gushing speech on the virtues of Dimples and how she just had to compliment me on my choice.
So . . . he seems to have all the little old ladies fooled. You know he had to do quite a bit of sweet-talking to accomplish that, because those little old ladies are sharp! Well, that’s okay because at my church, all the little old ladies think I’m wonderful too. And the next time he visits there, I’m going to instruct them to bombard him with compliments about me. I can just visualize his 6'2" frame surrounded by a swarm of white beehives as they tell him things like, "She visited me in the hospital and brought me chocolate chip cookies! Boy, I tell ya, did those things send my sugar uuuup! But they was so good I hid 'em from the grandkids and ate 'em all by myself! Hee, hee, hee . . ." I can't wait.
All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed the service, commentary notwithstanding. The songs were the same, the worship was the same, the spirit of God was the same . . . I felt right at home.
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