State of the Blogger Address
There have been some concerns among some of you about this blog, and in particular, some of my more recent posts, so I thought I'd take a chance to alleviate as many of them as I can. This is going to require telling you part of my life’s story, so you might as well get comfortable. You've got a long blog ahead!
First of all let me say that I appreciate your concern and constructive criticism more than you might think. I don't even mind it (too badly) when you disagree with me, because sometimes you’re right! When you steer me towards a more correct mindset, I become a stronger, smarter person. That’s why I always encourage your feedback, whether good or bad. After all, how am I to learn and mature if a “multitude of counselors” do not impart their wisdom to me?
Second, I think my blog has a tendency to be misunderstood because I am not good about attaching a thousand disclaimers to my opinions. For brevity's sake, I often say what I want to say, but I rarely state what I am not saying. Frankly, that's something I need to work on. Since I have a diverse body of people reading my opinions on a daily basis, there is always the possibility you may read into them a different meaning from what I originally intended - and that's okay because it's an often inevitable snag in the whole communication process. If you ever desire further clarification on anything I write, I never mind answering your questions! Feedback - that is, dialogue as opposed to me giving you a monologue - is also a part of the whole communication process where the message can be refined and better understood. That's why I encourage it so often. After all, if you keep misunderstanding me, I’m going to begin fancying myself an artist!
Several of you have expressed concern over my spiritual state. Basically, here is an honest look at where I was and where I am now in my walk with God:
I am confused as to exactly what God wants to do with my life.
Actually, perhaps "seeking direction" is a more apt description. This in itself should not be a cause for alarm. I believe that all twentysomethings, in varying degrees, go through this seeking process. Just like the young adult years are those in which most people make the decisions that will establish the foundations of their lives for decades to come, so are the twenties the years in which Christians cement their commitments to Christ and seek His will in areas such as education, jobs and/or marriage in order to make the wisest decisions that will establish the foundations of their lives . That so many churches have College & Career Sunday school classes is recognition that these years of our lives are crucial to our lifelong success. This struggle, this state of searching and waiting, is normal and necessary, and I am not ashamed of it.
At the same time, I am emerging from a crisis of faith.
According to my research on crises of faith, they often happen when one gets serious about one's walk with God. That's not to say that those who don't experience a crisis of faith aren't serious about their walks with God, but when these crises do happen, the "making up of one's mind" can be the cause. In fact, I don't wonder if perhaps these crises of faith aren't initiated and directed by God Himself – perhaps since you've finally given Him something to work with, He can begin to mold you how He wants you to be. Such a process - as I can testify - can be long and excruciating.
A house of cards? My crisis occurred about a year ago during a time when my relationship with God was stronger than it had ever been before in my life. It was about that time that I came face to face with some glaring inconsistencies in some of my church's teachings. I was pretty sure at the time that this was of the devil. After all, he is the author of confusion, and I was feeling very confused. Perhaps that was a factor, but in hindsight; I see more of God's handiwork. I believe that in order for me to start becoming the person He desired, He first had to remove some false beliefs and prejudices I’d been taught. When I set off in search of scriptural support for those things I was now wondering about – only to find scriptures against them – my safe little world collapsed.
I found out later in my critical thinking class at college that such a collapse is a normal occurrence among those who experience crises of faith. To put a complex concept simply: there comes a point in time for many people - not just Christians – when they find out the things they were taught as children don’t jive with reality, which then begins a long processes of exchanging faulty beliefs for more believable ones. (In the long run, this is a good thing. After all, if such an examination didn't happen, we A/Ps wouldn't see many people convert from other religions.)
Some of these searchers (as I did) take this line of thinking even further and assume (often mistakenly) that since one belief is untrue, every belief in the belief system must also be untrue. In short, this happened to me as well. Every belief I’d ever held became up for grabs.
Questions and guilt. As most of you are aware, it is a rare Apostolic church (especially here in the Bible Belt) that encourages questioning. To ask a question wondering if a fundamental doctrine of our faith is correct is considered dangerously close to heresy and blasphemy. I think this is such a shame; to question is merely to quest for truth. In my mindset back then – believing questioning to be wrong! – I felt very guilty about the doubts I was having. Why was it just me who seemed to have these problems? Why was I the only one who just didn’t get it?
Those whom I trusted enough to confide my doubts turned down my requests for Bible studies. I was left with little to no resources other than my parents, the Internet, any book I could get my hands on and of course the Bible itself, which is the hardest book in the world to understand by yourself! Desperate, I even sought answers from a Trinitarian minister who was gracious to take the time to answer them. That’s where I get my basic knowledge of Trinitarianism from; of course, I find it their theology lacking somewhat, but I’m glad to have further insight as to where Trinitarians are coming from. I’ve found that my ability to see both sides of an issue makes me more compassionate and less judgmental, even if I may not always agree.
Restoration comes. In the end, this website restored my faith in the new birth experience, Oneness theology, Jesus’ name baptism, etc. – you know the drill. Beliefs I had once taken for granted are now cemented in my heart. Some of the teachings of my church survived the scrutiny of the scriptures, although others didn’t. Today, as a general rule, I tend to lean toward a scripturally authoritative interpretation of the Bible rather than relying on teachings more rooted in tradition. As I told my mom, “All I want is to be right. All I want is to believe exactly what the Bible says, nothing more and nothing less. All I want is to be able to give chapter and verse for everything I believe and have it all make perfect sense.”
That’s not to say, however, that I have everything all figured out now. I still desire more prayer, research and Bible studies in order to prove some of the things that are still up in the air. I think I owe it to myself to be completely sure before I make a firm decision either way. I hope the next few years will be a refining process for me where I can grow into deeper truths and shed those things I might be wrong about.
So what does all this have to do with my church?
Because so many beliefs I once held have now changed, I find myself in the sticky situation of no longer having much in common with the people at my church other than our shared roots and love for one another. I find myself torn between my loyalty to my life-long church and my loyalty to my God-given convictions – and the irony that I’m forced to choose between them doesn’t escape me. At the risk of sounding melodramatic, if you’ve ever been where I am now, I suspect you are aware that this is a dilemma of heartbreaking proportions.
I will be the first to admit that being unhappy with and rarely attending one's church is damaging to one's spiritual life. Perhaps there are those who are able to survive out in the wilderness where it’s just them and God, but I’m not one of those people. I need the Body of Christ in order to thrive.
So what am I doing now?
That's a good question. I'm praying. And waiting. And reading the Word. I feel as if I'm at a crucial decision-making crossroads, and I don't want to walk a step without clear direction from God. However, I remain confident that He will send me an answer in His perfect timing.
I have worked through most of the bitterness and hurt that comes with disillusionment. That’s not to say it doesn’t crop up every now and then, but when it does, I don’t make camp there. This experience has made me vividly aware of my own failures and shortcomings, so it helps to remember those when I’m tempted to point the finger of blame or throw up my hands in frustration.
In the meantime, I'm taking steps to correct the ways I let my walk with God stagnate during the past couple of months. One of those steps includes finding a mentor that I can lean on for accountability, prayer and guidance. (I am now taking applications, by the way :)
I want to be real.
Up until recently, I hid this struggle of mine from you. However, as time went on, I kept feeling like more and more of a hypocrite. I feel accountable to you, and I was uncomfortable with anything less than total honesty with you, thus my confession. I withheld it for so long because I dreaded the confusion and controversy I was pretty sure would ensue, but in the end I felt like you deserved nothing but full disclosure. I might not have been right about that. Maybe I should've have kept that hidden and gone on pretending. Maybe I am too honest for my own good. Either way, it's too late now for regrets.
If you'll allow me room and patience, I'll continue sharing this journey of mine with you. I'll share insights I gain, doubts I have, lessons I always learn the hard way. If, however, you prefer to hear only from the happy go lucky blogger and not the deep, wrestling thinker as well, that can also be arranged. (Don’t worry though, the happy go lucky blogger hasn’t disappeared; she just isn’t laughing right now. I’m certain we’ll see her again pretty soon though.) One thing's for sure - this blog is important to me, you are important to me, and I don't intend to quit. I haven't forgotten that you are the reason why I'm here (although I’d like to think that maybe God had a little something to do with that too?), and I don't intend to make you regret casting your vote for me.
That leads me into two quick, important points.
I must thank the good folks at ninetyandnine.com for trusting me to write this blog. That is not to say that because I write for them that they agree with everything I write. Did you catch that? Just because my opinions appear on this blog, that does not necessarily mean that ninetyandnine.com endorses each of them. What they do endorse is my right - everyone's right, really – to honestly discuss issues that affect our daily Christian lives, even if we agree to disagree on certain issues sometimes.
Second, not every writer or website I link to shares all of our basic Apostolic beliefs. If and when they do, I try to point that out, but that may not always be the case. Just like many of you who write articles for ninetyandnine.com and quote people who may or may not agree with our Apostolic doctrines in order to support or disprove a point, the same holds true for any person or site I link to on this blog. Just because I agree with something a person says, that doesn't mean I concur with everything he or she believes. As always, I encourage you to read the links and come to your own conclusions via scripture.
I'll wrap things up now since this has been a long (but hopefully more clarifying) post. Remember - can I say it one more time? - I always welcome your questions and feedback. Until tomorrow!
Questions, comments, concerns? E-mail me! I reserve the right to quote you unless you ask otherwise.
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