(ER staff performs a trendelenburg maneuver in order to draw samples from patient)

What It Is, Is a'mergency

Definition of emergency
Emergency is the name of the game where I work, in a Level I Trauma Center, smack dab in the middle of Georgia. But there are two things most folks don't realize when they enter the Emergency Room, or ER for short:
1. We will take blood from you.
2. We will probably cut your clothes off.
We need a small sample of blood to send off to the lab so we can tell what you've been drinking, inhaling and ingesting. And we cut your clothes off because someone injured will not feel up to it, and we also have to make sure you're not carrying a weapon. So there, the next time you're in an accident, remember those two items and send your lawyer to the ER instead.

The Waiting Game
At the ER, we find it necessary to make folks wait, because it takes a boatload of time to cut your clothes off, draw blood and start an I.V., and collect various samples of output from you before dashing it off to the lab. At my ER, we have the tube system, exactly like the one at you local bank, where you sign your check, seal it in the tube and FOOF! it vacuums itself over to the nice teller smiling and sitting behind 2" bulletproof glass. Except we send our blood and output samples through this type of system, and every once in awhile sump'n jams up and—ugh—there is a huge mess for someone to clean up above the ceiling tiles. Plus, your lab personnel will not be smiling any longer.

We Are Not the Restaurant
For some reason, folks who are patients became needy and demanding the moment their big balooga body hits the stretcher in the room. They suddenly feel the need to ask for a glass of water, meal to eat, something to output into, a blanket, a more comfortable bed, the location of the phone/remote control/bathroom, and last but not least: they need someone to clean up the [output] that just occurred within minutes of parking in the bed. Our response is necessary in maintaining good nurse-patient relationships, so we answer them as friendly as possible (NO!).
If there were an ER on any of those dog-awful reality survivor shows, then much of the programming would involve the contestants clamoring to get into the ER so that all their needs could be met. But they wouldn't ever leave since we will promptly, after drawing several vials of blood from them, cut their clothes off.