See Sunny Florida, But First, Read These Headlines

How About, Florida Deputies Pull Naked Man From Alligator's Jaws? or

this: Feds Collect Giant Rats in Florida? And don't forget what's

not if Florida, but still: His sister in danger, 4-year-old plays hero.

All part of todays vital news for people who need news.

Road Trip To Anderson S.C.
I road-tripped to S.C. to visit Mom again, and she's hanging in there, thanks. There's more pain, more pain medicine, but we had a nice visit and talk, and I drove back home last night. She remains in the Hospice facility, receiving excellent care, and I was able to connect with her nurse after I informed them that I was an RN. So now I can call for updates and get a direct line on Mom's condition.

The Drive
The dominant impression I have from my 3-hour drive up and 3-hours back is smell. Yeah, I go the back way from Macon, through Athens, all on 2-lanes, passing log trucks and the occasional backroad Floridian who droves way below my speed limit. But the smell, or should I say smells. The tangy smell of fresh-killed skunk hit me in the face while passing a large soil and mulch farm, which didn't smell much better than the skunk. I passed several cow pastures and got the waft of, well, cow pies. And the final blow was something that smelled like cows with indigestion producing a new, more pungent methane that left a residue in my nose for a few miles.

The Meal
I got a double cheese burger from Pete's Drive-In in Anderson, and it was a true hamburger made from beef instead of whatever Mickey-D's uses. Even though I told them to leave the bacon off and there was no salt on the fries, it did the trick. Kept me awake for almost an hour on the road, then I got sleepy and wondered why I didn't get a nap or something. But I made it home through the mist of a humid night of 72° here in my beloved South.

Save It

Yo, I got the news and da blues
at the same time and can't rhyme
Bush is Bush sending troops
steada ni--as playin hoops
see I got the equation and a
burnin sensation like I had befo
but now Lady Liberty's a ho that I sco
cause my boys playin g.i. joe
gettin toe up by mohamid and his backpack
turnin babies into gak-splat
so listen my brotha save yo motha
a trip and stay hip, watch the grip of
the man wants you to shoot
and wear his combat boots
know what i'm sayin are ya prayin
fo this war to end

know what I'm sayin, its like, I'm prayin
fo this war to end.

-Shangsta Pop3
from the album (No Way Up)

Stu Exclusive Interview: Kings of Leon

*(via speakerphone at 4am today)
stu: Hey guys, thanks for the interview.
KOL: No problem, stu, shoot.

stu: I'm googling Kings of Leon and finding your rise to stardom a bit elusive. I keep reading about the 88 Olds that your UPC preacher dad evangelized in, and I'm picturing these 3 boys in the back seat with pillows, bored out of their skull.
KOL: Yeah, except we weren't bored, we were taking life one adventure at a time.

stu: So, you're growing up in this big blue 88 sled, sitting on the pew every night listening to dad preach, and the next minute you're opening the show for U2 in the UK. There's a huge gap in between.
KOL: Yeah, fast forward but leave out the part about all the hard work we put into making the band a go.

stu: Funny, but everything I read about you guys mentions the UPC, sort of like, you're the preacher's kids-gone-bad and now play rock-and-roll. Sort of frames the bad-boy image for you doesn't it?
KOL: We can't deny our past, but we'd rather look at the right now, writing songs, performing, enjoying a little fame. We're the opposite of what we were raised to be, and that's embarrasing sometimes, you know, when Mom's around.

stu: Seems to me that you totally rejected your upbringing, the years spent in the car on the road, and Kings of Leon is sort of the answer to that anger about those years. Seems like y'all are surprised by how quickly you turned that anger into an overnight success.
KOL: Stu, I wouldn't call it anger cause we're not mad and we don't hate our folks, but those years created us, y'know, the band and what we stand for.

stu: And what I'm hearing is some funk-rock sounding like garage band music played by guys who like to rock. Could it be that fun was missing from those days in the 88?
KOL: Not unless you leave out the preacher's daughters [laughter].

stu: So, I'm asssuming here that you guys won't be featured musical guests at Youth Congress 2007, and I was wondering what reaction you'll get when Because of the Times album comes out, since the title is an obvious reference to the Apostolic conference of the same name.
KOL: I guess we'll see. Good thing they liked us in the UK...

(This concludes Part 1 of the exclusive KOL interview *[or was it only a dream?] Next: fall from grace)

How Could I Forget?
For some reason, my brain kicked up a memory from the not so distant past: Radiant Magazine is out (been out) and the editor is one of our own: CB. Radiant's own blurb is "Life from the inside out," meaning that what's inside a [woman] is what counts, namely a Christian experience. I plan to subscribe for my wife, and will probably scan articles to see what I'm missing from a man's perspective. CB's been associate editor at ninetyandnine.net since its birth, was hired as associate at the birth of Relevant magazine, and is now the founder and editor-in-chief of Radiant. Girl, and to think that we used to email every blue moon or so.

Georgia Mountain Sunset

Stu's RN Nightshift Revisited
Last week, I wrapped up month #7 as a new Registered Nurse, working in the ER after ending my career with the Macon Fire Department as a paid employee. No, I don't want to go back to the ole FD, and I don't miss it, either. I miss some of the guys I worked with, but the faces all changed when they promoted some 80 guys to new status and jumbled them all up in new stations. I miss driving Engine #103 sometimes, too.

The big question for now is whether or not I think I can continue working nights, since it messes up everything that I use to believe was normal. I don't have trouble sleeping, but I do staying awake, like in church last night, for example. I sacked out between services and my wife had to practically drag me out of bed. I thought it was Monday morning and couldn't figure out why I had to wake up so dang early.

Stuff Bothers Me
Some of the stuff that bothers me is doing critical care, things they do in the ICU, but since there ain't no rooms available at times, we have to hold them in the ER, or, Emergency Room. I'm talking multi-system failure, the Vent®, sedative drips and surgical procedures. A young woman patient miscarried last week, went to surgery for procedures but the produit de concepcion was left behind in a little plastic cup. I picked it up and looked in the eyes of a fetus, about 1-inch long, and wanted to cry for the little feller. Stuff like that.

Faces Change in ER, Too
Since April, some 26 nurses have left for other hospitals or positions. My best bud went to day shift last week, but I still have my bud from Nigeria. I love nights working with my extern buds because we're all learning together and helping each other out: teamwork. I still have to ask the veterans plenty of questions, but feel like I'm getting into the swing for the most part. So I guess there'll be a new crop of folks filling in all the empty spots soon, but right now we're all working overtime to make up for the gaps. Overtime is good on payday.

Don't Call This Guy a Nurse
Actually, I don't have any problems being called nurse, and so far no one thinks I'm gay for that fact. With guy nurses in general, once you scratch the surface, there's usually some EMT or Paramedic in his background. But the face of nursing is changing gender-wise, as males are filling in for the huge vacancies left by retiring nurses and the female population who are choosing other majors, such as bidness, marketing, and finance, to name a few. Too bad they're not checking into the fact that nursing pays good, better than entry-level business majors. Us guys'll take it from here.

And Speaking of Females
Certain procedures in the ER can only be performed with a female present, for legal and policy purposes. Figure out which ones for yourself. So we ask female techs or other nurses to help out, and it is often a hassle to do so. But the overall landscape of females in my workspace is good, considering I worked with a 100% male staff at the ole Fire Department. Most female co-workers are helpful and self-confident, while others see male presence as a hostile takeover, and keep their distance and attitude accordingly. Some simply need to quit and take up a new career, say, in polar research.

Don't Forget My Beloved
Did I mention my beloved, my wife, in all this? Oops. Yeah, she does have a say, and she's used to me being gone nights from the ole FD days. She's been a great wife, cooking meals ahead encrockpotte or fridge so all I have to do is crank up the oven, or else sling it on a plate. She sees some of my patients upstairs, after they get transferred to ICU, and we talk about patient care in general. She's a great teacher, and I can say those kinds of things about her since she never reads this blog. We're working together to pay off debts, loosely following Dave Ramsey, so one day she can look forward to full-time mom.

The Road Goes On
After all the info I delivered to you, faithful reader of House Calls, rest assured that I feel like I made the right decision to be an RN. When I'm in my niche, Level II or Fastrackin', I love my job and the work and the pay and the people. It really is a people job, and I try to treat folks the way I would want to be treated if I went to the ER feeling rotten as a patient (sound familiar?). I had the chance to pray with a few patients recently, and don't know how they were affected, but they seemed to appreciate my gesture. In fact, there is an opportunity when assessing each new patient to discuss their religious preferences. Looks like a window of opportunity I need to explore more.

Dave Barry's Holiday Gift Guide 2006
The only thing better than Dave Barry's Annual Gift Guide is Dave Barry's Year-in-Review. So check out these wacky gifts that were selected for three reasons by Dave and his staff:
1. The item must exist and be for sale. 2. The item must be somewhat affordable(relatively speaking) and 3. It must cause the buyer to go, "Huh?" You'll have to create an account to be able to view them all, but the snow cab is worth the effort.

A Gift For Your Loved One
I credit my source (the V.) with this one: a frog dissection kit for the one you love this year. The headline is even funnier: U.S. Shoppers Hopping Mad Over Kit. Even though it was removed from the shelves, I can assure you I won't be ordering one off ebay. I mean, what would Kermit think?

Four-Wheelin' Hazardous To Your Health
I was in the Level 1 Critical area last night and took care of two patients, both old enough to be granpas, injured on four-wheelers. I get the scenario: Grandpa eats too much on Thanksgiving, the youth get him involved in football or some other activity he has no business getting into and VOILA! A free trip to the Emrgency Room! Well, I don't know about free, but a concussion, punctured lung, cracked ribs and broken shoulder guarantee you a few nights in the hospital recovering.

Thanksgiving Weekend For Me
One of the ER docs catered Thanksgiving dinner last night (Thursday) and it was homemade stuff, fantastic, and a welcomed meal since I didn't partake otherwise that day: I slept. The family is having our traditional dinner tomorrow (Saturday), so I'm ready to hunker down again. I wrote an article a few years ago about one Thanksgiving at the firehouse. Here it is again, if you'd like to read it. And have a great Thanksgiving Weekend!

Right On Time For Thanksgiving
This year, to add to your dining pleasure, the inventors of turkey and gravy soda have produced a new flavor: pea-flavored soda. Now please notice that it's spelled pea with an a signifying a small green vegetable that rolls off your plate. But still, the thought of any Thanksgiving item made into a soda leaves me sprinting for the Zantac. Thanks to my Nor'Eastern informer, who may have already bought a case of this stuff to give out as Christmas gifts.

Stu's Famous Recipe Kroger-Sack Turkey Revealed
I found my own recipe, the one I use anyhow, on my first Google page after the search grocery bag turkey. This is my Aunt V's recipe, and the last one she ever gave me. It is by far the easiest recipe in the world, and yields one fine bird. SO, when your needermayer bagboy shrieks "Paper or plastic" at you this week, reply paper please. You then have the materials for the juiciest tenderest turkey you ever ate. Oh, and don't forget the bird.

One Reason Not To Deep-fry Your Turkey

Stu's Choice of the Week, Thanksgiving 2006
I just read a story, a true one, about a girl's gift and sacrifice that returned to her multiplied. This week, I wish that we all could be more like her when it comes to faith in God and a willingness and joy in giving. America stands on the precipice of consumer rage and a season where one will fire bullets into another in order to procure the latest gizmo or gift for their child or self. Perhaps we, too, should stop adding "Merry Christmas" to every goodbye in the month of December, since Christmas has been almost entirely replaced with Consumerism. But first read what happens when love translates into faith.

Ted Haggard Satire Explained
Last week, an article I linked you, House Callers, to was not interpreted as satire by some of the reading and perhaps non-skilled audience. In the apologetics vein, the author of that piece, in his own blog, performs some literary surgery to help those who were inflamed and confused by it's genre and intent. Dr. E, you have the floor.

Thanksgiving Week Already, and Look Who's Running
We'll be eating T-Day Dinner on Saturday this year because of schedule constraints. But that won't slow me down from eating turkey—wild, or steroid-injected-pen-raised-protein/hormone-fed. Either way...I'm game. The craziest fad, and I do say fad, is deep-fried turkey, which is becoming a mainstay in the redneck diet of Mid-Georgians. Fried turkey is basically a low fat meat transformed into a high-fat meat, and don't believe those stories about cooking in peanut oil making it healthy. Remember: I'm married to a Registered Dietitian, and she knows the chemistry of food.

Calories burned wile reading this article: 2. 871

WeightWatcher Points® for traditional baked turkey: 2

Weight Watcher Points® for deep-fried turkey: 238

Stu Report On Granny ER Takeover And Other True Stories.
Life in the ER has been great these past four nights, even though I had to (ugh) miss both Sunday services. There was much talk via the grapevine about my Jackie-Chan-high-kickin' grandmaw I had for a patient. The tech who was watching her after our shift was a 6'6", 340lbs guy, and grandmaw got in two face shots with her foot. "She blindsided me when I was tying my shoe, and she got me twice," stated the big guy. "She" being a 103 year-old grandmother of 13 children and over 100 grandchildren. With a mean right foot.

More incredible news this week:

*A (female) ER nurse driving home after nightshift flipped and, thus, totaled her truck.

*There must've been a new record for mental health patients last week. We're mainstreaming them now into regular ER rooms.

*I put in 60 hours (nights). Paying off school loans right now.

SO you see, in a nutshell, that my life is bizarre, but I love God, need God, and depend on God, namely Jesus, to help me through a week like last week. And with that I bid you a good morning House Callers and Ninetyandnine.netters out there and a

Good Night.

-Stu

100+ Year-old Granny Attempts Hostile ER Takeover
I kid you not: I saw a 100+ year-old granny brought in after paramedics chased her down the hall at the nursing home and dodged her fists. She was medicated enroute, slept for a while, then got free of restraints, climbed out of bed, and whizzed the tv remote/call light at the doctor's head and missed by less than 12 inches. She also demonstrated a perfect judo kick to the chin of a 6-footer female tech, and it took four grown men to help her back in bed. Believe it happened.

Pres. Bush to Voodoo Man: I'll sic Dick Cheney On You
While traveling in Indonesia, as you may have heard already, a Voodoo practitioner attempted to put a curse on our present president George W. "Tex" Bush IVX. The voodoologist became angry after President Bush apparently tried to order "some of them jerk chicken wings" from the man, forgetting that he was not at that moment, in Jamaica.

Your Tax Dollars At Work
It seems lately at work at the ER (nights) that many patients are coming in with high blood levels of alcohol, they get expensive labs and diagnostic tests run on them, and they're uninsured. Most patients smoke cigartettes, have a lifetime habit of doing so, and throw in some recreational drug use, and there you have it: Joe ER Patient.

Then, there's the mental health patient population that is a mainstay of ER nursing. I've seen some truly mentally ill and probably demon posessed folk in my care. No insurance either for them. But many are living on disability because of their mental "illness."

I'm thinking: Are most patients hospitalized because of bad habits? The answer I'm finding out more and more is: yes.

Macon, Georgia's Answer To Flat Screen TV

The Answer:

Cool
Building
Art

Two Different Headlines on 11/14/06

Armed Gangs Breach Security to Kidnap 100 Iraqis - CNN.com

Iraqi Gunmen Kidnap 150 Workers From Research Site - FoxNews.com

So...was it 100 workers, or 150??????

Today's Headlines on the Netster

Dozens Are Kidnapped at Baghdad University -NY Times

Group Weighs Options to Stabilize Fragile Iraq - NPR

Gangs of Gunmen Grab 100 Iraqui Gov't Workers - CNN

Iraqi Gunmen Kidnap 150 Workers From Research Site - Fox News

Accident Reported at Fort Hill and Shurling - Macon Telegraph & News

Stealthy Scare at St. Charles County School - St. Louis Dispatch (St. Louis was recently named Most Dangerous City in U.S.)

Top Story: The Straight On Ted Haggard
Read the stuff on Ted Haggard and why he wouldn't be happening in our midst if checkpoints were in place. Those in power fall hard sometimes, but the writing was already on the wall from the beginning, according to the author of The Ted Haggard Tragedy: It Doesn't Happen Here. So see for yourself why bad things happen to weak people. Check it out at ninetyandnine.net on Monday, only a few mo' days before Thanksgiving.

A Church Full of Air Guitarists!
I found a story at NY Times this morning about an invention that's a t-shirt with motion sensors in the sleeves that will turn air guitar into actual music. Now imagine a church full 'o fokes playing air guitar, all the sounds wired into the main sound system! It will either be terribly good or terribly bad. But I guess you could say that many bands are incredibly bad without the assistance of voice and instrument enhancers, amplifiers, and reverberators, just to mention a few. Take Shakira, for example.

May I Introduce You?
I've never introduced you to one of our pets, namely, Cooki the dwarf hamster (see left). This guy's got loads of personality and loves to be held and petted. He has a hamster ball which gives him 360° of mobility, which he uses to...smack into the cat. He'll get up speed and slam right into Mr. Kitty, our other pet. He also likes to divebomb off of any furniture placed on, no matter the height! Cooki has no fear!

Monday...AGAIN???
Mornin' to all you folks out there in blogland. I just checked out ninetyandnine.net for new articles and...the new zine is UP! More Borat stuff, Ted Haggard's issues, and who kisses on the first date, or not. I worked Saturday night and the worst story of the night is several patients, including a child, who were riding in a horse-and-buggy in a parade, finished and turned down a road to leave...when an 18-wheeler toppped the hill and never saw them. Sounds macabre, but unfortunately, it's a true story.

How Do You Like My Hair (She asks)?

More Borat Stuff at Collideoscope
If you need-to-read more stuff on this whole Borat thing where he films his experience inside an Apostolic camp meeting, then check out what they're saying over at Collideoscope. There is a point about blasphemy vs. ignorance you won't want to miss. Find out today why Borat has stirred up the ant hill at ninetyandnine.net, the web zine where your opinion counts and your vote will end the war.

And take a smile break.

Will
The Real
Groucho
Marx
Please
Stand Up

And Speaking Of Tongues...
In this Tuesdays NY Times Science section there is an article on what happens to the brain when a person is speaking in tongues (parleint en le langues, in french). It is a fair look at the phenomenon that occurs in the brain during a session of tongue speaking. One of the authors of the study is a "born again" Christian who practices tongue speaking herself.

When I say fair, I mean that it was research to discover how the brain is affected, and they found that the frontal lobe was sort of "in neutral" during tongues. They also revealed that there is less mental illness among those who participate in tongues, and the positive changes in the brain were much, much different than other religion practices such as meditation.

The lead photo tends to steer the reader into thinking that speaking in tongues is mainly relegated to the pages of the National Geographic, with a woman wearing third world attire standing and praying inside a galvanized tin shack for a church. But read it for fun and to understand that we're not zombies and we do have some control while practicing our prayer of tongues.

More Borat Stuff at Ninetyandnine.net!
Here's a great mid-week article released because of all the talk about the Borat movie. From the few YouTube clips I watched, the guy is insane, and looking for laughs at the expense of anyone. But does it hurt what happened? Read it here.

Election Hoopla Over!
I don't know 'bout you, but my answering machine has been working overtime collecting the mud-slinging campaigns of Georgia. The main reason I voted was to oust an incumbent Dem congressman, but he scraped by with 51%, 99% of polls reporting, absentees not yet counted. But the phone kept ringing and the elocutionary monologue begins on my answering machine...

click...Hello, I'm calling to tell you that Jim Marshall is scum, and lower than a whale's belly on the bottom of the ocean. He wants all of Mexico to become U.S. citizens and terrorists to have rights. Jim Marshall is being investigated for several crimes involving domestic animals, and his voting record shows a clear tie to Atlanta mafia activity. This announcement paid for by friends of the other guy who loves babies and apple pie, so vote today, before the democrats take over and there will only be unisex bathrooms in every baseball stadium and public facility.

But I do want a runoff if the count is close. I've got plenty of space left on the answering machine.

Borat Borat Borat!
What's up with this Borat guy and his movie with a scene of him supposedly receiving the Holy Spirit? Has comedy gone too far, or did the unsuspecting actor have a genuine experience? I was reading over at Collideoscope about the whole thang, but the link was dead to the Matt Lauer interview, and the youtube link stated that the clip had been removed by request from 20th Century Fox.

So, let's step back a moment and look at this event. Comedian makes a movie, attempting to find the "true" America, even though his assumptions are tainted by a television viewpoint, in my opinion. Sounds like the only channel Borat watches is MTV. He sneaks his camera into a church service, and sincere folks pray for him. It seems to me that Borat has indeed caught a true glimpse of our country at that point, whether pretending or not.

I remember watching the Blues Brothers when I was a kid, and there was a church* service where folks were jumping up and down, dancing in the aisles, one guy was jumping like he was on a trampoline, and Belushi did backflips all the way to the front door after "seeing the light" at the altar. That was my favorite part of the movie, and I had never been in a Pentecostal worship type of church in my life. And when I did show up, the whole thing wasn't as foreign to me because of the Blues Brothers.

Believe it or not.


*James Brown was the preacher.

Vote Today!

Did I Mention VOTE???
Remember when Mr. Whitaker told that story about the one guy who voted and his candidate won the election because of one vote? Yeah, I was thinking about it, too. And don't act like you don't know who Mr. Whitaker is either. SO, if you're 18 years of age, remember:

1. You have the right to vote, so register.
2. You may be drafted in time of war.
3. You may not purchase or drink alcoholic beverages in most states, which is a good thing, since it will probably keep you from making a hasty decision to enlist in the armed forces, or vote for the wrong candidate. At least until you're 21.

Tongue Talking Not On Top Ten List of Favorite Barstool Activities
For those of us who have heard it said that speaking in tongues is of the devil, A wise person, or wise pastor (W.P.) put it this way: If tongues were of the devil, then everyone sitting at the bar on a Friday night would be having a great time speaking in tongues. So I therefore assist that assumption with this certified Top Ten List of barstool activities:

10. Asking for directions to the restroom.
9. Speaking to inanimate objects such as television set, ashtray, etc.
8. Making lewd remarks to female waitress.
7. Lighting wrong end of cigarette.
6. Ordering drinks for you and new friend.
5. Asking waitress if she "comes here often."
4. Telling jokes we've all heard before.
3. Waving at new patrons entering establishment and yelling, WHOO!
2. Asking bartender for a match (he answers:his socks and your breath)
1. Ordering more drinks.

So, as you clearly see in this Top Ten List of certified barstool activities, talking in tongues is not mentioned, not even in a reference or hint.

Not For The Faint Of Heart
I received a hot tip last night from T.V. which does not stand for television, but he is my source for many worthy news items I often pass along to you, the unsuspecting but faithful reader of my humble and often deviant blog. The word is this: procreation vacation. * No, you won't be hearing an evolution vs. creation sermon, but will be assisted in making babies! Prices for 3 nights in the Bahamas at a posh resort start at $1893.00 but is still way cheaper than adoption. There will be special meals and drinks served that may help in the conception process.

*Your mileage may vary. Results not guaranteed without a written note from Al Gore, who invented the internet, so he claims. No pictures of Hillary Clinton allowed on the vacation, as it may dampen procreation efforts.

Blogville U.S.A. and The Rest Of The World
I was waiting to log on to blogger this morning and tagged the little revolving links to different blogs. I'm convinced more now than ever that the world is bored more than I ever imagined. Notice I didn't say boring, but bored. I don't recommend anyone stab at blogs like I did, unless of course you have the day off and feel like watching the paint peel.

Holy COWWWWWAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRR!
Check out this link to ninetyandnine.net for a look at amazing cars, trucks and buses that go either land or water. Go to Fun Links a the bottom right hand corner for the link to Holy Cars.

Election Week, Capital Punishment, and ninetyandnine.net
That's right. Read all about it here on House Calls, or truck over to ninetyandnine.net. Have a great Monday while you're at it! Did I mention vote? Well, if you're 18 and don't vote then please don't whisper one critical comment about your local, state, or federal government elected officials, because tomorrow is the day to make choices. By the way, the latest edition of ninetyandnine is UP AND RUNNING FOR NOVEMBER 6, 2006! Check it out today.

My Question Of The Day
I was wondering...why is it that no matter how far back we go and find the typical man wearing a suit, we fast forward and find the progressive un-dressing of woman? I mean, the guy has the coat and pants, dress shirt with necktie and shoes, while the poor woman looks like something in a sci-fi flick where she is subjected to a nuclear blast in slow-motion, peeling the layers from her until she passes from dressed—to skeleton. No, I'm not commenting on the ultra-thin celebs right now, I'm talking the consistent and continual march of women into less clothes.

New Suit On ebay At Bargain Price!
I typed in "new suit," then "highest price first" and got this bargain on ebay at only $1899.95! TH