Stu's Weight Loss Plan, Beaver in New York Again, Flags a Winner
Sorry to jam up all my thoughts here in one headline, but the headline news that Beaver Found In New York is simply earth shattering! Apparently, in a sighting as rare as Ted Kennedy at the Chappaquiddick bridge, a beaver avec dam has been spotted in the Bronx, NY after a 200 year absence. This is definitely alarming, since the tree has been extinct in New York City for the last 250 years.

We watched Flags of Our Fathers last night, I'm almost finished with the book, and the battle scenes were great in the film. Looks like director Clint took his liberty to make several political statements that detracted from the greatest battle to ever take place on a rock. Flags should be read by every red-blooded American before reaching the age of eighteen, in my opinion, of course. I plan to read it at least twice in a row.

Last of all, in the vein of other bloggers who share their debt reduction technique a la blog, I had the crazy idea to do a personal weight loss campaign here at House Calls, to 1. get healthy and 2. share my success (or failure) with the rest of blogland who would otherwise be shelling peas. Let me know what you think!

Tribute To Lee Ann
For all those duct tape fans who have been having withdrawals after Lee Ann's career change...here's one for ya. Called HMO on a Roll. All the ways to use duct tape in a medical emergency or for treatment in new ways never before thought possible. Note: House Calls does not recommend using any of these cures without first consulting an MD or palm reader, whichever comes first.

And Now A Word About...Veins

In my line of work as an ER RN (nurse), I (male) have a problem connecting to some of my patients, in a hematological sort of way. In other words, some patients have invisible veins, which makes it nearly impossible to draw blood or insert an IV. So why am I bringing this to your attention (readers of House Calls)? First, lower your arm and look at the inside of your elbow and forearm. See any blue thingys, otherwise known as veins? If you do, then you're in good shape, at least in my book. But if for some reason you see nothing but skin and probably fat, even on the backs of your hands, then I would classify you as problematic, in the field of healthcare, that is.

Q: What do I do if I have no visible veins?
A: Lose weight, lift weight, and wait.

Q: What if I'm not an obese person, but I see no veins a'tall?
A: Well, I believe that some simple strength training exercises focusing on the bicep will cure that. Look a the veins on someone who strength-trains on a regular basis, and you will see veins on their arms, good ones. For women, prominent veins and strong-looking hands are the new sexy for the millenium.

Q: What about persons of color?
A: Color doesn't hide veins, but blubber will.

Q: How will having good veins help me, Stu?
A: Good veins means I won't have to stick you but one time to draw blood and insert an I.V. catheter. I have had patients that required as many as 12 or more attempts before finding a vein. So unless you're into serious body piercing, get veins.

This public message was made possible by RN's and Phlebotomists everywhere.

A Treat to Classic Photos
Click here.

Some Folks I Wouldn't Buy a Used Car From This Week

Mawnin'! Monday Mawnin'
I think I'll traipse over to ninetyandnine. net to peruse a few articles this morning before hitting the shower and sack in that order, after my third 12 hour shift in the Emergency Room in a row this weekend. I should catch some sun this afternoon if'n I get up on time. I'll let DB spill the Oscar news, and my good friend The V, or Chessiwallika (Ole Frozen Shoes) give me some snow details about the storm up East. And I see that there is a fellow Deep South blogger at 90&9 this week...can't wait to see who it is. But then again, if it t'warnt for a few friends and the alto section at Haven of Rest nursing home, I'd barely have a crowd reading my stuff. At least I can steer you to some good reading material. You thank?

Only 5 Shopping Days Left!

...to make your own short film and submit it to ninetyandnine.net's first ever contest! Don't delay, send it in now or the last day, February 28th. You can't win if you don't enter the fun and games.

Flaming Youth Will Set the World On Fire
..Or so goes a really bad song from the 70's by a band I'll fail to mention here. But I heard Brother M.M. from St. Pete Florida say that young folk should be our focus, since those 21+ are pretty much set in their ways. If you think that Youth Ministry is important, then please read what Mrs. JLS has to say about it. She states:

"Society offers them gleaming technologies, funky beats, and powerhouse fun, and we’re supposed to compete with our folding chairs, podium, and 45-minute spiritual speeches?

I agree with her and other points she makes in her article at ninetyandnine.net this week. So read it today if it's snowing (or not).

Meanwhile, In the Land of Snow & Ice...
In Macon today, where the high should reach 67° by this afternoon, snow and ice is but a distant dream, precipitation seen in movies but rarely witnessed live. On the other hand, my good friend JZ (see photo right) is waist deep in the stuff, yet smiling, which may lead one to believe that perhaps he was showering and jumped off the top deck into the snowbank.

Life (and God) is Good
Hello Readers of Blog and participants in the Human Race! May you run long, find your wind, and win the journey. Me, I'm playing golf, unlike my northern friend "The V" who has to sprint from his house to the car else his shoes freeze to the ground and, well, things could get ugly quick. It's also a great day for a round of frisbee golf played in the Rose Hill cemetary in Macon, at least, I did while in school at Mercer University, also know as Tattnall Tech. There are steep hills, dramatic overlooks, a cave, a river and the tombs of Duane Allman and Berry Oakley side-by-side. Not to mention plenty o' Southern sunshine.

Take Home All the Cash For Film
In case you haven't heard, there's a contest going on over at ninetyandnine.net, a short film, youtubish category of short film that is open to anyone that can sling a camera. Read the contest details here and then get busy shooting and editing your idea. There are ca$h prizes, plus your winning film will be posted for several weeks on the zine for all to see. In other words: this can be your 15 minutes of fame.

Thoreau, Sir Isaac Newton, and trinity
I was reading over at ninetyandnine.net this morning and saw some of my favorite hot topics, some that go way back in my self-education of life. The word Walden caught my eye in one of the blogger's posts about tossing the ipod and finding Walden or sump'n like that. I followed the link to a Relevant mag article and it looked as though the author's knowledge of Thoreau was wikipedia deep. Not that I'm a scholar, mind you, but Walden is not about tuning out civilization, but tuning in with nature and the lessons that the natural world can teach.

But please, let me step off my soapbox before a crowd of tomato tossers gathers.

My next item is Newton, the guy who invented gravity, er, discovered it. I have read in several college libraries and I can tell you that the information is scant at best. Newton was implicit in the fact that a trinity of God is a mathematical improbability, and was a mere concept created by "papists." Newton stirred the proverbial hornet's nest with his take on the errant concept of a trinity, and had to lay low late in life to avoid not only tomato tossers, but jail or worse.

Both Newton and Walden were men who had courage to stand for their convictions, and dedication to spend time contemplating the serious issues of life on Planet Earth. I agree that we cannot walk around with our brain muted with music fuzz all day, creating some euphoric, rose-colored view of our mundane lives whilst we walk among men. But I also believe that turning introspect (sans ipods) still keeps us unplugged from people and society. We Aps are a shy bunch of introverts, so ipodded or ipodless we cannot afford to remain in a state of exclusion from the rest of the world of people.

It's time to fish or cut bait.

Former Daughter of Islam
For some reason, I felt like mentioning that this is happening to many Islamic women who find that maybe there is more to life than what they were told growing up. Interesting piece in Christianity Today Online you can read here.

Another Great Book About a Guy From Georgia
WHILE I'm on the subject, here's a great read about a Georgia boy turned soldier who escapes the death march of Bataan and makes it all the way to Australia...in a tiny boat!

My ER Patients
Remember when I mentioned the book yesterday on WWII I was reading ? Well, just so happens that I had 2 (not 1, but 2) WWII veterans for patients last night at work at the same time! The first guy told me how he was army, and missed the invasion of mainland Japan by one week via an administrative glitch. The second gentleman related his story: the Japanese navy surrounded his army transport ship and he was captured and held prisoner for 4 years! I told both guys how much I appreciated them for their service to our country, and I tried to be a great RN for the few hours they were in my care.

If you
could have two
questions
answered
by God,
what
would
they be?
Your answer needed at ninetyandnine.net survey!

Under the Weather
I got a dose of the 24 hour flu or somethng this weekend, and finally had to speak to the sickness, and it went away. I wonder how many times I've waited on someone else to pray for me, when I could have claimed authority for myself? This may be a new concept, but bear with me: it works. Details upon request.

The Three Ugliest Cars EVER

Right Now, I'm Halfway Finished Reading...
Another great WWII book, this one, Flags of our Fathers is about the Marines landing on Iwo Jima. The book has a slow startup, laying the groundwork behind each character. But when they hit the beach, this is one tough book to put down. I haven't rented the dvd yet, but hoping to complete the book, first. So, please, whenever possible: hug a WWII vet today!

Stu's Church Website of the Week
Okay, so I'm going there in a few weeks, but you have to admit, this site is non-threatening, and has sexy sermons to boot! Check it out here.

HEY YOU!

Ninetyandnine.net MOVED temporarily to ninetyandnine.com
...But for today only, due to some technical glitches, thus saith my editor. So mosey on over to the .com and set a spell, especially good read about the Kristen Hoover Wife Swap post-interview. All should be kosher by tomorrow, or possibly late this evening, Monday, February 19, 2007.

Stay tuned for stu's church site of the week.

Have a Listen at NPR
Just read this about a new book by a woman that warns young women about the emotional disaster of hooking up before marriage and the scars and life problems it produces. WARNING: some straight talk but necessary talk about se_ and how so many are duped into believing that love is somehow secured by se_. Have a listen or check out the book at amazon today.

9 MILLION VIEWERS!

Congrats to the Hoovers for going boldly where no Ap family has gone before! ABC announced that this Monday's show was the highest rated Wife Swap EVER! Please check out here for more details. But it is mind boggling to thnk that 9 million Americans had an inside look into the life and home of an Apostolic family, and the chance to see the contrast with another family. As editor KdC predicts, I agree that this media exposure could have far reaching results. This could be the year of APs in the media. My hat's off to the Hoovers. Great job!

Stu Headed to California
That's right, and sorry for the lack of blogging lately, but stu's heading to San Fran, California in a couple of weeks, so if any of you SF'ers know a Stompin' Church let me know. So for now I'm putting in overtime and making reservations and the like. Thanks for your patience with House Calls, and hopefully soon I'll write something memorable or at least laughable.

Wife Swap

I did see the first 10 minutes or so of the Wife Swap on ABC last night, but it was too painful to watch. I've seen the show once before (five m inutes worth), and I can only see my personal solution to living with strange people would involve firearms. Which is why I would not be tempted to apply. But for the little I did see and have read about, our dear sister did incredibly well, held up her faith and lifestyle with dignity and grace, plus 9 milllion viewers have now seen that , yes Virginia, there is such thing as a Christian family.

Congrats to the Hoovers for going boldly where no Apostolic has gone before. May the Force be with you.

Official Inane Statement of the Week
How many times have you seen or heard an official, usually of law enforcement nature, blab out some official sounding statement at the scene of an accident or natural disaster? For example, after Hurricane Katrina flooded New Orleans a FEMA executive might have said, "At this time none of the residents are able to drive, except for boats." Doesn't quite make sense, does it? Well, here's the one I found this morning at News of the Weird, about a truck containing 165,000 eggs that turned over in Northern Virginia:

"It looked like a large omelet," said Michael Karbonski, of the Virginia Department of Transportation.

Okay, the DOT official pulls up in his company car, jumps out and instantly a microphone is stuck in his face. I'm sorry, but 165,000 cracked eggs lying in the road does not in any way resemble an omelet. An omelet is fluffy and yellow and has cheese, bacon, or other stuff inside.
So what was he thinking? Maybe he had to leave the Waffle House in too big a hurry.

But thank goodness for VDOT spokeswoman Joan Morris, who arrived later and stated the eggs made their way to a drainage ditch, creating "a river of yellow yolk." Yeah, I can live with a river of yellow yolk. But I bet you can't say...

RIVER OF YELLOW YOLK
RIVER OF YELLOW YOLK
RIVER OF YELLOW YOLK

...real fast three times! Try it!

A Wife-Swapping Apostolic Pentecostal Woman???

Surely you jest! But no, one of our own dear ladies has indeed made history tonight as her life will be broadcast on ABC for all the world to see. She will swap homes with a punk rock family (but not bedrooms) for a week on the show Wife Swap, and the obvious differences should cause much hilarity! Not only that, but to give the television-viewing world an insider look at an Apostolic home is a huge vessel for outreach.

Of course, there are those who would disagree with me, but they are the same folk that voted against bringing drums into the church (say what?). Ninetyandnine.net chief editor Kent Curry has already provided a short interview of the wife-swapping sister and you can read it here. Plus, the other blogs at ninetyandnine.net have bits and pieces of stories surrounding this television event.

Last of all, my hat's off to you, dear sister, who had the courage to apply to the show, then star in it, unrehearsed, in hopes that a lost America can see that there is goodness in the world, that there is such a thing as clean living, that people really do care. You represent me and all the others out there who stand behind you in your effort, your God-inspired effort to open the doors to Pentecost a little wider.

Attention: Easy-Bake Oven RECALL
On February 6, 2007, millions of Easy-Bake ovens were recalled due to burn hazards and the possibility of little hands getting caught in the opening. Man, and all this time I thought that was what was SUPPOSED to happen while playing with the Easy-Bake! Product attorneys take note, and please contact me at this blog. Statutes may have expired though.

I remember my friend Nancy in the first grade had an Easy-Bake and every time she made a little cake we'd pull it out and get our fingers burned, or else get them stuck in the oven slot. Plus, I have my daughter on video baking a little Easy-Bake cake, with Mom's voice in the background purring, "No don't touch the door yet, keep your fingers away..." until YOW! she burns her finger and promptly sticks it (finger) in her 98.6° mouth. So, I have a history of burnt Easy-Bake fingers in my family.

One more thing: this product was invented in the 60's as an instrument to introduce little Baby-Boomer girls to the joys of Not Having To Cook. I mean, break open a box of Betty Crocker powder, add eggs, oil and water and VOILA! A cake that tastes great, better, even, than home made? How cool is that, Rachael Ray?

Note: Be sure and watch the accompanying video with the link provided above. Spine tingling!

Valentine's Day is WEDNESDAY, GUYS!
Hey, if you're a guy, like me, then the earliest you'll think about Valentine's Day, VD for short, is Wednesday afternoon, around time to go home and face the wife, girlfriend, or whomever is the love in your life. Most of the chocolate stuff is way picked over by that time, so bite the bullet and buy one of those big expensive heart-boxes that none of the early buyers opted for. Flowers are always nice if delivered to her workplace, since all the other gals at work will be admiring the flowers their guy sent, while your lady sits miffed at the absence of flowers on her desk. I'm trying to save you all from major grief, so get your lame carcass into the store NOW and purchase that VD gift and card, using Strunk and Whites Guide to Writing to enable you to write appropriate sentiments inside the card. Otherwise, the couch may be comfortable after all. To rehash Stu's guide to Valentine's Day:

1. Buy your gift and card early (now).
2. If you forget, send flowers to her workplace.
3. Let it all be a surprise (don't hint around).
4. Getteth off thy hip.
5. Remember: it's all about her.

Hold On Thar, Hillary
I woke to NPR this morning with a recording of Hillary Clinton's campaign speech in New Hampshire, and I was certain it was a nightmare. Before she starts, I feel there are several questions that need to be addressed and points brought up that would deter any rational-minded voting citizen of these United States from casting anything but doubt Hillary's way. They include:

1. Why did you and Bill remove all the "W"s from White House keyboards?
2. Did you purposely sabotage Rudy Guiliani's plans for becoming Senator of New York by commandeering a top-secret investigation into his private life using (wrongly) FBI personnel?
3. Bill Clinton will spend four more years in the White House as First-Gentleman?
4. Why did so many folks involved in the Whitewater scandal die violent deaths?
5. Why did you steal White House furnishings and have to return them under threat of criminal investigation?

For You Fans of the Hammond B3
I found this July interview with one of the greats on the B3 organ, the instrument that has become synonymous with Ap church music in the U.S. A good friend of mine and brother G.B. is a Hammond afficionado, not only playing but repairing them as well. Be sure to have a listen to Moe Denham while reading the piece.

Should All Christian Writing Be Pretty?

Read a challenging article by one of ninetyandnine.net's favorites (mine anyway) about what good writing means, and if it should be real, polished, sanitized...or all three?

Read a Georgia Writer's Valentine Prep Piece
With Valentine's Day approaching, check out this article I found at Christianity Today online.

Did I Mention Losing Weight?
A few years ago I harped on weight loss and diets too much. Maybe since I was writing with authority ( my wife's a dietitian) people thought I was in great shape (haha). But today I am offering a new weight loss plan that is guaranteed* to help steam away those extra pounds with little effort.

1. On the floor, assemble a stack of your favorite celebrity mags and your collection of diet books (eg: Oprah's weight loss book).

2. Lift entire stack of reading material eight times, 2 seconds up, 4 down.

3. Repeat for 3 to 36 sets.

4. Weight loss guaranteed after 30 days of steps 1-3.

Oh, on the diet end, try to eat smaller portions of everything, for example: when ordering at Burger King, try ordering a kid's meal with hamburger instead of the Ultimate Triple Decker with cheese. Or, order a small wing meal at Zaxby's with 3-6 hot wings instead of the party platter for yourself. Just to name a few.


*Results not guaranteed. Yeah I know I said guaranteed before, but I mean, what do I refund? Satisfaction or double your blubber back?

Monkey Majik: Pop Hop Japan-wise

Need a dose of Japanese pop? Click here.

A Car in Every Garage, A Wife in Every Bedroom?
Skeptics of this candidate for the presidency may believe that may have grand idea about marriage, fearing a big dissension within the states. The candidate's reply: "Thats bigamy."






(Mitt & Wives)

The Circle is Complete: Dirt Floors
Hey Ma, does this mean we can track mud in the house and you won't get mad?

Okay, I'll Say Something Spiritual Now
I know that it's Wednesday, midweek, and we need a booster to make it through to Friday. So why not talk about the one-year anniversary of Cara Davis's book, Cheap Ways to Tie the Knot? The book came out on Valentine's Day 2006, and currently ranks in the top books sold on Amazon.com. Other new titles I plan to submit for publication soon include:

- How to buy a car for under $5,000.

- How to live for under $5,000 per month.

- How to plan a funeral for under $5,000.

But seriously, Cheap Ways is an incredible asset to any of you contemplating the act of marriage in the next few years, months, even days. So rush right out today and buy your own copy, or one for someone you know and love and possibly owe money. Or, click on the link above, order, and wait by your mailbox until it arrives.

Join the Mailing List for ninetyandnine.net Today!!!
Just in case you're braindead, like me, on a Monday morning, java hasn't kicked in yet, then you will notice a nice email in your inbox reminding you of all the wonderful adventures awaiting you at ninetyandnine.net. So sign up today to get your reminder, and don't forget to submit a short film for cash prizes while you're at it. Or take the survey or write a letter to the editor about something you read or print out and frame a photo of the editor. It's your zine, so enjoy.

Elephants Fly, Grass is Orange, Haggard Heterosexual
Wait a minute...it's not April Fool's Day, yet! So who are we kidding here? After three weeks of counseling, Ted "brokeback" Haggard announces, after being caught with a male prostitute, that he is heterosexual after all. Sounds like the big red plastic button I've seen at work, that when you press it, goes, "That was easy!" I believe that there are other, similar statements made by folks caught with their proverbial (sometimes literal) pants down, to name a few:

1. I really will start taking flying lessons next week. -JFK, Jr.
2. I really am committed to my wife, Hillary. -Bill Clinton
3. I really am a good astronaut. -Lisa Nowak
4. I really am a peace-loving guy. -Osama Bin Laden
5. I really like female pages. -Mark Foley
6. I really was awake during the president's address. -Nancy Pelosi
7. When I returned, the car was gone. -Ted Kennedy
8. I really will make Bill mind his manners if I'm president. -Hillary C.
9. If I did it. -O.J. Simpson
10. These really are really, like real. - Brittney Spears

One Night With the King
Watched the long awaited Tenney production of Queen Esther starring the former Miss University of Georgia Tiffany Dupont, from Gainesville, Georgia. We loved it and will probably buy the DVD. Inspirational for sure, and a moving tribute to the female Joseph of the Bible.

Oh Yes It's Ladies Night
My Northern informer (The V.) hooked me up with this link about a tribe of folks that practices an unusual custom: the lady proposes marriage to the man. What do you think, Ap ladies? How would that turn things around here in the good ole U.S.? No more waiting for Mr. Indecisive! No more series of endless hints and suggestions! No, you could slap him with the proverbial gauntlet (warrant?) and force his hand. Boggles the mind! SO guys, watch out! This may start something in our ranks.

in stu's neck o' th' woods
Not that I'm a raving Flannery fan, but I found this feature about the woman and her homeplace in Milledgeville, also the homeplace of Central State Hospital (formerly, Ga Lunatic Asylum). Don't miss the audio slideshow with some Ry Cooder in the background. Pull up a bushel of butterbeans, pour a glass of ice tea, and enjoy the article about a place that's 'bout 50 minutes from Macon, or 30 minutes as the crow flies.

Another Rainy Night in Georgia
This time, it's coming down. Snow, in North Georgia, perhaps, but probably not in Middle Georgia. I worked an odd shift (3p-3a) last night and the one thing it afforded me was a decent sleep. I'll be heading back tonight, awaiting the Outback chicken I ordered through a school fundraiser. In other words, not much news except for one piece on a college frat brother of mine who is suing his law partner, dissolving the firm, and has allegedly been buffeted by his former partner, with bruises for proof. He was from Miami originally, though, and not our fair Southern state. I wanna know where da gold at (see post below).

ANd, HUsbAnd bOREd aT THe maLL
Kids, don't try this at your mall.

I Wanna Know Where Da Gold At
The short video that's sweeping the internet, featuring a newscast of folks in Alabama who have spotted a leprechaun is here. There are several websites featuring this odd video, one has a rap song with loops of some of the comments of those in the video, catchy, I might add. I'm wondering...is this for real, and if so, do I want to drive anywhere within a 100-mile radius of Mobile, Alabama? Actually, when you stop and think about it, the video is a more subdued version of Congress in session.