The Duct Taper's Guide to Income Taxes

A Short (or Not) History of Me and Unc
I’m telling you, never trust anyone named Sam who makes you call them “Uncle.” I’m sorry for the delayed post, but this taxes thing is too much for me. "The Duct Taper's Guide to Income Taxes" turns out to be simply: pray! I don't know why, but I have a history with the IRS that’s anything but ideal.

Year 1
The Duct Taper realizes income taxes are “of the devil.” Hours of staring blankly at phrases like “W-2” and “adjusted gross income” lead to a “Daddy, please help” phone call. Problem solved.

Year 2
The fun begins. Outside business income must be reported. The Duct Taper begins tax prep on April 15. As it turns out, additional forms must be completed, and Daddy is not in sight. The Duct Taper uses online tool to do taxes and then has a “that can’t be right” moment. Trip to H & R Block (a few days late by now). After 20 minutes and $275, H & R Block submits taxes, and Duct Taper considers selling some blood plasma to pay for it all.

Year 3
After another Daddy conversation, the family CPA is consulted. Turns out the “that can’t be right” number I came up with myself was right after all. CPA files Year 3 taxes plus amendment to Year 2 to fix what H & R Block botched.

Year 4
In what can only be classified as just my luck, the IRS botches data entry on the Year 2 amendment. So for the next year a half, the Duct Taper receives lovely little “we’re sending a collector” threat letters. Meanwhile CPA files extension for Year 4 taxes. CPA doesn’t get extension submitted in time. IRS sends lovely notice. Daddy convinces Duct Taper that CPA has it under control.

Present Year
The Duct Taper spends 45 minutes on the phone with IRS and gets Year 2 handled but discovers Year 4 extension is now 6 months overdue. Duct Taper cannot get CPA to return calls. Duct Taper considers trying to file Present Year herself, but it’s hard to file current taxes when last year’s aren’t filed. Duct Taper calls Daddy, but he can’t get CPA either. But CPA has convinced Daddy there is an extension in Louisiana till August because of Katrina. Duct Taper is not convinced and considers filing extension for current year. Conversation with church friend who works for IRS says 2 extensions when nothing has been filed yet is a magnet for audits.

Five Days Till Deadline
Duct Taper rolls with the Scarlett motto of “I’ll think about that another day.” After all, it’s my way of getting back at the IRS for having taxes due the week of Spring Break. Of course, Roomie likes to not-so-gently point out that this whole April 15th deadline is not a new concept, but still…

Unc’s Methodology in Review
I think my probelm with this tax business is a result of some problems I have with the tax filing process. I'm looking at the forms, and I’m not feeling very glad all over. There are way too many numbers and vague accounting terms. It’s obvious they didn’t let a right-brain person design this. I could fix the whole tax filing system with a simple 3-part essay prompt:

"In 1500 words or more, respond to the following:
a. Evaluate your personal financial status, your analysis of the federal government’s economic system, and how the two correlate.
b. Consider the purpose of taxes and address your concerns.
c. Elaborate on the number of ways in which taxes add meaning to your life.
Use a separate sheet if necessary."

Now that I could handle. Until then, if you're looking for me, I'll be bouncing back and forth between line 6b and 9a., debating the meaning of “render unto Ceasar”, and trying to mitigate my guilt for just forgetting about taxes for a few more weeks.