Happy Easter

As we observe the Christian holiday (holy day) of Easter, I wish you and your family a pleasant weekend and a sacred time of reflection.

It is a good time to remember Christ's resurrection, which separates the Christian faith from all other religions. Then again, I hope that's something we remember daily, not just in a once-a-year church visit. Either way, I'm glad time is taken around the world to mark the special event.

Two of my Apostolic co-workers and I had a lively discussion Thursday about the commercialization of Easter. (Christmas gets a pretty bad rap, but the meaning of any religious holiday can be lost if we're not careful.) The bottom line of our discussion seemed to be: are Easter egg hunts and chocolate bunnies an insult to the Easter holiday?

The Duct Taper's Guide to Income Taxes

A Short (or Not) History of Me and Unc
I’m telling you, never trust anyone named Sam who makes you call them “Uncle.” I’m sorry for the delayed post, but this taxes thing is too much for me. "The Duct Taper's Guide to Income Taxes" turns out to be simply: pray! I don't know why, but I have a history with the IRS that’s anything but ideal.

Year 1
The Duct Taper realizes income taxes are “of the devil.” Hours of staring blankly at phrases like “W-2” and “adjusted gross income” lead to a “Daddy, please help” phone call. Problem solved.

Year 2
The fun begins. Outside business income must be reported. The Duct Taper begins tax prep on April 15. As it turns out, additional forms must be completed, and Daddy is not in sight. The Duct Taper uses online tool to do taxes and then has a “that can’t be right” moment. Trip to H & R Block (a few days late by now). After 20 minutes and $275, H & R Block submits taxes, and Duct Taper considers selling some blood plasma to pay for it all.

Year 3
After another Daddy conversation, the family CPA is consulted. Turns out the “that can’t be right” number I came up with myself was right after all. CPA files Year 3 taxes plus amendment to Year 2 to fix what H & R Block botched.

Year 4
In what can only be classified as just my luck, the IRS botches data entry on the Year 2 amendment. So for the next year a half, the Duct Taper receives lovely little “we’re sending a collector” threat letters. Meanwhile CPA files extension for Year 4 taxes. CPA doesn’t get extension submitted in time. IRS sends lovely notice. Daddy convinces Duct Taper that CPA has it under control.

Present Year
The Duct Taper spends 45 minutes on the phone with IRS and gets Year 2 handled but discovers Year 4 extension is now 6 months overdue. Duct Taper cannot get CPA to return calls. Duct Taper considers trying to file Present Year herself, but it’s hard to file current taxes when last year’s aren’t filed. Duct Taper calls Daddy, but he can’t get CPA either. But CPA has convinced Daddy there is an extension in Louisiana till August because of Katrina. Duct Taper is not convinced and considers filing extension for current year. Conversation with church friend who works for IRS says 2 extensions when nothing has been filed yet is a magnet for audits.

Five Days Till Deadline
Duct Taper rolls with the Scarlett motto of “I’ll think about that another day.” After all, it’s my way of getting back at the IRS for having taxes due the week of Spring Break. Of course, Roomie likes to not-so-gently point out that this whole April 15th deadline is not a new concept, but still…

Unc’s Methodology in Review
I think my probelm with this tax business is a result of some problems I have with the tax filing process. I'm looking at the forms, and I’m not feeling very glad all over. There are way too many numbers and vague accounting terms. It’s obvious they didn’t let a right-brain person design this. I could fix the whole tax filing system with a simple 3-part essay prompt:

"In 1500 words or more, respond to the following:
a. Evaluate your personal financial status, your analysis of the federal government’s economic system, and how the two correlate.
b. Consider the purpose of taxes and address your concerns.
c. Elaborate on the number of ways in which taxes add meaning to your life.
Use a separate sheet if necessary."

Now that I could handle. Until then, if you're looking for me, I'll be bouncing back and forth between line 6b and 9a., debating the meaning of “render unto Ceasar”, and trying to mitigate my guilt for just forgetting about taxes for a few more weeks.

Oddities of Life and Tax Season

I Shot the Sheriff
I think urban legends are afoot. USAToday is running a report from two men who claim to have accidentally “peppered” Vice President Cheney in a hunting accident all their own several years ago. Is it a contest now to see who’s shot someone famous before? I frequently shoot myself accidentally with rubber bands. Does that count?

Know What I Mean?
Do you ever just have inexplicable urges to do something senseless? I do. Occasionally I have one of those “hey y’all watch this” moments, which usually ends up requiring duct tape or stitches. Recently, I’ve done a pretty good job of containing myself.

Like the other day, I was in the middle of the car wash and suddenly had this near-uncontrollable urge to roll my window down. Don’t ask me why. Just seemed like a fun idea at the time. However, I was strong and resisted the great temptation to try it.

But other times I’m not so self-restrained when it comes to these brain flashes. The other day I was trying to quickly get laundry on before racing out the door to church. So to “save time” I decided to go ahead and run the water while I was decidubg what to wash. Friends, have you ever tried to load an extra-large load of clothes after you’ve already run the water? Let’s just say that clothes don’t sink as easily as you would think.

The Morale of the Story
Even with a limitless supply of duct tape on hand, it’s usually better to think things through before embarking on what seems like a fun idea. (This is one of those “do as I say, not as I do” moments.)

Everybody’s Favorite Uncle
Given my “as I say, not do” motto of the day, you need to be aware that tax season is here. I don’t think there’s enough duct tape in the world to get me out of this one. Sharpen your pencils, charge your calculators, and stock up on paper clips. The countdown has begun, and blogging fodder is born of my misery. Stay tuned for Lee Ann’s fun-filled adventures with the IRS!

Uncaged Hens: PETA's Newest Fad

Lee Ann v. PETA – Part XVIII
In yet another round of brilliant campaigning by animal rights groups, a push to demand eggs from uncaged hens is slowly gaining speed. It is thought that life for chickens will be more humane if they are roaming free in one large coop rather than in individual cages. I have 3 notes:

1. Why do we use the word “humane” when that implies a human quality? We’re talking about animals.

2. Have the campaigning groups ever witnessed a good chicken fight? I admit that my farm knowledge is mostly limited to horses and dogs, but with hundreds of hens loose in one coop and new ones coming and going, sooner or later there are going to be some chicken fights, and folks, there ain’t nothing humane about it.

3. Please, please, please, no one try to tell me that uncaged eggs taste better. You do and I’ll go into my spill about how red M&M’s taste better than the green ones.

Save the Chickens
Let's revisit the fact that these are animals. If we're going to talk animal rights, what about poultry processing plants? Has whichever animal group du jour claiming responsibility for this campaign thought about what goes into a nice barbecue chicken dinner? It seems like they're cutting off their nose to spite their face. Let's make the egg-hatching hens comfy while their kin-chickens up the road become boneless buffalo wings. I just have a hard time connecting with the logic patterns of the animal rights movement. Is there a realistic way to develop a more animal-friendly society? I might be a little more tolerant if I saw a logical master plan. Meanwhile, I'll have my caged egg scrambled.