The Right Thing to Say

Have you ever been faced with trying to find the right thing to say to someone who has just faced a tragedy? If you're not trained at dealing with people in tragedies or if you're not naturally born with the ability to know exactly what to say, then you probably have had to deal with this issue.

This problem has always plagued me because words seem so empty and hollow when your talking to someone who lost a loved one or who just found out they have terminal cancer, or some other such tragedy. So I used to solve the problem by trying to avoid talking to people in these situations, which would then make me feel so guilty and un-Christ-like since it is our job as Christians to reach out to the hurting.

But over the last few years, I've stumbled on to a little trick. Say nothing.

The first time I did this was several years ago at a funeral where I was put in a situation where I was forced to interact with the grieving husband. He was standing in front of me and I couldn't think of one thing to say to him. Not one thing. So I literally said nothing but, "Hey, Frank." I gave him a hug and a very sympathetic look with tears in my eyes. I gripped his hands in mine, then walked away. And that was it. Frank later told my mother-in-law that I was so sweet. I said, "What?! I didn't even say anything to him!" My MIL said, "Well, he said he was very impressed with you." And then I had my light bulb moment. Just keep your mouth shut in these situations and you'll come out without making a fool of yourself by saying the wrong thing!

I have used this trick over the years and have added very little to my "Hey" phrase, except to say, "I'm praying for you" which virtually everyone likes to hear.

Just yesterday I put this trick into use. Yesterday, I called a friend of mine who was very early in her pregnancy and was having some difficulty. She told me that she and the doctors are all about 90% sure she had a miscarriage. I started to freeze up, not knowing what to say. Then I thought, there's nothing to say to make it better. So I told her I was so sorry that it happened. She opened up and shared some things with me. At the end, I told her that I was praying for her, and I hoped she could make it to our small group on Wed. She said the call meant so much to her.

I feel sort of silly sharing all this with you because you would think someone like a lawyer who talks and writes for a living would know the right thing to say in these circumstances. But the truth is I don't. I would always try to find some profound thing to say, or just the right scripture to quote to make them feel better. I wanted to be the person that you hear them talk about later: "Leann came to me in my time of tragedy and said THIS and it made so much sense and it made me feel better." Yeah, right. Thankfully the Lord has helped me to see that talking, at least my talking, isn't right for these situations.

So if you're like me and don't know what to say, try my trick and just don't say anything at all. But be sure to express that you care and that you're praying for them. That seems to be all they need to hear anyway.


Questions, comments, concerns? Please feel free to E-mail me!