Step up to the microphooooone - Microphoners and Microphonees!

For the record, a microphone (mike or mic) is an acoustic to electric transducer or sensor that converts sound into an electrical signal. Wikipedia notes, “They are used in a variety of applications such as telephones, tape recorders, hearing aids, motion picture production, live and recorded audio engineering, in radio and television broadcasting and in computers for recording voice…and for non-acoustic purposes such as ultrasonic checking.” Microphones come in a variety of types, e.g., condenser, dynamic, ribbon, carbon, crystal, laser, …ok, enough already.

The technical part is not as fascinating to me as the practical or applicable part of actually using the thing, hence, the “step up to the microphone!” title. Because when you do…it is going to project your voice so it is spread throughout an area, however small or large. I’ve noticed several different types of microphoners (not a word, but making up words and using them as legit is fun). However, one caveat before I list them. Admittedly at times, I myself have used or have fallen into some of the categories listed below.

Microphoner 1: “I Can’t Hear Myself”

Yes, you can’t hear yourself because the mic is a sensitive piece of equipment that will pick up a lot of background noise instead of your voice because YOU'RE HOLDING THE SAID OBJECT TWO FEET AWAY FROM YOUR MOUTH! So instead of hearing you, we’re hearing the crash of the drums, the off notes of the trombone, the high pitched cymbals of Mr. Energizer on the drums, AND the voices of the folks who are…making a joyful noise to the Lord. Note: it won’t work as intended unless it is two fingers away from your mouth (this does not apply to condenser mics).

Microphoner 2: “I’m afraid this thing will actually pick up my voice”

Okay, then what are you doing with it in your hand? You're holding it away from you like it is a snake about to bite you, your face is all contorted up, your visage has lost all its color, and it looks like you're going to fall over. You're really giving the audience confidence. They are so worried about you, they’ve completely forgotten to worship and their fingers are itching to hit the 911 buttons on their cell phones. Note: it won’t work as intended unless it is two fingers away from your mouth (and you must practice enough so that you’re not afraid of bouncing off key notes and tones around the “area”).

Microphonee’s 3: “I’m Milli Vanilli”

Exactly. You're moving your lips and may even appear to be really into what you're doing, BUT YOU'RE JUST MOVING YOUR CHOPS! What is so ironic about this one? The sound guy usually gets blamed. Mr./Miss Director stomps off the platform to inform sound guy that the altos are non-existent in the mix. Sound guy politely states, “No problem, I’ll work on it”…when in fact he is thinking “yes, we do have a problem and it is with YOUR singers because there is absolutely no signal coming through the microphoners!” Note: it won’t work as intended unless it is two fingers away from your mouth (and you can play that game for awhile, but it will eventually catch up to you Fab and Rob).

Microphoner 4: “I’m Singing loud and proud”

Right you are. Your two fingers away alright, and you're blasting over everyone and everything else because you’ve got the technical genius to know where the mic should be, but you don’t understand the dynamic nature of what is called the “blend.” Again, the sound guy gets the blame for this one with, “Hey, what are you - a doofus that doesn’t know how to mix?!” In reality, if the sound levels are the same, it is the responsibility of the singers to dynamically mesh their voices by controlling the distant range of the mic. I know…I know…you will always hear, “But I can’t hear myself in the blend.” Unless you’re a lead vocal, we don’t want to hear you in the “blend” because that is what makes the “blend” a “blend.” Note: it won’t work unless it is two fingers away from your mouth (and you do have some dynamic control of that distance).

Since I’ve already taken the words that Ron did not utilize in his piece, and since I am 300+ words over my allotment, I will not discuss the microphoners “I’m fading in and out,” and “I’ve got my hand wrapped around the head of the mic so that I minimize the effectiveness of capturing the entire sound spectrum and now only hear the high frequency, but hey, I look like I know what I’m doing.”

Mic technique is an important, learned ability…and I’m sure there are other microphoners out there. Feel free to add to my list.